Now How Do We Go On About This?

In some parallel universe, I know you held me tighter. You tried harder. You said, “Look my love, I will meet you halfway.”

- N.M.Sanchez, from Initial Meeting

Spending the day off.

BRIGHT VACHIRAWIT as THYME AKIRA PARAMAANANTRA Ep. 1 | F4 THAILAND: BOYS OVER FLOWERS (2021) dir. O Patha Thongpan

healing your journey in 23 steps

⭒ Edward Art series in a nutshell! 💌 As you probably know, I summarized all 23 posts from Edward Art series! You can read all those posts fully here. This post is the collection of my fav quotes from every single part! » Edward teaches the law based in Neville books and lectures. His posts made my journey lighter and more simple, so I hope you can feel lighter reading it too! I really recommend you to read it :) If those quotes don't align with your personal beliefs, just ignore it ♡

💬 may u have a lovely read... ♡

1: No one or nothing to change but Self

Remove having to get things. Remove stress. Simply imagine what you want with the feeling of actual freedom to do so.

fulfill it mentally (your desire). Remove rules. Remove consequences. Remove the outer-world when you imagine. Remove all ideas of what you "should do" or "have to do." Do what you want (within).

do not care about how it will happen or when, or even if it is possible.

★ Do not stress yourself trying to change the mirror, but focus on changing self. Go within and fulfill your desires in imagination.

2: Let go of control, and control Self

There is no objective reality.

"Never blame, only resolve." - Neville

let go to the HOW. let go of controlling your outer-world and control yourself. The world is reflecting self. And "Self" is everything you think you HAVE and ARE.

do anything you wish in your mind. You are so powerful in your mind that NOBODY can imprison you. It is entirely up to you, to be what you desire to be in your mind.

3: He who will not live by love must be subdued by fear

You can remove ALL your fears if you do what you want in your mind.

the goal is to NOT change each and every fearful thought. It is not to argue and contemplate on the fear.

NEVER BLAME YOURSELF FOR FEARFUL THOUGHTS. Never blame, only resolve them within. You have the power to resolve to what you want. Don't waste that power on blaming yourself.

you are ALWAYS GREATER than what you are creating in your mind.

We are NOT trying to manipulate reality or force some change upon this physical world. That will happen NATURALLY. Why? Because your world is REFLECTING SELF.

CHANGE SELF BY DOING AND HAVING WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR MIND.

Do you not realize you only get what you want when you give it to yourself?

4: Inner self must be exalted

It comes down to who you think you are. Who you are identifying yourself with. In order to feel completely free, you must identify yourself with the one within you.

When Neville says "Leave the world just as it is and change self. No one to change but self," he means the self that is within, the only self there is. Why leave the world alone? Because it is only an expression of "SELF!" Why does he say to change that and that alone? Because "SELF MUST BE EXPRESSED," that is the Law. You don't have to doubt "is my imaginal act going to come to pass?" Who is doubting? "SELF!" Who is worrying? "SELF!" What gets expressed? "SELF!" YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST THAT SELF WILL BE EXPRESSED!

Discard the outer-world and that includes your identification with this body. This is ALL an EXPRESSION OF THAT "SELF."

identify yourself from within and you will grant your every wish from within.

since you identify yourself with outer-world and outer-self instead of your True Self and inner-world where everything is possible, you remain stuck.

identify yourself, not with this world, but with the one within, the one who is truly desiring.

5: Imagining is FUN

Thoughts come FROM your FEELING.

thought HAS NO POWER OF ITS OWN. That means the thought HAS NO TRUTH IN ITSELF.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY IF YOU ARE HAVING THE "RIGHT" THOUGHTS OR IF YOU SAYING THE "RIGHT" THINGS IN YOUR MIND. NO MORE TRYING TO THINK PERFECTLY.

You create the feeling you want and from that thoughts come. That is a STATE [!!!]. Remove this idea that beliefs are hard to change and they are blockages in your subconscious.

bring yourself back to the Creator. Stop identifying yourself with the thoughts and understand they are coming FROM the FEELING.

FEEL what you have ALWAYS WANTED to feel, you will NATURALLY THINK-FROM that position. THAT IS A STATE. THAT IS LIVING IN THE END.

FREE YOURSELF IN YOUR MIND ENTIRELY. Stop caring if it will happen or what will happen, REALITY IS YOUR MIND. IT REFLECTS "SELF."

6: Honey

REMOVE ALL RULES!

"Should I? I Must! I Have To!"

These are rules we create in the Mind. Why do we do it? We do for the simple reason that we are trying to control the world. With our physical actions we are trying to control it.

(People who create rules) think the world is outside of them so they create all these rules to control it.

Start with the feeling that, "I can have and feel whatever I want in my mind."

★ free yourself of the rules you (or others) created. Free yourself in your mind. Fulfill your desires within as you want to.

7: I Am not going to tell you "You are Crazy"

we should do everything we want in our minds with no fear. Doing what we want, which is so simple, frees us.

The moment I have any desire in me, I fulfill it. I don't care what it is, how "big" or "small"! I DO NOT CONDITION IT OR WONDER IF IS POSSIBLE ANYMORE OR "GOING TO WORK".

If you really see your mind as the reality, and you fulfill your desires within, you will see how stupid it all is.

the greatest Self-Concepts, the greatest Feelings, the greatest Thoughts are the ones you WANT to have.

start with changing self radically. See yourself entirely different by feeling what you want to be.

When the feeling or desire comes upon you, THAT is the time to ACCEPT IN FULLNESS! Do not wait, do not put it off. Accept in fullness. That is truly what you want to do!

8: Feeling & SELF

Studying [the law] is one thing, actually accepting it another.

EVERYTHING is an assumption. All those thoughts you are thinking are assumptions, and THE MIND DOES NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

how does one feel? The word is ACCEPTANCE. ACCEPT (your desire) ANYWAYS, ENTIRELY ACCEPT IT IN THE MIND!

Create this wonderful habit of accepting every wonderful desire that comes to you. Then you will become normal.

I thought we were suppose to manipulate and control the world. I thought we were suppose to imagine a scene and repeat over and over until it happened. I was wrong. "NO ONE OR NOTHING TO CHANGE BUT SELF!"

when you are panicking about so-so or what might happen or this or that, remember ONLY CHANGE SELF! There is nothing else to change, or nobody else you must change!

SELF is the way to control and manipulate the world. SELF is who you think you are and what you think you have WITHIN! This is a feeling.

9: If I Am then I will Be

"Nothing to change but SELF", "Feeling is the secret." Well, if there is nothing to change but self, how is feeling the secret? In order to change self, it changes through FEELING. This is so important because so many times, I have and others repeated countless affirmations to see little if any results. We repeat it 1000 times, hope it "sticks in the subconscious." Then we hear about feeling so we force feeling into it, and it changes us for a bit but then it becomes exhausting. It becomes exhausting because we feel that we HAVE TO feel this specific feeling or else.

