4dbarbie Interview: All About Desires

Deep dive into what you are experiencing

by Being_Is_IT / Twitter

In a previous article titled "Can the reality be experienced", I pointed out that the Mind subtly assumes that there is a higher or better reality hiding behind the present moment you are feeling, touching, and tasting. The Mind automatically assumes that the present moment is inferior to an imagined future moment as if you may transition into something better. Actually, the Mind's assumption is completely wrong. Unconditioned perfection is right here in the present moment.

Whatever you are feeling, tasting, experiencing, is already perfection without conditions. There is nothing better hiding behind. There will be nothing better waiting for you in the future. All that you have right now and right here is *perfection* by default.

But the Mind always complain that "I have not been able to experience the reality". The Mind automatically assumes that what is being experienced is something called "illusion" that is opposite to something better called "reality". And the Mind wishes to get out of something called "illusion" and get into something called "reality". No, it's not the case at all. Let me emphasize, what is being experienced is the only actuality that is SELF.

There is never anything that can be defined as illusion. The only subtlety is that all the interpretation of the Mind is illusory. All that can be experienced is SELF, the only perfection without conditions. Therefore, there is not anything or any situation that can be defined as illusion. The word "illusion" indicates only that the interpretation of the Mind is illusory, not indicative of any actual thing or object present that can be defined as "illusion".

For example, the effect of experiencing of an apple is actual, but interpreting such effect of experiencing as an object called "apple" is illusory. For example, the effect of experiencing of "me" is actual, but interpreting such effect of experiencing as a person living in a body called "me" is illusory. For example, the effect of experiencing of time is actual, but the interpretation of this effect of experiencing as something called "time" is illusory. Simply, the energetic effect of time is not actually something actually existing as time, all that is - is an energetic effect that Mind arbitrarily labels as a concept of "time".

For example, you can't deny the experiential effect of space, but the Mind automatically and arbitrarily interprets this experiential effect as something called "space" as if there is really an object or physical property called "space" existing. Such interpretation is an illusion. Don't seek something better or more glorious hidden behind the obvious phenomena. The phenomenon itself is by default perfection itself. Please notice all the interpretations and definitions imagined out of the Mind, these interpretations and definitions don't actually stand at all.

Even if the Mind interprets the present moment as "pain and suffering". No, it's actually not the case at all. Enjoy anyway. Even if the Mind interprets the present moment as lack or deficient. No, it's actually not the case at all. Enjoy anyway. The moment that the Mind imagines about "deep inside", you immediately discern that the Mind is lying to you. There is nothing hiding deep inside. The very concepts of "deep" and "shallow" are illusory.

The moment that the Mind imagines about "better future", you immediately discern that the Mind is lying to you. There is not a "future" because what feels like as "time" is not actually something as time. The idea of "future" is illusory. Regardless of what the Mind interpreting the present moment as, don't take the Mind's definition seriously, directly know that this is the only perfection that you can ever have, nothing better next second, nothing better tomorrow. Enjoy.

call me perfect. this blog will help you learn about your true selves: consciousness, and about non dualism. i occasionally post self care and self love posts too. im 17 years old, pronouns she/her. click the star for the link 2 all my other socials: ⭐️

understanding consciousness & non dualism series: part 1 : how to know you are only consciousness part 2 : why everything is consciousness; non dualism part 3 : everything is imagination & an illusion part 4 : what exactly is consciousness (you)? part 5 : ego + when "you" dont understand non dualism part 6 : time, thoughts & meditation part 7 : proof that everything is imaginary part 8 : stop and just observe part 9 : non dualism vs law of assumption part 10 : the world within the mind + the 5 senses part 11 : the unreal vs the real part 12: finally, play a new game

if you do not identify with failure then nothing can go wrong

need i say more? no, not really but of course i will say more.

identifying with failure is the cause of failure. when you wake up from a shifting attempt and are still in your current, undesired reality, the automatic reaction for some is to admit defeat and accept that you failed. yet, the most successful people are the ones who do not accept failure. it is simply not an option that exists in their stratosphere so remove it from yours.

