Almost All Of Indiana Is Terrible, But I Really Don’t Think Carmel Gets Enough Derision. Fucking Carmel!

Almost all of Indiana is terrible, but I really don’t think Carmel gets enough derision. Fucking Carmel! Tacky, overpriced, full of rich people, and littered with shitty statues. I hate it!

There are statues all over the sidewalks downtown, but they’re not cool statues. They’re not commemorating important historical figures, they’re not creative artistic pieces, they’re not interactive. They’re just unsettling, obtrusive, and garishly-painted statues of random civilians who look like residents of Pleasantville, like “old woman with grocery bag”:

or “white cop poised to jokingly slap your ass for a photo”:

and “corporate shill taking up bench space to keep homeless people from sleeping on it”:

They’re always in the way, they never move when you say “excuse me”, you’re constantly mistaking them for real people, and they’re UGLY. They’re so UGLY! 

Dear Carmel, scrap them all and hire living statues. Mimes. I will forgive you cursed city for its crimes if you become the mime hotspot of Indiana.