There is no HAVE TO, but WANT TO. FEEL what you WANT to Feel. You discover what you want to feel by asking SELF inside. FEEL that. It does not matter what it is, just something you have always wanted to feel. This is what changes us.

Forcing affirmations, forcing feelings is not what you want. If you just changed the intention to feeling it because you want to feel it, because you want to fulfill all your desires within yourself with feeling, then you would be far happier.

SELF cannot fail at expressing. And SELF is ALL that you FEEL to BE and HAVE in your MIND! Allow yourself the freedom of FEELING what you want with no worry.

So SELF or yourself cannot fail you. You always express what you FEEL to be and FEEL to have. There is NO OTHER CREATOR IN YOUR MIND. None. You are doing it ALL in your mind. You give or you take. There is no other God in the Mind but you.

We are what we feel to be and have in Imagination and this dream world shapes to US.

10: Fearful Of Magnificence?

We should go beyond just granting wishes and start seeing ourselves highly in our minds.

You learn to stop fearing the wonderful feelings by seeing it is YOU who is holding yourself back.

Once you break through your own fear of wonderful feelings, you will see it was you all along. All fear are mental imaginings that you are creating within yourself. Knowing, you bring the power of CREATION BACK TO YOURSELF.

11: Self Identification

How can I BE what I want?

It lies in your IDENTIFICATION OF SELF. Do not be afraid but IDENTIFY yourself FULLY with the INNER MAN. The immortal you. The one that can do ANYTHING it wants. The one who owns the world and all that is in it. If you identify yourself with the inner man, you will be free.

The outer man see's nothing but limitations. He lives in desire. Too many of us have identified ourselves with what the outer-man HAS and IS, not seeing it is a reflection of the INNER MAN.

See what you HAVE and what you claiming yourself to BE WITHIN. THAT is what is reflected always.

You do not have to persuade others to help you [!!!]; all you need do is believe you are what you want to be and then let the world (which is nothing more than yourself pushed out) go to work to make your assumption possible. - Neville

How can you "believe you are what you want to be" when you the world is showing you otherwise? Again it comes down to "SELF" IDENTIFICATION. Conceptions of ourselves are what WE FEEL OURSELVES, OUR INNER MAN TO BE. The Inner Man has all the freedom to see and feel what it wants to be.

To the Inner Man EVERYTHING ALREADY IS TRUE, not to the outer. IT ALREADY IS SO, to the Inner Man. There is no convincing necessary, no 1,000 affirmations, no repeating over and over hoping it works, IF YOU IDENTIFY YOURSELF WITH THE INNER MAN.

You did not imagine "How" to get there, you are already there in imagination. Your issue is NOT in imagining the end, your issue lies in who you are identifying yourself with. If you imagine yourself in the end, which is easy, but then you identify yourself with the outer-man, you will breed nothing but frustrations.

"Disregard appearances, conditions, in fact all evidence of your senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you are already what you want to be" - Neville

Leave the world as it is, with all of its denials and change yourself within and see how it is yourself pushed out.

So discard all beliefs of what you think you are, or what you have been called etc, and Identify yourself with the One Within and you will be free.

12: Personal Reality

stop thinking about the outer-world. You get rid of this 3D reality. You then FEEL that your inner world is YOUR reality. Your own PERSONAL reality, where you can do, have, and be what you want.

We are not trying to "make something happen" or "hope it manifests," rid yourself of these feelings. They will do nothing but block the wonderful feelings and experiences you want to have within. This is your own personal reality.

Once you create this personal reality where everything seems to go lovely, you will see that there is no one to blame for what you were previously imagining. Taking all responsibility for what happens WITHIN us, we can then use that power to change what we want WITHIN us.

13: No Permission Needed

Remember the outer-world is a reflection of what the INNER MAN has, is and does in their own Personal Inner Reality. That is you.

if we wish to have radical change, let's radically change the INNER MAN. Give the INNER MAN what they want. That is, radically change your own Personal Inner Reality.

"DARE to assume" DARE to FEEL (accept) what you want. Without doing that, you remain as you are.

THE INNER MAN NEEDS NO PERMISSION! THE INNER MAN DOES NOT CARE WHETHER OR NOT IT IS POSSIBLE! So in your Personal Reality, your Mind, understand you need no permission to FEEL what you want to feel. No permission whether not it is "possible". Identify yourself with the INNER MAN who is FREE to do, feel and be what they want!

Your Personal Inner Reality is not bound by the facts of this life. In the Reality Within, you can go back in memory and change what you want. It is YOURS to change!

Your Personal Inner Reality is not bound by the facts of this life. In the Reality Within, you can go back in memory and change what you want. It is YOURS to change!

Daily FEEL what you want to feel and experience what you want in Imagination which is your true SELF, the SELF that is reflected in front of you.

14: The God Of The World Of Imagination!

There is this world, the World of the Senses, and there is another world, the World of Imagination. There is a Man who experiences the World of the Senses, which we call the Outer-Man. Then there is another Man who experiences the World of Imagination. We call that Man the INNER MAN.

The Outer-Man sees the limitations and restrictions in the World of the Senses. The Outer-Man feels he is limited and confined to the ‘facts’ of life. The Outer-Man goes through life fully convinced that this World of the Senses is happening to him not from him. He uses only his five senses to move in this World. So naturally he feels like a victim and desires to control this world through the means of force, manipulation etc. The Outer-Man feels fear that life can throw at him things that he is not prepared for. Situations he does not want to encounter but since he feels powerless, he fears the future. Since he cannot change the past, he guilt himself over it. This is how he is limited.

Then there is the Inner-Man who lives in the World of Imagination. In this World, he is unlimited and can create what he wishes. He is free beyond measure and everything that he can be conceive of is his. Everything. Not one thing is not his because he is the Creator of it!

THERE IS NO OBJECTIVE OUTER-MAN. The Outer-Man is simply an expression of the Inner Man. The only Man that exists is the Inner Man. There is NO OBJECTIVE WORLD OF THE SENSES. The World of the Senses, is but the expression of the World of Imagination.

The Inner Man can convince himself that he is this Outer-Body living in this dangerous world but he is still the Inner Man fooling himself into that!

PART 15: Awakening

What the Inner Man FEELS himself to BE and FEELS himself to HAVE in the World of Imagination is what will be EXPRESSED in this World of the Senses.

you are an INNER individual living in the World Of Imagination. In this World, you are God. You can imagine anything. All things are possible here in this world, INCLUDING the FULFILLMENT of your desire. You can change SELF to what you want. And SELF is what you THINK you HAVE and what you THINK you ARE in this World of Imagination. Read that sentence again. And SELF, THAT SELF, is what is EXPRESSED.

