Microgum - Unspontaneous Combustion

*opens fortune cookie* “you may find yourself, living in a shotgun shack”

*opens second fortune cookie* “…and you may find yourself, in another part of the world!”

*opens another fortune cookie* “and you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile”

*panics* *scrambles for another fortune cookie*

“and you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. and you may ask yourself, ‘well… how did i get here?’”

*falls backwards out of chair*

refers to myself as "The Management"

today, I give you:

tomorrow? ill probably give you the same thing

Luigi… thunder. 

WHOA!!!!! i love my friends' ocs

some inns at the edge of the world:

Bed, Bask, and Beyond: made entirely of thick frosted glass; it’s damp and muggy inside, full of tropical plants, with heat lamps hanging from the ceiling. staffed entirely by lizardfolk and yuan-ti. you swear you hear live mice skittering around but the bartender hisses and you mind your own business. 

Emerald Bay Inn and Resort: a stereotypical tropical hotel with spa, hiking tours, a private (nude?) beach, drinks served in a coconut husk, etc. located in the frozen tundra. penguins huddle for warmth near the sauna.

The Thrifty Shifter: a rickety-looking tavern run by three doppelgangers: Joe, Moe, and Bobo. Joe is eager to please, offering all the inn’s amenities and discounts–but he seems sleazy. Moe is a buffoonish fellow, endearing if a little exasperating. Bobo is clearly running the inn as a front for the Fantasy Mafia.

Briggs, Briggs, and Bridger: run by a polyamorous triad: Briggs and Briggs are an orc and a dwarf, respectively, while Bridger is an elf. their bed and breakfast hosts drag shows every other Friday night and their crepes are to die for.

The Nestled Trollhouse: tucked under a woodland bridge, the Nestled Trollhouse is run by one exhausted, overworked troll named Greg. His true passion is baking, and he is always trying out new chocolate-chip cookie recipes. Tastings are free of charge. They’re usually burnt. 

Inn & Out: has a Fantasy Yelp page, everyone is talking about it, and the food is incredible–like, five Fantasy Michelin Stars–but it’s so popular it’s always booked solid. they have an open reservation for the honeymoon suite in eight months.

Wyrd Sisters Hotel and Casino: founded by a trio of witches five centuries ago, but you’re pretty sure no one with magical power actually runs the place anymore. the desk clerk offers to read your palm while you wait for the bellhop but she always predicts “big winnings in your future.” Each room is decorated with a different Major Arcana card motif. 

(as always you can steal any of these and modify them however you like for your own campaign!)

love being trusted with “you cant tell anyone this” conversations and nodding a lot and forgetting everything they told me like god intended and going down as a trustworthy individual while doing literally zero work of ill or good

if u think im annoying now wait until i get over my fear of being perceived as annoying

I'm in too many discord servers. I only use nicknames in less than half of them

reblog and put in the tags your weird discord nicknames