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I hoped to never go on to social media to call out someone for abusing me in some way... but here I fucking am.
TW// grooming, toxic relationship
At the age of 10, I met someone online who I shared a common interest with. They introduced me to their friends, and one of them would become my abuser. After our little group fell apart, her and I stayed friends. Eventually, we figured out we liked each other, and we started dating by the time I was 12.
Things were fine for awhile, but during an arguement one time, I remember her calling me toxic. I didn't even know what that word meant, yet it stuck to me for years. I didn't get over that until I finally stepped into the light, left her behind, and finally started to get better.
We'd keep arguing, we'd take "breaks", but with each break we'd end up still be like "ily" and realize that we weren't truly having a break, ever.
Once we broke up, it only took me a day to decide that we couldn't even stay friends. It didn't feel right. I ghosted her, and I don't even remotely regret it. I was only 13. Things were quiet, and with my therapist, I had come to realize how much she really abused me.
6 months later, my abuser reached out to me. She snuck into my discord server, once she revealed herself, I was willing to make small talk. I was willing to forgive. I was naive.
I mentioned that I told my friends in my server about what she did. So she snooped and got upset when I called her a groomer. So, I deleted that message... but I really shouldn't have.
I'm 16 now, and I only just now realized that she abused me so much worse than I think. Everytime I realize that she did something wrong, I think "it can't get worse than this.", but it has. Most of my memories of the time I had with her is blotted out, but one thing I do remember is a BDSM list.
I was 13, maybe even 12, when she sent me the blank list, and one filled out. She told me, "You should do this and send it to me. Here's mine." I don't remember looking at hers, but I remember genuinely trying to fill it out, because I was young. I was naive. I didn't know any better.
I didn't know most of the things listed on it. I had to look half of it up, and I was so uncomfortable doing it the whole time. Not like anything could have had any truth to it because I was fucking 12/13. I had absolutely 0 experience in anything sexual. I was so uncomfortable doing it, it wasn't fair to me to do something like this and not understand any of it.
I didn't realize how damn weird it was back then. I only just realized it and it's been nearly half a decade. There are certain people out there that have used that list to groom their victims, I found it out just now, and it hit me like a fucking train to realize that I was victim to it.
Tabby, I don't fucking give a shit if I ruin your chances of college, or a job. You don't deserve a good life because you ruined mine. And even though I've learned to grow around my trauma, I cannot move on from the fact that you are the reason I struggle so much today. I don't fucking trust people, because of you and the way you treated me. But I have learned to realize that I will not tolerate people stepping all over me and I will not be treated unfairly because I have fucking worth and you don't get to act all innocent anymore.
My abuser is Tabbybat6. Bluebat, Tabbitha, whatever the fuck she goes by now. I first met her on Steam, we moved to hangouts, then Discord. She has Wattpad, Instagram, Tumblr, and on everything I could think of, I have her blocked and restricted.
Tabbitha, if somehow, you're reading this, I hope you understand the way you made me feel, someday. I hope you feel all the pain you made me feel from your abuse. And I'm praying to the god I don't believe in that justice gets fucked served.
Independence Day can be rough for Americans living with hypervigilance related issues. The loud noises can make your heart race and your head spin. It may even feel hard to breathe. You’re gonna have to be strong. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to help.
Put in your earbuds. Listening to music will not only drown out the sound, it may also help you calm down. Music has been shown to help reduce anxiety and stress levels by up to 65 percent.
Use noise reduction headphones. If you want, you may even be able to see the fireworks! Just make sure you slip on a pair of noise reduction headphones. They can reduce the noise by more than 70 percent!
Spend the day with someone you love. Just being around someone we love can help steady our heart rates and calm our breathing. While it may still be rough, spending the time with a loved one is likely to make it a little less torturous.
Take a shower. It’s gonna be a long shower, but the noise of the water will drown out the fireworks.
Cuddle with a furry friend. Pets can be hugely therapeutic to people struggling with any sort of mental health issue, and even more so for those struggling with anxiety and ptsd. (Note: this may not work if your pet is just as panicked about fireworks as you are.)
But most importantly, especially for anyone struggling with any past trauma, remind yourself that you are safe. Do something that requires you to interact with your environment to help yourself stay in the here and now. It can be hard to stay in the present when faced with certain triggers, especially if you are alone.