As you read this, you are living in this 3D world. You own things within it, you HAVE things. Based on what you HAVE in this 3D world, you create identities for yourself. Remember, we CLAIM we ARE things BASED on what we THINK WE "HAVE."

stop identifying yourself with this 3D world, which is simply an expression of INNER SELF, if you stop identifying yourself with what this 3D person "HAS," and start identifying yourself with the INNER MAN, you will see the freedom.

in this 3D world, we give ourselves identities based on what we THINK (FEEL) we HAVE. So if we can identify ourselves with the INNER MAN, and in that world we HAVE the things we want, we can then give ourselves a new identity.

stop thinking you are "only imagining" this. I want you to stop thinking what you are seeing in your mind is "fake." I want you to stop reacting to what you do not want to react to you. I want you to stop FEELING limited by this World of the Senses. I want you to stop worrying about HOW or WHEN it is going to happen and instead FEEL secure KNOWING this 3D world reflects what your INNER SELF HAS AND IS WITHIN. I want you to FEEL you are limitless within because you are! You do not have to bow down to this world and accept what you THINK it says about you. I want you to FEEL yourself to be the creator of everything within you.

Can you accept that you HAVE what you want because you see yourself (INNER SELF) with it, and everything in this World of Imagination is yours and is real?

PART 16: "What Else?"

How I enter into a New State of Consciousness? Death. Death is the only way. How does one die to a State of Consciousness? By surrendering to the New State. You cannot enter into a New State taking with you all the limitations, questions, and worries of the Old State. The Inner Self must be exalted but it cannot be exalted by holding 2 contradictory States.

When you imagine having exactly what you want in your mind, you do not question anything, you do not worry, you do not wonder "what if," you do not entertain the Old State and its limitations for one second. You die to it entirely.

You cannot bring your current limitations, worries, questions and FEELINGS with you to your New State.

The States or Concepts you hold in the Imagination are nothing but things you "hold." That is it. You think because the concept you are holding is reflecting in your world somehow makes it more "real?" I assure you it is not. It does not really matter if it is being reflected.

PART 17: Dream The Dream

remove the outer-world and remove the idea of "trying to manifest" and simply have the attitude of changing your INNER WORLD to your liking. Here is nothing to do, nothing to force on the outside. You change it, you mold it, you feel it and you do it all within you. You create a new dream, a perfect dream within you.

To "try to manifest," is a feeling. "Trying to get, trying to resolve, trying to make something happen," are FEELINGS you take with you before you imagine. These feelings are what disrupt you from actually FEELING what you want to feel. Instead FEEL that you are solely going to re-imagine, or re-dream a new dream WITHIN YOU and you will change you FEELING how you feel within. These changes is what expresses itself in the world. So if you wish to change the outer-world, leave it alone. Leave it alone and go within and change THAT WORLD, the world WITHIN. Change who you are THERE, change what you have THERE, change how you are treated THERE. Dream up a new World Within!

PART 18: Expansion

what you are seeing in your mind is not fake. And not only is it NOT fake, you can shape it PRECISELY how you want to shape it.

In order to actually lose yourself in the imaginal act, one must accept it is real and let go entirely of the outer-world. One must suspend rational thinking, and just accept it is real.

In order to access this feeling you must not be afraid to assume it is Real. If you are not FEELING it then that means you are still bound by your senses and this outer-world. You need to allow yourself the Freedom to Expand BEYOND the rational mind that is keeping you from experiencing your Wish being granted. You cannot be afraid anymore to feel and imagine what you want.

PART 19: Boldness

Your Mind is your own Personal Reality and you have the power to shape it PRECISELY, and FEEL what you want in it!

This is about giving the Inner Self what you want.

PART 20: Receptivity

Now we come to Denying. That is to say that we must truly let go of what the Outer World is showing us. True Denial is not looking at your World and merely repeating, "It does not exist," but is actually ACCEPTING the new reality within you. You do not deny being unwanted, by stating your are not unwanted. You deny unwantedness with the ACCEPTANCE of being wanted. It is our ACCEPTANCE of our Imagination which is our DENIAL of the senses. So Denying is not something you do, it is the implication of your ACCEPTANCE of the Imaginal Scene.

To stress yourself on whether you are "denying" the evidence of your senses enough is an unnecessary stressor. You do not fight against your senses for they only reflect you. Because "True Denial" as Neville says is "total indifference." But to be totally indifferent about your senses, you must ACCEPT your Imagination as the Reality. To become "indifferent" is an emerging consequence of accepting Imagination as the One and Only Reality.

You cannot wait for the world to change to what you want. You must change what you are and have in Imagination. If you are tired of what your world is reflecting, you can be confident it will keep reflecting that until you change YOU inside your Consciousness. This calls for radically giving yourself what you desire IN Consciousness.

PART 21: Irrationality 

Chances are you truly are NOT giving yourself what you want because you feel some impossibly in it. Forget that. All things are possible in the Imagination. Do it anyway. Just do it. Do what? What you deeply want. Do you for only you, you Inner Self.

PART 22: The Dreamer

Never seeing he is the Creator, the Cause he always fails. The idea that he does not have to do anything, he does not have to work his way out - this idea is lunacy to the Outer-Man. He thinks, "No, there must be a way that I just have not figured out yet." So he goes on seeking outside of himself, yet he himself is a desiring self, and only seeing his reflection, he only see's his desires. Never obtaining them, always seeking them, frustrations, rage, jealousy all stir up within him. Hating his world, hating what he see's, hating his own reflection he wants to destroy it. He cannot win because he lives in a position of fear and failure, and what is within will be without because Man can only give what is within himself.

If only he were to stop hating his reflection, and saw that the mirror only reflects what he is doing, he would be free. If only he were to see the mirror is stationary and does not judge but simply reflects. If only he were to see himself in the mirror and see he is the Creator, he would be free.

He does not have to cope with his limitations, he does not have to fight his way out. He will stop feeling after his fears and become indifferent about them for they are his Creation and has no power over him.

The Dreamer abandons limitations and turns towards his desires and gives it to himself fully. The Dreamer will always dream beyond what his limitations dictate.

PART 23: Unconditional Thinking

To truly grasp the freedom that is attainable within you, you must understand the concept of States. A State is a belief about the yourself or what you believe you will experience, an attitude towards life. There are infinite statues (states) that lie dormant within you. They do not disappear, for nothing can disappear in Imagination. The acceptance that you are the State now, is what brings life to these dormant statues.

If entering into a New State within you is challenging it is because you have not accepted who you are within. You are not a State, but is God. As God within, whose permission are you asking for? To whom do you answer to? If there is only One Being within you, then who can stop you?

If you wish to rise as something New in Imagination, you have to give up entirely your currently thoughts/feelings, questions, worries, what you think of the world, what you think is possible, if you think you are worthy or not, if you deserve the New State etc.