"will she ever lose?" man, i guess we'll never know - nosebleeds, doechii

this is the mindset we all must adopt. if you know that you cannot fail, that means that nothing can go wrong. it means you do not have to do anything, it will happen on it's own because above all else you will persevere and succeed.

this applies to manifestation as well, not just shifting because this is how life works.

you do not need to live by the auto-assigned rules of this reality. do not take what you are processing with your five senses as an unrefusable fact, you decide what's fact or not. dare to assume success when you would normally assume failure.

every moment is being spent in the reality that you want, no matter what. only accept that and nothing else. no matter what you do, say, or think YOU ARE THERE.

try this out for a week or two. whenever you start to think you are failing or might have already failed, stop yourself and remember that failure is no longer an option so what's there to worry about? stop using effort, trying a billion different methods, and worrying about time while doing this and solely focus on knowing you are always successful in your endeavors but make sure to be gentle with yourself though, this isn't a witch hunt. even if nothing seems like it's changed, it has. you have changed and that's all that needs to change in order to succeed because everything comes from you. this is an amazing foundation to have, you are gaining confidence and acting with brazen impudence.

"maybe next time it'll work? ugh, this is so hard. when will it happen? how long does it take to shift? can this be manifested?" girl, drop it. you've won, chill. how can you fail when you've already gotten first place? let's stop pitying ourselves.

remember that motivation is fickle but discipline is forever, keep your head up baby. you got this i love you! my asks are open if you need help and i'm doing this with you, you're not alone <3

How to be Awareness (The guide to all you need to know)

First off, realize you are never not it. We are actually fully realized all the time. We are fully realized Beings saying that we are not. So all we do is let go of “we are not” and what's left over is the fully realized Being that we are.

Second, if you're able to understand it intellectually but not able to use it, it's because you're not looking at yourself honestly, truthfully, with deep desire to see your Self, in the process of which you have set up as the subconscious mind all the things you will not look at.

However, it's not necessary to dig up this unconscious mind, in fact it's much better to try to quiet the mind. When we're able to get the mind totally quiet, what's left over is the infinite Self. Every thought is a thing of limitation. Therefore when we quiet the mind, we still these limiting thoughts and this infinite Being that we are becomes self obvious to us. The Self is then not occluded by the limiting thoughts! We see It, we recognize that we never were that mind, that body, and from that moment on, the mind and body have no influence upon us. We determine for the body as we would a puppet and it has no effect upon us, as a puppet that we would be controlling would have no effect upon us.

If you want a "method", then the very best method of all methods is to quiet the mind to see the Being that you are. Pose the question: “Who am I?” and if other thoughts come in, ask, “To whom are these thoughts?” The answer is “To me.” “Well, who am I?” and you're back on the track, seeking to see your Self.

''Who am I?” is the final question that everyone answers, so why not begin with the final question?

There are two ways of growing: one is what I call the negative way, eliminating the negative, going into the mind, seeing the cause of the problem that originated in a thought some time in the past. When we see this thought, when we bring it up into consciousness, we naturally let go of it. We see how silly it is to hold onto it and therefore correct that thought and behavior.

However, the other way is better. It is the positive way. Quiet the mind and see who and what you really are, the infinite Self, pure Awareness. In the over all, there's really only two ways: eliminating the negative and the better, putting in the positive, “I am that I am,” “I am It.” The latter is by far the faster.

Let's now take a look at this so-called apparency, the world. The world is only an illusion that we created mentally. It is not external but in reality within us, within our mind. Someday you'll discover that you created this entire universe that you see. The method of creating is by first creating what we call a mind. We create our mind, which is nothing but a composite of all our thoughts, conscious and subconscious, and the thoughts create the material world. Every little thing that happens to each and everyone of us is created in our thinking. We mentally set up a thing called time which makes it even more difficult to see things because we think now and things happen years later. But the only creator there is, is the mind, your mind.

So now you discover that you created your trouble, then you discover that you can create anything you desire. After you discover that there is nothing that you cannot create, you're still unhappy. The reason is that you have separated yourself from the all that is.

You say you realize you are Awareness but you still "lack" things

If there are any problems that remain, they only remain because you are holding onto them in thought. The moment you let go of them, they are gone! If you tell me that isn't so for you, that isn't true. The truth is you're still holding onto them, telling me that it doesn't work. Now trying to get rid of a problem is holding onto it. Anything we try to get rid of we are holding in mind and thereby sustaining that problem. So the only way to correct a problem is to let go of it. See not the problem, see only what you want. If you would only from this moment on see what you want that is all that you would get. But you hold in mind the things you do not want. You struggle to eliminate the things you don't want, thereby sustaining them.