"Don't tell me anything!" That is the secret. Total self-abandonment to the current State is the way to bring life towards the New State.

You have to die to what you do not want to express entirely, a true act of surrender. You can do it.

leave the world alone and go within and die to what you want to stop expressing and allow yourself to be what you want. Imagination is the evidence you are seeking for it is the only reality.

Assume all works in your favor to express your States. This is how the Imagination works. Everything within you is yourself for the taking. Think unconditionally.

💬 may u had a lovely read... ♡ i see u next post!

really amazing post from edwardarts reddit/series!

this is the meditation he’s talking about btw

I just need a tutorial on how to become self.

As in advice on what to do during the day. Like does saying “I Am” during the day suffice?

There is so much information everywhere and as someone who wants to become freedom, it is hard to just read asks or post and completely understand and apply it.

Does imaging help? Does just affirming I am help? Do I need to accept something? In that case what, and who is doing the acceptance?

I do feel confused. But telling me to let go is just hard to understand, because what am I letting go of? The thought or desires? Can you help the process by saying that you already are it/ have it/ I am?? Like what does it mean to let go?

Well, here's a practice.

I didn't follow this. I never repeated "I AM" to myself, I didn't need to remind myself of the fact that I exist.

All I did was remember what I was not, use everything to remind myself of who I truly am. Then, did what I wanted without considering ego (body/mind) and with no expectation.

Nisargadatta said he didn't condition his mind either, by telling himself "I am beyond", "I am God", etc. He trusted his teacher when he told him "I AM the Supreme Reality" and acted accordingly.

What is the difference between changing thoughts and actually shifting ur state bc I think it’s what I’m doing wrong I still feel conscious of being sp less and idk how to stop

well the thing is, your thoughts come from your state, so if you are thinking thoughts that align with your state, that means you shifted your state. you just haven’t changed your dwelling state yet if your natural thoughts that pop up are of lack.

i have two pieces of advice for you:

1) if you were with your sp right now in your 3d, and you randomly had a thought that was like “we’re not together” “i wish he was mine” “im manifesting wrong im not doing this right” etc…what would you do? personally if it were me i’d be like “wtf what am i talking about???” this is something that really helped me while manifesting. it’s truly yours in your 4d right now. every time you imagine yourself with your sp, either through visuals or words, you are with them RIGHT NOW in your 4d. that’s a fact. you should be treating your 4d like it is just as real—if not more real—than your 3d. look at your hand right now. if you randomly had a thought that said “i don’t have my hand bc i wasn’t conscious of having my hand for the past few hours” what would your reaction to that thought be? you’d probably be like “that’s stupid i know for a fact i have my hand. i can see it right now!” that’s how you should treat your 4d. you can close your eyes right now and imagine yourself with your sp (once again, whether it’s in visuals or words or even smells) so that means you’re together in your 4d! don’t overthink if you’re manifesting correctly 24/7, bc if you had it, you wouldn’t be worrying about that at all!

2) if you feel you’re mainly conscious of not being with your sp, this is where fulfilling yourself in imagination really comes in handy! when you notice lack and it makes you feel down bc you just really wish you could experience your desire in your 3d right now, and you have free time, i always find it really helpful to just retreat to my imagination for a few minutes. you want to experience it right now? well you can! imagine being with them and talking to them and conjure the feeling of knowing until you feel better or calmer! the more you do this, and the more you shift your state, the less and less you will notice lack because you’re getting more used to being in the state of the wish fulfilled.

also surprise 3rd piece of advice, when i was manifesting my SP, i used my distraction technique (linked in my pinned post). so if you don’t know what that is, basically every single time i thought of my sp—anything to do with him or manifesting him or even positive things like being with him—id just “it is done” (this would shift me to the state of the wish fulfilled) and force myself to think of something else. i’m not saying you have to do this method (even tho i’d def recommend it) but this just goes to show that you don’t have to always be conscious of being with your sp. like throughout the day, a majority of the thoughts that would pop up would tell me that i wasn’t with my sp. but i shifted back to the state of the wish fulfilled every time these thoughts popped up, and that made the state of the wish fulfilled my dwelling state!

i was doing like three things at once while writing this so i really hope this makes sense 😭 and i hope it helped! if u need more clarity send another ask bc ! idk if i made sense i hope i did tho <3

Rebecca Perry, Beauty/Beauty; from 'Kintsugi 金継ぎ'

how do u practice erasing problems from the mind. i am reading lester and he says instead of saying there is no problem, just erase it. but this is hard because saying 'do not be aware of a pink elephant' does not work. u cannot help but conjure an imagination of one. is it not enough for a problem to arise in awareness, and then be aware it is an illusion that u no longer experience... or does this keep it alive.

That's what he explained. If you say, “There's no problem,” they won't vanish because you're saying, “There's no problem.” You're mentally holding onto the problem and therefore sustaining it. Erase the problem from your mind means to know (be aware) that everything is perfect and then the problem is necessarily non-existent. Basically, let go of it, because the problem is just an illusion.

golden (like daylight)

read on ao3 • main masterlist • law school masterlist

summary: three times han joon hwi tried to confess to kang sol, and the one time kang sol confessed to him.

word count: 6.8k words

a/n: after almost a year, ao3 user colorfuldreams finally had two braincells knock into each other and finally make an idea! jokes aside, i’m so happy to be writing for solhwi again. writing them felt so familiar that this fic just flowed freely from the heart. i forgot how easy it was to write for them. i literally wrote this in the span of 4 hours, literally one sitting and my god i missed writing for this couple so much. this is dedicated to everyone on twitter who encouraged me to keep going, to everyone who loved law school! i hope this kick continues and i can write more and more for them!

HAN JOON HWI wasn’t a masochist. Really, he liked to live a painless life as possible, but after losing his family, losing his uncle, being accused of murder, and the whole plethora of events during his 1L, he hasn’t been awarded the opportunity to live a peaceful life. But just when he thought he could live a painless life, at last, the realization that he was in love with Kang Sol A, punched him in the face.

The punch was painful, the fear of everything he was risking swirling around his mind. Kang Sol was everything to him: his best friend, his confidant. She’s the one that risked herself for him when no one else would. She’s the one that believed in him when no one else did.

It was a dangerous thing, to be so in love with someone that ripped his whole world off its axis to revolve around her. Each passing day, each study session, each moment shared between them was another granule of sand dripping through the hourglass, building up the fear of rejection, vulnerability, and commitment. Every fear of his that he had buried down was unearthed each time he considered confessing to her.

But the realization was also blissful. Blinding. Soothing. For every inch of fear she brought to him, she brought triple times the joy. Each time he looked at her, talked with her, spent time with her, happiness would burst within him, the feeling bleeding into every corner of his body. It would start at his lungs, wrapping itself around his heart before moving up to his throat, then down his shoulders to his arms, to the very tips of his fingers.