Now the very highest state is simply Beingness, and if we could only be, just be, we could see our Infinity. We would see that there are no limitations. We would see that we are the All. We would be in a perfectly satiated, permanent, changeless state. And it is not a nothingness, it is not a boredom, it is an Allness, an Everythingness, a Total Satiation that is eternal. You will never, never lose your individuality. The word “I” as you use it to mean your individuality will never ever leave you. It expands. What happens as you re-remember what you are is that you'll begin to see that others are you, that you are me, that you are now and always have been gloriously Infinite.

This subject cannot be learned intellectually, it cannot be learned through the mind because it's perceived just behind the mind. We can use the mind to gradually undo the limitations enough so that we can get behind the mind by getting it quieter. If it were possible to get this subject through the mind intellectually, all we would need to do is to read the books on it and we would have it. But it doesn't work that way. We have to very concentratedly dwell upon our Self that is just behind the mind. Turn the mind back upon the mind to discover what the mind is, and then go beyond the mind to the Self. So to get this subject, each one must experience it, realize it, make it real by going to the place just behind the mind and perceiving it there.

If you examine thoroughly the mind, you will discover that it isn't, it's an illusion. Let it go its way, just watch the mind. The ultimate witness is the Self. It's a tremendous thing to watch the mind. Not only does it quiet it, it makes the mind not you. If you trace the source of the mind, you find it is nothingness. This whole world is a dream illusion, which means that it isn't!

Unlimited joy is our natural, inherent state which we have, through ignorance, undone by imposing concepts of limitations. Anytime we have trouble, anytime we have a problem, we're being the limited ego. We’re trying to express the Self through the limited ego, and it's too small, we get squeezed and it hurts. If you'll just accept that you are not that, that what you are is God, Awareness -- and God is All, God is Perfect, that's all you'll ever meet with!

No matter what you say, no matter what law or concept you want to follow, only upon recognizing that what you are is Awareness are you perfectly satisfied.

Now that you know you're not a solid person, do you just go with whatever pops up in mind? I imagine the effect of experiencing doesn't change much, other than feeling unconditional freedom? Does sadness even come up in an extensive way at this point?

Who feels "unconditional freedom"?

What you're asking still assumes there's a “me” who now operates differently because something was "realized" — but there was never a "me" to begin with.

Whether a thought arises, or sadness passes through, none of that was ever “mine” or “not mine” to begin with. So no, it’s not about “following whatever pops up” or “never feeling sad again.” It’s just not personal anymore. There’s no one trying to manage it.

So if sadness arises, it arises — but it’s not happening to someone, and it doesn’t need to be held onto or avoided. It just moves through like anything else, without a story around it.

I could go on to explain what “it” is — awareness, presence, whatever word you like — but none of that ever reallycaptures it. The mind tries to grasp it by asking more and more, but it’s not something that gets clearer with extra thinking. The answer can be shared, sure — but it’s never truly understood unless it's seen directly, not as a concept, but as what’s already here before thought even begins.

"Purpose" ?

"So, what is the purpose of this whole ordeal? Am I truly feeling helpless? Have I genuinely experienced heart-wrenching events? Is my life really that miserable? Understanding THAT, it became apparent that these things were mere illusions, appearing that way because I continuously identified with it happening to a little "me". I believed I was a helpless human being, lacking a deep understanding of my true existence. I stopped assigning any meaning to this story, not even deeming it meaningless. These thoughts are meaningless because they are nothing. Any idea is irrelevant to your true identity.

Then why does this situation exist? In the game of life, everything is just "Being-ness" playing with itself. I could ask why I have to go through this nonsense, but it's senseless. Why? It's all a big Paradox. So, when you ask why this situation arises, people seek a logical answer. But there is no rational, logical answer. It's like a puzzle; it's an appearance. In a dream, there are no rational, logical answers. All thoughts, emotions, and identities are things we collect. They are not you. This doesn't mean you have to confirm the truth in your mind because there is no truth in thoughts—they have no meaning unless you asign one to them. You can't describe THAT with words; you can only be THAT. Thoughts aren't something only you possess. So, there's only one thing: transcend it and realize who you are.

draft written by most likely Dawa , no one knows

hiiii i recently watched kanthony (the so called bridgerton show or whatever) and was wondering if u have any fic recs... 👉👈🤭

okay i litchrally have never compiled a list bc i have read too many to keep them organized. but ill do it. Finally. for YOU.

first. my fav period setting fics <33:

tete a tete by caciopepebowl (14k~) this is REQUIRED reading to ME. its a quick read that explores kate and anthonys roles in their family. with an emphasis on KATE specifically bc of the additional hurdles of being a woman with limited funds. and anthony losing his mind on her behalf while shes breaking his heart by being like "the way i was treated was normal?? you dont know anything" and hes like "what? kate you deserved everything. you deserve ALL the love in the world!!" and shes all ">:( well if i do. you do too." . and hes like "oh. well...no. you see.. bc i suck" and shes like -_-. its really sweeeeeet and lovely <3) and really finally gave me the exploring of kates family issues that THE SHOW DID NOT!!!

the longest betrothal by caciopepebowl. (90k~) my FAVVVVV regency setting fic. its sooo good. its basically a continuation that fills in the gap AFTER they get engaged but BEFORE theyre married. and them trying SO hard to be normal about how in love they are lol. SO funny and sweet. and with IMMACULATE characterization

in vino veritas by wagamiller. (~10k) a one shot about kate going to a ladies society event and coming home drunk to anthony and him being soooo smitten with her. sauuuur cute. ive read this like 4 times <3 its soooo good

for reasons wretched and divine by penny_loaf. (~18k. locked fic. need an account.) basically kate and anthony get stuck in a time loop on that first day edwina is receiving suiters. they both think theyre alone in the loop and its depressing until they realize the other is stuck with them too. they try to break the loop and fail repeatedly. after a while they just give up and start fucking bc theres no consequences so who cares LOL. surprisingly tender and sweet

the harsh light of day by burnerraccount. (~22k. locked) explicit one shot. kate has the idea that they should fuck before they get married so theres less pressure on the wedding night. she decides all this without mentioning it to anthony (LOL). so she shows up at his house the night before their wedding. and his footman is like "theres a woman outside to see you" and he in all his goofy almost-married bliss is like "i dont want to see Any woman but my gorgeous, beautiful, amazing WIFE" and his footman is like "well. you see.. it is your wife. uh fiance" and anthonys like "[voice crack] huh ?". very FUNNY

green in its many hues by burnerraccount. kate and anthony decide they are going to be chaste and proper leading up to their wedding. they suck at it SO bad lol

next. modern AUS my best friends <33:

la semi dolce vita by caciopepebowl (~170k) my FAVVVV modern au of ALL time. kate is a private chef. anthonys family hires her when they go on vacation. hes being so normal about it. i promise. this is one of the best characterizations of kate AND anthony in a modern setting. with an extra emphasis on focusing on kate issues. and not JUST anthonys. which is what makes the dynamic sooo good. 10/10. hot. and i love LOVE <3

close encounters of the acutest kind by caciopepebowl (WIP ~74k. only incomplete fic ill put on this list i PROMMY. bc its by the prev author. and i Looove their writing and its sooo good so far <3) kate and anthony meet for the first time the DAY her dad died which is also the SAME DAY hyacinth is born. theyre both having a panic attack and end up running into the same empty hospital room to have it. are then intrinsically linked forever. as one is. run into each other multiple times over the years. with different feelings each time. and they are so normal (lying) <3. i love them

chosen & cherished by trash4ficsaboutlurv. (~42k) this is so underrated. kate runs a charity organization. anthony is CEO of whatever the fuck. she goes to his company when theyre holding some audition for what charity theyre going to invest in and kate is the last speaker and when its finally her turn he barely even pays attention. and shes exhausted and overworked and just oveeeer it All. so she ends the meeting and tells him to go fuck himself. LOL. genuinely really good. and hot <3

sidelines by ramarro. (~60k) this was THE quintessential kanthony modern AU in 2022. kates an artist who sees a picture of anthony on tinder and thinks he looks obnoxious (lol) but screenshots the photo so she can use his arms/hands for sketching practice. and then she see him and his grown ass on a date with her BABY sister. and shes like well i was right about him. and lets him know to his face how she feels (LOL). its wild. it slays. read it. theres an explicit follow up to it which also slays

three cities and we never lived here by ramarro. (~25k, ~40k) very different modern au where kate and anthony meet on vacation and are very casual with them both not looking for anything (genuinely for once lol) and then seeing each other multiple times over 2-3 years in different cities and still keeping it casual. but slowly slowly slowlyyyy it doesnt feel as casual as it used to. theres 2 fics in this. the first is kates pov. the second is anthony. both very good.