The first couple of times he felt it, the feeling was electrifying, making his fingers fidget in want to pull her close, to tell her how he felt. But the more he felt, the more he came to be at peace with it, the sharp excitement morphing into contentment each time. Being in love with Kang Sol A was just that: pain and fear swirling into bliss and contentment.

Joon hwi shut the book sitting in front of him, the slam of the pages causing the students around him to shoot him a dirty look. He paid them no attention, considering the only student that mattered to him barely lifted her head from where it was buried in her textbook.

It was dead week at Hanguk Law school, meaning every student on campus was crammed into any room they could find, pouring over their texts to sear every comma and word into their minds. Students walked around campus like zombies, one hand clutching coffee and a textbook in the other flipped open to whatever page they needed to memorize. Joon hwi, unlike his last year, was no exception. He was a genius, yes, but even he needed to study for the grueling exams of 2L.

So of course, he wound up studying next to Sol, her in the signature grey sweaters and sweatpants, with her hair haphazardly tied into a bun. He watched as she tracked her eyes across her readings, pausing to jot down some notes before continuing on studying. She was diligent in her studies, trying to absorb as much as she could so she wasn’t so behind in her classes. Luckily for his worrying heart, Sol wasn’t nearly as unhealthy as the last year, her self-abusive study habits fading away slowly after she realized that she couldn’t afford to burn out.

Still, he was always worried that she would slip back into them, especially after the crushing midterm grade in her Corporations and Evidence class. For the past few weeks, he had his eye on her, making sure to drop off food, leave her some of his precious ramen and encourage her to take breaks. Joon hwi knew better to argue against Sol at this point, familiar with the stubbornness that coursed through her so all he did was just be there for her.

Gently, Joon hwi placed a hand on her shoulder, trying not to startle her too much. Sol jerked at his touch, but the hazy look in her eyes vanished as she looked up at him questioningly.

“Let’s take a break,” he whispered to her, trying his best to ignore the glare of every student at the sound of his voice. Sol opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off by grabbing her hand.

He shot her his best ‘puppy’ eyes, trying to convince her to do what he wanted, until the tired girl gave in, getting up and out of her seat. He got out of his own seat, stretching before he followed behind her, leaving the stuff on the library table, trusting that Ye-Seul and the rest of the study group would keep watch of it.

The two of them walked in comfortable silence until they reached the doors of the school and stepped into the warm summer air. Sol stretched slightly, letting out a small sound of contentment as they marched side by side, enjoying a break from constantly studying. Joon hwi had his hands stuffed into his pockets, enjoying the feel of having her at his side, trying to soak in her presence as much as possible.

“How do you think we would be as lawyers?” she asked him, her voice breaking the silence.

“Why are you thinking about that?” he questioned, kicking a small pebble out of the way as they continued their lap around the campus.

“I don’t know. I’m just curious I guess, about how we would be after law school,” she answered simply.

“Hm. Well, I don’t think much would change. Obviously, we’d be in different fields and we’ll have longer hours and more work. But I’m sure we’d always be here for each other,” he answered, before noticing the slight furrow in her eyebrows. “Why? Were you excited to leave me behind Sol-ah?” he teased lightly.

Sol let out a sharp laugh, twisting to face him. “Han Joon hwi, if you think I’m letting go of you that easily, you’re dead wrong.” She moved to bump her hip into his, pushing him slightly.

“Trust me, I have no intention of letting you fade out of my life,” he replied, letting out a huff of laughter in response. As if I’d ever let you go.

Sol paused in her tracks slightly, and Joon hwi had to turn around to face her. And they stood, facing each other like that for a few moments, the summer air wrapping around them as they studied each other.

“Thank you, Joon hwi. I know you’ve been trying to make sure I won’t slip into my bad habits again,” she said, biting her lip slightly as she looked up at him.

Joon hwi opened his mouth to deny it but she beat him to the chase. “You don’t have to admit it, but know that I’ll make sure I pay back the debt!” Before he could formulate a reply, she started walking forward once more, leaving him only a couple steps behind.

“You owe no debt, Sol-ah,” his voice rang out as he smiled softly at her retreating figure. And all of a sudden, everything in him wanted to scream out to her how much he liked her. How grateful he was for her. How he’d always be here for her. How much he loved her.

But it was a moment too late, as he ran forward to catch up with her, as their conversation twisted towards the upcoming exams.

And yet, in that moment, Joon hwi could see the rest of his life roll out with her, whether their relationship was platonic or more.

The cold air whipped around him, soothing his burning muscles as he pushed himself into another lap around the field. It was pitch dark outside, save for the bright lights that lined the Hanguk field, the autumn wind bring a chill into the air. And in the center of it all, was Han Joon hwi, clad in just some shorts and a workout shirt, panting from the burn in his lungs.

It was almost 2 years since Joon hwi lost his uncle, and almost like it was tradition, he was outside, trying to push his body into exhaustion. The ache and reveal of who his uncle was, how he had gone against the sacred law that Joon hwi trusted so much, came back into full force around this time.

Despite having almost two years to move on from the betrayal, the admiration and the love Joon hwi had held for him, the ache still resided within his bones, awakening every single year. It was a pain that he couldn’t express, the emotions so complex and big that he couldn’t begin to untangle them in his mind. Every single memory of his uncle had resided, replaying in his mind over and over again.

His uncle lifted the younger Joon hwi onto his shoulders, running around the house in an attempt to make him laugh. His uncle comforted the teenage Joon hwi as he failed his first exam, trying to understand how he felt. His uncle took him to his office for the first time, announcing how proud he was of his nephew to his coworkers. Arguing with his uncle over the mistake Joon hwi had uncovered, gritting his teeth and trying to believe that his uncle was still a good man. Rejecting a conversation with him as they both stood in front of Hanguk Law school, ignoring the desperation on his uncle’s face. Discovering his uncle’s dead body in the Professor’s room, the shock and confusion threaded through his mind.

Each memory was clear as day in his mind, no matter how much he wanted to ignore the idea that his uncle was ever a part of his life, after understanding the bribes his uncle had taken. But then, he remembered who taught him to respect the law so much. The one that had debated every law code with him, helped him remember important cases as a high schooler when Joon hwi would ask questions. His uncle’s legacy for him was a confusing, tangled mess that hurt to touch or untangle.

So Joon hwi gritted his teeth and ran, ignoring the pain in his muscles, the sharp burn as he tried to breathe the cold air into his lungs. He shut down his mind as he pushed forward one more lap, closing his eyes and trying to distract himself from the sadness trapped within him.

He lost track of time, the sweat dripping down his body as he ran for what felt like an eternity. In a push to get out on more lap, his legs gave out, his knees hitting the turf hard the exhaustion caught up to the adrenaline. The momentary pause though gave the chance for his emotions to override him, his eyes welling up with tears as he breathed heavily, his knees burning from the impact.