just go with it by suitsusboth. (~18k) kate when booking a flight sees the potential titles like ms, mrs, dr, and "viscountess" listed as a legit option and has a laugh like whos picking this goofy shit and accidentally clicks it. and then on her flight gets upgraded to first class next to anthony bc they assumed she was his wife. and he tries to be mad about it. but well. hes stupid for her in every universe so lol. funny and sweet

the air i breathe and the bane of my existance by the_loosest_moose. (image fic) these are textfics told through instagram, twitter, article and text message screenshots. with some regular text. would just check them out to gauge how you feel about the storytelling method. very fun reads once you get the hang of it

heirlooms by waterlilyrose. (~12k) modern au where kate gets anthonys ring stuck on her finger for days and has to wait to get it off. he is of course very normal about it

a devils love by irony_rocks. (~57k) this may not be for everyone but kanthony season came out around the same time as The Batman (2022) and as someone who was crazy insane about both. this was the MOMENT for me in spring 2022. its a crime mafia type au where kates character is inspired by selina kyle and the pebble lounge she worked at in the batman movie. and well. if youre about that specific combo check it out. its not a batman au

break point (series) by penny_loaf. (multiple. ~25k) this a tennis au which you wouldnt think would be that deep but it is and its sooooo good. it really delves into the pressure of the world its set in on top of the issues kate and anthony ALREADY have. and as an ANGST and crazy, complicated characters STAN...very GORGEOUS to ME <3 and hot

take me home by kendal_lynne. (~12k) romcom type explicit one shot where kate makes the mistake of telling anthony her ex couldnt make her come. and hes all like i can do it volunteer as tribute PLEASE PKLEASE PLEASE PICK ME CHOOSE ME PLWASEE etc

we never made a sound by writergirl8. (~4k) spy au that was soooooo good and sexy. i wish it was longer

with elaichi by serendipityinwords (~6k) the two biggest bitches at a dinner party find out they're soulmates. LOL. hilarious dialogue

theres probably more i loved that im not remembering rn and maybe ill update this but for now have fun! yippee <3

a definitive guide to actually fulfilling your desires

"i affirm and persist all day long but nothing is working!!"

"i ignored the 3d for a week straight and did xyz whenever i could but nothing happened"

stop forcing yourself to work for your manifestations. you can do tons of methods and challenges and still see zero change in the 3d. why? because states manifest. it‘s that easy.

now, when you affirm and visualize on loop to get your desires without success in what state do you find yourself?

in a state of lack. you are affirming to GET. you should never feel like you have to WORK for your manifestations.

"Ideas are impressed on the subconscious through the medium of feeling. No idea can be impressed on the subconscious until it is felt, but once felt - be it good, bad or indifferent - it must be expressed. Feeling is the one and only medium through which ideas are conveyed to the subconscious." - Neville Goddard (Feeling is the Secret)

THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO GET YOUR DESIRES IS TO FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE THEM. FULFILL THEM MENTALLY. read that again. you have to FEEL like you already have them. nothing else. everything else will follow.

"The subconscious never fails to express that which has been impressed upon it. The moment it receives an impression, it begins to work out the ways of its expression. It accepts the feeling impressed upon it, your feeling, as a fact existing within itself and immediately sets about to produce in the outer or objective world the exact likeness of that feeling. The subconscious never alters the accepted beliefs of man." - Neville Goddard (Feeling is the Secret)

isn't that amazing? you can genuinely have or be ANYTHING, yes, anything, just by feeling. and it will ALWAYS be expressed into the outer world as long as you fulfill it in the inner world ( -> your imagination).

now how do we go on about this?

first of all you need to actually realize that YOU ARE THE ONLY CREATOR. the only cause. everything you see in the 3d is dependent on your beliefs and ideas. you do not have to be anything you don’t want to be. you are consciousness moving through states. read that again. engrain it into your beliefs.

i recommend doing this meditation by edwartart. it really helped me realize that i don‘t actually need to see anything in the outer world, but can instead just experience it in my imagination. and as we learned earlier, "once it is felt, it must be expressed."