Then, as he blinked away his tears once more, trying and failing to get up, Kang Sol appeared in front of him, thrusting out a bottle of water and looking down at him with such emotion, that he wanted to shy away from her gaze.

He grabbed the bottle from her hands wordlessly, as she kneeled in front of him. Her hair was askew from the wind, whipping it around. Sol was still in her plain brown sweater and sweatpants, her classic attire for school as she sat in front of him, her eyes roaming over his face.

“What,” he started, trying to catch his breath as he took another gulp of water, “What are you doing here?”

“I saw you in front of his memorial today,” she started, and he looked away, knowing exactly what she was talking about. “So, I figured you’d be here tonight,” she said simply, as though it was obvious to figure out.

“Yes, but why?” he asked, trying to press her for an answer. Sol simply pursed her lips as she looked at him, and he could see a million thoughts running through her eyes. Each emotion flitted through her face, clear as day for him to read. Still, he waited patiently for her to answer, yearning for a simple answer, a simple confirmation.

“I told you, remember? I’m rooting for you in your uncle’s place,” she said, as she looked down at her hands, tangled in the grass of the turf field. “And it means that I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”

All of a sudden, every emotion he had stuffed into a corner of his mind welled up inside him as he looked at her figure, kneeling down in front of him at almost 3 in the morning. The tears welled up in his eyes blurring out her figure and he gritted his teeth once more, as his emotions meshed into each other.

It was too much, the knowledge that she just knew where to find him, that she just knew how he felt. The idea that he was such an open book to her was so terrifying, yet it felt so gratifying to be seen. To know that someone was looking out for him, someone to protect him against everything going against him. And the idea that it all came from Sol, who had a million other things to worry about in her life, just made it all the more painful.

All he could do was sit there, still breathing heavily as he looked at the girl in front of him, still awake in the middle of the night just to check in on him, as she tangled her hands into the grass and fidgetted as if she had revealed too much of herself to him.

He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t express any of the emotion he felt, the words lodged in his throat as he looked into her knowing eyes, so he settled to grabbing her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

She landed against him in an oomph, surprised at his sudden movement as her shoulders stiffened in his arms. But Joon hwi made no move to let go, trying to soak up the feeling of holding her in his arms as much as possible before the moment dashed away. Slowly, she relaxed in his arms, her hands encircling his body to hug him tighter against her.

She was warm against him, her frame lithe against his as she fit right into his body as if she was designed to reside there. He breathed in her scent, letting the intoxicating smell wrap around him until his mind was only focused on her. Sol was warm against him, almost protecting him from the autumn chill, and it was bliss. Her hands clutched his shirt, trying to pull him a little closer, as though she couldn’t get enough and it only drove him insane.

And there they both sat, holding each other in their arms, desperately trying to cling onto this moment before it passed. He ignored every bit of his surroundings, just trying to soak in the moment until it was etched into his bones. Joon hwi would have sat there for hours, if not for the exhaustion and sleep creeping into his mind, his body almost slack in comfort against her.

As if she read his mind, Sol drew away, pausing for a moment to look at him, her thumb tracing along his jaw. He shivered against the feel and hoped Sol mistook it for the chilling weather and not because of her touch. She got up from the turf, dusting off the dirt as he sat and looked up at her, just watching her as she moved.

She juts out a hand, and he clasped it, as she pulled him up. He almost knocked against her, her body pushing back slightly against the impact, but soon they were standing in the field. Silently, they walked back to their dorms side by side, and Joon hwi spent every moment trying to soak up her presence, use her to comfort, and soothe his pain.

And in that moment, Joon hwi knew, that he could always rely on her, the same way she did on him.

It was almost 6 PM when Attorney Kang Sol A stormed into his office. It’s been a year since both of them graduated from Hanguk Law School, clinging to each other and the study group to get them through their finals. After graduation Sol took a job with Attorney Park, trying to work her way up to making associate while he took a position at the prosecutor’s office.

It was always Joon hwi’s dream to wear the mahogany robes, and it was as though his mind was always built for this job. But it didn’t make it any easier. The job was demanding, the hours long and the work-intensive as he had to pour over stacks and stacks of case files each day. It made the reading in law school look like a chapter book, with the amount of reading and writing he had to do to pick apart each case that was handed to him.

It often meant that he was seen leaving the office at odd hours, stumbling into his apartment only to collapse into his bed soon after. It meant that he had to skip lunch to meet a deadline, to make sure a case was thoroughly reviewed. It meant that he worked himself to the bone, to make sure that he can fight the corruption within Korea’s law systems.

It wasn’t much different for Sol either. The exhaustion from her work though was evident on her face, her tired eyes, and the slight droop in her shoulders a dead giveaway. While she hadn’t regressed to her unhealthy study patterns from their 1L days, it was clear that the job weighed heavily on her. Each day she was faced with an impossible case, trying to keep her morals in a world that rewarded you if you had none.

Unlike Joon hwi, who was equipped with so many resources at hand at the prosecutor’s office, she had none of the advantages. Sol had to gather her evidence on her own, often making trips and meetings to meet with victims and families and the scenes of the crime. She spent hours pouring over CCTV footage to scrounge up evidence, scouring through law codes to find the perfect one to use as a defense.

It was grueling work, demanding so much of her time and energy. Yet, Sol hadn’t changed a bit, her optimism and drive overriding any obstacle she faced. She had grown to hold her own, a lot more confident in her abilities than she had been when they met.

The amount of time he had with her had lessened as they both got jobs, unfortunately, distant from each other. Still, he was grateful that she was still in the city, and that she could spare some weekends to come and visit. She’d spend days lounging with him, making dinner or lunch, and watching some TV show as they talked about their weeks together.

It was blissful, contentment in sharing his life with hers, even if it would only be platonic. Even if it meant he couldn’t have her, he couldn’t kiss her or hold her in the way he really wanted to.

Joon hwi looked up at the woman that just stormed into his office, Sol’s hand clutched against her briefcase as he sat buried under the stacks of files on his desks. She sat down in the chair next to him, and he swiveled in his chair to face her, rolling it until his knees touched hers.

Her hair, now longer with bangs, was messy, as though she had been messing with it all day. Her usually immaculate suit was askew, her blouse crumpled slightly. And worst of all, he could see the redness in her nose and cheeks, the unshed tears building up in her eyes as she sat in front of him, which made his heart clench.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this, Joon hwi,” she blurted out suddenly as she broke into a sob. Joon hwi blinked, taken aback by the crying woman who now sat in front of him, before the sharp pain of watching her cry flooded through him once more.

“What happened?” he asked, trying to hold back the urge to gather her into his arms and soothe her until she stops crying.

“I,” she started, her tears choking her words, “I lost the case. I lost the child abuse case,” and Sol cried harder, the words echoing around his office once more.

Joon hwi swallowed, his hands reaching out to clasp hers. He remembered this case from a couple weeks back, when he popped by Sol’s office. Her head was firmly buried under the case files, her hair pinned up with a pencil holding it all in place. It was a really important case to her, especially after her family’s past. Sol had talked to him for hours about it, how serious the abuse was and how if she lost, the mother would lose custody.

“You can’t blame yourself, Sol-ah,” he soothed, rubbing circles into the backs of her hands as she tried to calm herself, her breath coming out in small pants. Joon hwi’s heart broke as he watched her place the blame on herself, but knowing there was nothing he could do to fix it for her.

“No, because it’s my fault, I should have tried harder,” her voice was shaky, the tears still falling freely from her eyes, as she gritted her teeth.

Joon hwi moved his hands from hers to cup her face, slowly wiping away the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Then he pulled her into his arms once more, trying to shield her from everything as much as he could. Sol could only sob harder then, and Joon hwi could feel her tears soaking into his shirt, but he paid it no mind.

The affection was a pitiful attempt at comfort, knowing that there wasn’t anything Joon hwi could do for her other than to just be here. Sol was always a deep feeler, and her empathy toward her clients was what made her an amazing lawyer. She took chances on people, and she always put everything into a case, especially when she recognized any hint of injustice.

But it was also the reason why she held such pain for every lost case of hers, every case where she failed to deliver a favorable ruling. She had an impeccable memory for each other, playing through the details of every case she lost to make sure she never loses another. But every once in a while, a case like this will come across her desk and it will unearth all her failures.

No matter how much Joon hwi tried to argue that it wasn’t her fault, Sol would have none of it. She was firm in her belief that it was her fault, and no one else's, and that if she tried harder she would have won. It was a stubbornness that she held so close that convinced her that she was at fault. And truly, there was nothing he could argue against because he knows that it’s the same way he feels when he loses a case.

So he held her tight against him, her body shaking with sobs as he allowed her to feel every emotion and process everything she was going through. He tried to make her as safe in his embrace as possible, allowing her to just let go of everything she held within herself. They resided there again, with her head against his chest until Kang Sol drew away from him slowly.

“Thank you,” she choked out, her voice hoarse from the crying. Her face was puffy and red, her eyelashes clumped from the crying and his heart only broke more, watching her go through so much pain.

I love you. I love you so much Sol-ah and it breaks me every time I see you cry.

“I’ll always be here for you,” he breathed out, settling to say just this rather than the three words he yearned, ached to tell her. It was still lodged in his throat, trying to escape but the fear of her reaction and the idea of her seeing just how much it broke him to see her like this terrified him to no end.

So Joon hwi simply looked at her, trying to memorize every part of her face, every inch of her skin. And in that moment, Joon hwi knew, that he would be content for the rest of his life if he could just be there for her.

KANG SOL A was exhausted. It was her third year of being a lawyer, finally making associate at Park & co. You would think, after bringing down a congressman and solving a murder in her 1L, and taking on cases all throughout law school and beyond would make her equipped to deal with the stresses of her job now.

And if she was being truthful to herself, in some ways things were easier. She made more money now, not having to worry quite as much about her family as she used to. She supposed it was also the fact that Kang Dan was sending in support from where she was doing her doctoral work at Harvard, the missing sister finally bringing her family together. She had more freedom with the cases she chose, not having to defend scum or take cases with basically no evidence. Her friends were still thick as thieves, even though everyone was spread across the city, with their hours conflicting with each other. They held regular dinners, trying to bring back some of the camaraderies they had when they were cooped up on campus together.

Overall, it looked like she was holding it together, especially compared to her erratic life during 1L. Still, she couldn’t help but feel like she was scrambling for answers.

Maybe it was because everyone, while still friends, had moved on in some way or another. Kang Sol B and Ji Ho were set to be married, the invitations popping up in the mail out of nowhere. She supposed she should have seen it coming. The two of them understood each other in ways none of the others could. Jiho and Sol B were cut from the same cloth, so it made sense that they were able to comfort and be there for each other more than anyone else could.

Ye Seul and Bogki were starting anew, both of them just starting a relationship together. Bokgi had waited for her, to take time for herself, to find who she was before she attempted a relationship. They were taking it slow, but they cared for each other so gently and adoringly that it was clear that they would spend the rest of eternity together.

But Kang Sol was still stuck where she was 4 years ago, in love with her best friend and unable to do anything about it. She was stuck where she was, unable to make a move in fear of messing up the carefully stitched friendship she held with Han Joon Hwi.

There was never an epic love story between them. No grand gestures nor movie-like moments. It was gradually built, the two of them being there for each other when they needed it most. It was to the point where Sol could scarcely tell when she fell in love with him. It was as though her love was always residing within her, the pieces hidden deep within her heart until they all stitched together to make something that took over her whole body.

It was scary, being so in love with someone so much that she couldn’t imagine her life without them. It wrapped around any flutter or contentment she felt from being in his presence, the idea that she was so open and vulnerable to him. The idea that she had placed her heart in his hands unknowingly, and he wasn’t even aware that he could shatter it into pieces in an instant.

She supposed this was just a part of her nature. Sol was, unfortunately, an optimist. She saw the best in people, even if she was burned by trying to unearth the good in people multiple times. She used to resent that part of her, the piece of her that would rush into things even though she knew she would get hurt. But after seeing so much corruption and hatred and injustice, she realized that seeing the good in someone, and having hope for the future was a choice she had to make if she wanted to survive.

And even if she could express it, everything she felt for him, held back from him, it felt too confusing and complicated to ever express. It was too much to even put into words. Still, even with the carefully held hope that Joon hwi felt the same, she attempted to prevent herself from rushing in. She built a carefully, albeit weak, wall around her complex feelings for him, trying to keep it stuffed into a corner of her heart. Being hurt by her cases, by life, she could take. But she couldn’t afford it from Joon hwi.

She ran a hand through her hair, the other clutched at her briefcase before entering her mother’s house. Sol still lived with her, trying to minimize her financial burden as much as possible since she took care of Byeol after work when her mother was pulled in for a late-night shift. She opened the front door, the exhaustion of the day coursing through her once more as she took off her shoes to slip on her house slippers.

“Byeol-ah, I’m home,” she announced as she peered into the living room, only to be left confused when she was meant with an empty couch. Sol furrowed her eyebrows. It was rare that Byeol wasn’t on the couch, watching TV as she ate dinner prepared by their mother before she left for work.

“Byeol?” Sol called out again, setting down her briefcase and removing her black winter coat, now left in her beige suit.

“In here, Unnie,” Byeol’s voice came from the kitchen and Sol made her way in, wondering what the hell her sister was doing.