this is also why you really shouldn’t care about your 3d. you dont have to ignore it, but you should never identify with the outer world. you are pure consciousness. live in your imagination as much as possible, as imagination is reality. thoughts manifest -> the dominant feeling manifests.

and instead of consuming even more posts about manifesting, go try it out. you dont even have to meditate, just close your eyes and remove the outer world from existence. then be the person you want to be. experience living as that person. you‘ll soon realize that it‘s incredibly easy to manifest and you‘ll also automatically stop caring about the 3d when you reach the state of fulfillment.

and don’t say you "cant get into a state". once you get rid of that mental blockage and ALLOW yourself to feel and experience it‘s genuinely SO EASY. don’t force it! if it doesn’t feel good you’re probably imagining something you don’t really want. try imagining your heart‘s desires. imagining is so fun. do it whenever you can, when you’re waiting for the bus, taking a break etc.

read this post again if you need to. actually understand it.

now go live in your imagination. fulfill all your desires mentally and you‘ll soon realize the 3d automatically catches up without you having to lift a finger. the life of your dreams is literally just waiting for you to experience it!

~neo

not my prodigal ass returning

“Don’t condemn yourself for the state into which you have fallen. If you don’t like it, move into another.”

Neville Goddard

Take a moment, let these words sink in.

Every moment we inhabit different emotional states. Sometimes we are afraid. Sometimes we feel infused with love. You can choose to dwell in a state that is beneficial to you. Every day I choose to dwell in the knowing that my desires are mine, no matter what. I even tell myself these words out loud when I feel a need to.

Often I just say the word, “Unconditionally.” Because, every part of me – and every part of the universe already knows exactly what I want, and there really is no need to micromanage, unless I really, really want to.

When I see something I don’t like, I allow myself to feel whatever arises because I’m not afraid that my emotions will doom me to some horrible manifestation. I know that I am God, and so there is nothing to fear, not even fear itself. As I remember to Remember who I am, I find comfort in knowing that I am safe. I am whole, and that is true no matter what imperfections my sharp mind can detect.

I no longer allow anything to step between me and my relationship with myself. When nothing is allowed to come between my unending love and loyalty to myself – not even self-loathing – this can be referred to as embodying the state of divine unconditional love: the Godself. A god is always on her own side. She never beats herself up for anything.

It is important to remember that all emotions are only passing states of being. Just as the sun rises and throws Earth into a state of light, then falls to put Earth into a state of darkness, our states are fleeting. In fact, our states say very little about who we truly are. They can be helpful, and they can be unhelpful. The only thing that every state has in common is its impermanence.

If we choose to, we can consciously select to live within the state of the wish fulfilled. This means that we feel safe, secure, no matter the circumstances. Feeling safe also means that we can feel whatever we feel without being punished for it. So, the state that I choose to dwell in every day is knowing that all my desires are already mine and granted to me. I choose to dwell in the state of safety. This does not mean that I do not feel worry or concern. It means that my predominant state is one of safety, and of knowing that my desires are mine no matter what.

When ‘bad’ feelings arise, I remember that I’m merely visiting this state for a few fleeting moments. Sometimes this moment passes in a second, other times the moment can stretch into minutes, hours and days, and that’s okay. It’s only a state, and I’m not bothered by it because I know that it cannot intervene in my receiving of my desires. It might be uncomfortable, yes, but it has no power over my life and manifestations. I–the I that I AM—My GODSELF– remain unmoved from within. Like an enormous mountain that is unmoved by a gust of wind (temporary states). My true self is GOD.

When difficult emotions arise within you remember this: No matter how dark you go, or how painful it is it cannot stop you from manifesting and living the fulfillment of your desires. Let go of your fears of negativity right now. Letting go of the fear is the same as accepting it is there. Like Bruce Almighty, you can scream, “Smite me almighty smiter!” because you know that nothing that could ever happen you can destroy you, or get in the way of your desire. So why fight the powerless circumstances of your life? They mean nothing.

I deeply know the meaning of pain. I consider myself a Master of Pain, for I have suffered and hurt so deeply that I can not even understand how it is possible that I am still alive. Pain sucks and is completely unnecessary. And for a very long time, I suffered immensely because of my pain. I hated pain, warred against pain, cursed pain, and had I had a magic wand I would have ‘Avada Kedavrad ‘the living hell out of pain. Even worse, I was resisting my pain with my mind, and every bit of my consciousness. I had been destroyed so utterly so many times that I was at constant war with my own suffering. Then one day, out of pure desperate, *desperate,* desperation I could no longer hold on. The cost of holding on was so much greater than the cost of letting go and surrendering into the pain so that it might finally destroy me and obliterate me from within.