“Why aren’t you-” Sol started, walking into the threshold of her kitchen, but was cut off by the sight of Han Joon Hwi, standing in the middle of her kitchen, placing a steaming plate of food onto her kitchen table. The smell of the food made her mouth water, momentarily overriding the confusion she felt at his presence.

“Ah, you’re home. Sit down, Byeol is almost done with dinner,” Joon hwi told her nonchalantly. But she was still standing, mouth gaping at the man standing in her kitchen. He was still in his suit and tie, the grey suit set a staple of his in court. It was a set she was familiar with, seeing him use it frequently when he grilled a witness or addressed the jury. But what was shocking was her mother’s pink frilly apron that he now donned, the old apron cutting the intimidation and power that Joon hwi held in that suit.

“Joon hwi, what are you doing here?” she asked, finally able to make her body move forward, towards the kitchen table. She was still standing, staring at Joon Hwi before he sighed. He strode over to her, standing behind her as he placed both his hands on her shoulders, the warmth of his fingers searing into the base of her neck.

“Sit down and take the plate Sol-ah,” he muttered as he gently pushed her down into a seat. Byeol innocently stood up, declaring that she was finished with her food and as though this was a regular routine, Byeol made her way to the sink. Her growth spurt now made her tall enough to reach the sink without her stool, Byeol methodically washed her dishes and then made her way to the living room, avoiding Sol’s questioning gaze as much as possible.

Joon hwi had his back turned against Sol, facing the stove that held food, presumably still warm as she could see the waves of steam evaporating into the air. She was quiet as she sat, her fingers splayed on the table, and she was frozen as she just stared into his back, her eyes zeroing in on the knot he had tied to keep her mother’s apron stuck to the front.

“Here,” Joon hwi placed down a plate of warm food in front of her but he avoided her eyes as she roamed her gaze across his face. He was exhausted, that was clear

After a beat of silence, she finally gathered the courage to question his presence.

“Joon hwi, what are you doing here?” she asked, her face still held straight, trying to prevent herself from inhaling the food in front of her as hunger settled into her stomach. Her curiosity and confusion trumped any feelings of hunger or tiredness, as though she was electrified in his presence.

“Your mother called. She said she had to run to take another shift at work, and that you weren’t home yet, and asked if I could pop in and take care of Byeol until you got home,” he said nonchalantly, as though it was just a simple task. She blinked at him as his hands went around his back, in an attempt to untie the apron strings.

“So you just,” she paused, a breath catching in her throat, “You just dropped everything to be here?”

“Of course,” he answered her in the midst of getting himself out of the apron, “It’s not a big deal.” And then he shrugged as though this was a no-brainer. As though this isn’t something that made her love for him burst through the seems.

Kang Sol was frozen, her chest tight. For the first time, she could see so clearly how Han Joon hwi had always been there for her. No matter what the circumstance, he was there to hold out a helping hand, to offer a shoulder of comfort. But to be there for her family, at the drop of a hat. To take care of her and her family as though they were his own, was something else entirely.

The idea that Joon hwi, exhausted from his job at the prosecutor’s office would trek halfway across town to her home, to make her and her sister dinner at the drop of a hat. The idea that he viewed her and her family as a priority, so much so that he would be here at the drop of a hat. The idea that he would wear the old apron over his expensive suit, risking getting the smell of food and splashes of oil on it, just to be there for her.

It drove her over the edge, the idea that he was there for her no matter what. She could feel the adoration, the joy, the contentment, the bliss fill her up, from her lungs only to get caught in her throat, the emotions choking her until tears welled up in her eyes. It was too much, so much that it physically hurt her heart, her lungs, her body.

It was as though she finally saw him clearly, saw the blinding need within her to have him in her life indefinitely. For the first time, she could see the puzzle piece that she was missing. For the first time, she could see the rest of her life roll out in front of her, and she knew that she needed him by her side.

Kang Sol breathed in sharply trying to alleviate the emotions, but she knew what was going to spill out from her, finally understanding that it was inevitable. Loving Joon hwi was inevitable, and there was never a moment that she could stop herself from hoping that he loved her back.

“I love you,” she breathed out, and for the first time, it felt that simple.

Joon hwi froze. His hands had her mother’s apron balled in his hand, but his grip tightened as his wide eyes looked at her. He blinked again, before stuttering out “What?”

“I love you. I should have told you this years ago, Joon Hwi, but I love you.” Sol paused, trying to draw a breath, trying to express everything she had held inside her for years. “I used to think that this was too complicated. I was too scared, too weak. But I can’t hide it anymore from you. I love you, Joon hwi and I don’t want to live my life apart from you anymore. I need you in my life, I need you here. And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same but—”

“I love you too,” he blurted out. His hands reached across the table to clasp hers firmly, holding both of her hands tight in his. Sol’s voice felt raw, almost burning as she looked into his eyes. “I’ve loved you since our first year Sol-ah, but I never- I never dared to tell you. And god I tried, I tried so hard,” he shut his eyes once more, as though it hurt him.

Abruptly, she stood up from her seat, marching over to him in two short strides. Joon hwi turned to face her, one of his hands still braced against the table, before she brought her arms and clasped them around his neck, pulling him down to her level. And then she crashed her lips into him.

His lips were soft against hers, just like in her dreams. Without a moment's hesitation, his arms went around her waist, drawing her closer to his body. His lips moved against hers, and then every moment was filled with an inexplicable need to show him what she felt for him. His tongue ran against hers and it made her mind dizzy, her body igniting with desire.

Their kisses were frantic, filled with desire and passion for each other. She tried to express every bit of her emotions for him through her kisses, trying to convey just how much she needed him in her life. Her hands pulled him impossible close against her again, trying to merge their bodies together as much as possible.

His body felt delicious against her, the heat bleeding into her body as she moved her lips against him. His hands traced patterns up her back, trying to trace over every part of her he could reach. It was passionate and needy, as though he couldn’t get enough of her against him.

“As much as I am happy that you two are finally together, I’d love to not see you do that in this kitchen ever again,” Byeol’s sassy voice rang out, her hand on one hip as the other held a glass of water. Joon hwi and Sol broke apart quickly, his arms still encircled around her waist as her arms were clasped around his neck. Embarrassment filled the two as Byeol rolled her eyes at the two of them, before leaving the kitchen once more.

A silence stretched between the two, the just sounds of their breathing filling the kitchen, before they turned to look at each other. Joon hwi’s forehead bent down to meet hers as he closed his eyes, trying to enjoy her presence as much as he could.

“You should eat,” Joon hwi’s voice rang out, still breathless from the kiss. She could hear the vibration of his voice against him as she looked up at him, her eyes filled with adoration. Yet, neither of them was content to move away from each other, just enjoying being in each other’s embrace, trying to study every feature on each other’s face.

And in that moment, Sol knew, that she would never have to live without him at her side.

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