For so long, I had done my very best. Kept my vibration high, been good, done right… but the suffering had always continued because deep within I was rejecting life, I was rejecting my pain. I was rejecting myself and every life experience that had brought me to this point. I couldn’t believe or understand why God – I would cause me so much suffering. Why had death torn a deep trench of loss into the very core of my being, why had I been betrayed, abused, neglected, hurt… why oh why, of why?

All my life I had been searching for answers. All my life I had been trying to make things right. I did everything, other than allowing my pain to consume me. And in the end, that was the only choice left to me.

To tell you that it was easy to feel it all so deeply would be a lie. To tell you that my escape impulses were dormant, would also be to tell a life. Every part of me was in escape mode. Every instinct was to flee the suffering. To hide. To make it go away. But I refused. I knew that I only had this last option left, and I was in so much pain that it no longer mattered if **feeling** it all destroyed me. Nothing of who I was was worth preserving. There was no way I could continue living as I had. It was death or metaphorical death. Either way, I had to die to my suffering, and so I persisted. And so I did. I died a million deaths for each trauma that had been held prisoner within me. I cried so much that it felt as if I might actually die from dehydration, but I refused to return to my old way of being. I talked to my own heart, I spoke lovingly to my poor little human self. I told myself, “I am right here and I’m not leaving. If we die we die together.”

The aspect of me that spoke to soothe me was my Godself. That higher aspect of being that is always who we are, though our minds may go to great lengths to deny it.

The experience was darker than the darkest night of the soul, and I had experienced many in my life. Suffering had entered my reality early on. Loss has ravaged my heart since childhood. Tears, manic shouting at the universe, every dramatic thing - I did it. I allowed myself to do it. Because if there was one thing I’d never do again it was to stand in opposition of myself. I’d never abandon my human self again, no matter the mess of this human monstrosity.

And as I felt as if my very soul was ripping into a billion pieces, the only thing I could do was scream to myself, ”I love you anyway. I don’t care if you never get better. I don’t care if you never get what you want. I am here, right next to you and I will be with you until the end. Unconditionally. **Unconditionally.**”

I truly went Gollum style crazy.

My only solace was meditation and going within. Not as a form of escapism, but as a return home to the only place where I am whole. I meditated for hours a day because the only place left for me was going into the silence. It was my only sanctuary. And I allowed every shiver of panic and the empty hollow in my belly to get saturated by tears even as I meditated until, somehow, the silence met me and I became it. I was home within my being, mounted into the awareness of my Godself. I was elevated to the infinite field where I am a Witnesser of my human aspects, and my heart overflowed with love.

Beautiful, profound love. As the parent loves a child. As Earth loves all her creatures. As the Universe loves every star.

I treated myself as if I were my own child and each time I broke I simply held my whole self within my heart. The energy I gave myself was one of allowance and acceptance. I did not try to force my mind to love myself. I only allowed my mind to be itself. I did not try to fix or change.

I had tried that my whole life without true healing. I did not suppress - I was fed up with being silent and being held hostage to ’the school of positive thought’. I let the reins go, and surrendered into the loving arms of creation itself. My fate was no longer my own. I no longer had the stamina to let my mind control the show.

I decided that nothing, not even shitty failed manifestations would get in my way of accepting myself anymore. I wouldn’t even let my rejection of myself bring me down. Instead, I would feel my rejection fully and own how much I hated it all. I allowed myself to marinate in every judgment, fear and feeling. I told myself that even if all my doubts are real and I’m stuck in suffering forever at least I’ll reclaim the last ounce of power that I have left. The power to be my own best friend. The power I have to remain loyal to myself even if creation itself has shunned me.

And… in allowing myself - no exception - I was finally free. Free to get dark, scary and hateful without judgment. And as soon as I was free the true transformation began. I was able to naturally feel love and light again without fearful OCD. I finally gave myself permission to be good enough for myself even if I was good enough for nothing else.

I proved my loyalty to myself because I let go of all the conditions I had clung to as an excuse to withhold love from myself.

I mattered to me. The circumstances of my life could rot in hell for all I care. Screw everything. I’m sticking to myself.

My human self was my baby, perfect, vulnerable and so, so worthy of love and unconditional support. I would be her mother and father and love her - no matter what. No matter the pain, darkness or treachery. No matter a million failed manifestations and 1000 lifetimes of despair.

I am the only human that can do it. The only one who knows and sees all the hidden aspects of myself, and the only one who can fully appreciate how hard I battled and how utterly I was destroyed. So too, you are the only one that can do it for yourself.

I am my only true witness, as you are your only true witness. And your heart and human self have yearned to be witnessed for centuries upon centuries of lifetimes.

How then can we forsake our bleeding hearts by turning away from and resisting the pain of the traumatised human? The human needs you – GOD – to remain by her side and see her through the darkness.

The trauma is real for the human. We don't have to accept it. Yet when we allow it to exist our trauma transforms into the passageway that leads to our liberation. True freedom. A place beyond fear. Because you’ve already got your own back and that is truly all you need. And once you’ve stepped up and taken back your sovereign power, the universe will do nothing but mirror this back to you. You are awake. The time of suffering has come to a close.

Manifestation and life be damned. You are not obliged to do anything. But life, you will find, rewards the one who has made peace with themselves.

I argue that the only reward worth having is peace. The only manifestation worth chasing is the gentle allowing of unconditional love.

When peace is lacking we can never enjoy our manifestation anyway. We fear losing it. We fear that getting it was a fluke and we quickly find something new to obsess and worry about. That is not freedom, that is enslavement to the dominion of mind. And since your Godself/Spirit/Soul/True Self/Higher self wants to bring every aspect of you back to wholeness its actions behind the scenes may seem to cause and trigger pain as it ’withholds’ manifestations.

In reality, your entire being has decided that it will no longer be a slave. More than anything, you are called to freedom. And you will get there, no matter the cost.

When you sit with yourself and remember who you are, the fear falls away. You understand that you do not need to fear the state that you occupy at any given moment. You understand that no matter what you are always God, and to God, all things are always possible and created.

You are God. Not an overactive ego that seeks dominion over all things, but the only thing that ever was and ever will be. There is no separation. No worthy vs. unworthy. It is all one and this ONE is who you are: the I that I AM. It is all the same.

Each state, feeling, circumstance and manifestation belongs to you. Each can be transformed by you. Each is yours for the taking. You do not have to accept it to be true, it is the only truth no matter what you think, say or do.

When you try, this is the time to remind yourself of who you are. Trying implies that you see yourself as separate. Remember that nothing is required for you to be who you are because you can never stop being your essential nature, and this nature is GOD.

“It is your father’s good pleasure to give you the Kingdom. You do not earn it. It is not your due, it’s not a reward. It’s simply a gift, unmerited. And therefore you cannot lose it. The gift is irrevocable. So no man can take it from you, no man can give it to you, so let no one frighten you. It’s yours and it's coming on time, and the gift is nothing less than God himself. When he gives you the kingdom, he gives you himself. For the kingdom is not a realm, the kingdom is a character, it’s a body. And that body is perfect, and wherever you are clothed in that body, everything around you is perfect.”

There are no requirements to manifesting your desire, and you know **it is done** by reminding yourself of this absence of requirement. No matter what you do, think or feel, it is done regardless. You are free to be as you want to be. Without filters or alterations.

Even if you can’t feel the truth of these words then at least accept them as true. Accept that you are GOD, accept that your desires are true and that it is done. You cannot escape who you are and you are GOD, whether you believe it or not.

You choose the state you wish to occupy every time you state the words “I AM” or “MY”... will you choose victimhood? Or will you choose to remember who you truly are?

There are no requirements. You can be sucky if you want to. It won’t make any difference. It is still done. You might just not be as happy as you would like to be, but the thing is still yours. You don’t need to change or be perfect. You just are what you are, and everything will work out anyway. And as the need to adjust fades away, and makes space for surrendered awareness you will actually feel your power build. Ironically, you will feel freer than ever when you stop imposing your (mind/ego-centered) will. You will have embodied the truth of who you are–your GODSELF.

Every single littlest thing is part of the fulfillment of your desires. It is all the bridge of events that leads you to the experience of every desire. Without requirements, or exceptions: **It is Done.**

”Each person is born with an infinite power, against which no earthly force is of the slightest significance.” Neville Goddard