Sharing Something That Was Immensely Helpful For Me In The Past Few Days: If Your Ego Has Strong Worries

welcome . . .

lain . they/them

this blog is about Self realisation & nondualism! my reblogs are kept on @lains-journal and book excerpts are on @ndbookstudy

all my understanding is mostly from ada (4dbarbie), lester levenson, & nisargadatta maharaj.

recommended resources:

blogs - realisophie, 4dkellysworld, 4dbarbie-archive.

articles - lester levenson transcribe (audio versions)

books - in the masterlist

read the masterlist. a q&a, most important posts, google doc archive and books are linked on there.

if you don't try it out for yourself, then this definitely is all just a bundle of words. make it useable knowledge.

all informational posts #lainsreality / diary posts #lainsthoughts / anon answers #lainsmail / reblogs #lainreblogs / masterlist #lainsmasterlist

LISTEN UPPP. And listen up good.

all the questions in my asks are the same worded differently. so i'll make a long post answering multiple points

The idea that there is a world outside of yourself is just your thought that there is a world. Body dies, alright? It dies. And with no one, no senses to perceive a world, the world goes as well. Both poof, both disappear.

YOU still exist. Can you imagine not existing????

Even when body, which is matter, goes, who you think you are (the personality) still stays. Here's how I know, not just from my documentation:

Before I discovered manifesting, back in 2019, I had a very poor sleep schedule, it was like 9-10 in the morning, I haven't slept all night, mentally I was wide awake but my body was so exhausted it felt so heavy on me. Mentally I was completely fine, so I had a hard time falling asleep. But I did. Or so I thought. Because as soon as I did I found 'myself' above my body, looking down at it. Reminder, I had no experience with spirituality, I watched a series about astral projecting in the past (Through her eyes on Netflix) but I won't say I believed it, or even contemplated that I could do it. Obviously when this happened none of my thoughts went to astral projection. I panicked so hard, if I had a body I would have been having 10 panic attacks a second and hyperventilating. I thought I was dead. That was my first thought. I was dead. I went from my bedroom to my parents, desperately calling for my mom, but no one was home, it was 10AM, weekday in the summer, and both my parents were at work. I was afraid to leave my parents room and go outside the house, because 1) my screaming was inaudible, even though I WAS screaming "MOM save me" with everything I had 😆 2) nobody could see me, i couldn't even see me, i was not even a cloud, i was nothing, how could anybody interact with me? 3) i was scared that if i went much farther away from my body, outside, then I would be abandoning it & really make it disappear since I was nowhere around it. What I did was go back to my bedroom, scream my name in my face telling myself to wake up. It didn't work, 'I' didn't hear me either. So my next action plan was to give myself CPR. I had no body, but what other choice did I have except attempt at resurrecting myself? I went full in, wanting to push whatever weight I had (none) onto my chest, and I... plunged. I was in the body again, wide awake now, shaking like a leaf and ready to cry. I was so panicked, I had a hard time believing I was actually alive. I was looking at my arms still unsure if I was dreaming or awake. I texted the only friend I knew I'd find up at that hour to confirm that they were getting my texts and I was real. I did start crying when I started explaining to them of how I "dreamed" I was dead. I had no other way to explain it to myself, let alone another person. That was the scariest experience of my life. I was afraid to go back to sleep. I kept my friend up with me for longer than an hour just talking to me so I could come back to my senses. I was legitimately afraid that if I close my eyes and fall asleep, I'll lose my body again. That I would die for real now. Then I settled to this being "another chance" (lol now) and I swore I'll fix my sleeping habits (because they lead me to death LOL again)

If you want more technical info on my experience with astral projecting: I could see but not as clear as I see with my eyes. The images were blurry but not blurry enough to not know where I was or what I was seeing, but blurry enough to not be able to tell if the body was breathing, hence the extra panic. (I've read that the more you do it, the better it gets and you end up seeing normally/clearly) You can check out Bob Monroe's journey with astral projection if it's something you're interested in. I can only explain it as floating in the air, I could go down or go up, change the perspective of my sight in whichever way I wanted. Body is on the ground so you know, perspective is quite limited from it. My angle was from above but I had a wider range of perspectives.

Back to the point, body dies. Personality is left. You are left with 'yourself'. But what is 'yourself' is only an idea you made up about yourself. An idea that you were born, had this body, developed this personality, and that is you. What're you gonna do now when there's no world and no body to interact with? Why stay like this when there's no one to know what you were before? You stay like this because you're attached to this personality. But being like this in nothing will get boring, eventually, so boring that you will be willing to lose this you have now to be something/someone else because it's the only entertainment you have. So you become another person, and another, and another... so many you are attached to none any more and they're just experiences YOU want to have. WELL WHO IS YOU IF YOU CAN ADD ANOTHER PERSONALITY ONTO IT?

Free will and "real" life

The free will of the character is so limited it's none. The extent of Ada's free will in making decisions goes "Yeah, I'll break up with Joe and get with Rowan. Rowan is a better fit for me because my personality is this and his is that and we go well together yada yada" Who's to say Harry wouldn't have been an even better fit, but she had no choice because she only knew Joe and Rowan. TRANSLATION: character only makes do with what it has. It's all it can do. Making choices in a play you're a part of doesn't change the overall destiny (Have you ever played any of those 'choose your story' games? They give you the illusion that the choice you make alters the character's life, when in reality most is decided already and you're making no dent in the plot). And yes, it's true that I can change the beliefs Ada has, therefore alter the plot (what manifesting mostly is), but it's a very hard process, conditioning an already extremely limited and conditioned thing. I can change her destiny only if I manage to change her beliefs (which are usually very strong and egos are very stubborn). Past is remembered all the time so whenever I try to make a change in her thinking the reasoning part of her brain goes "But HOW can I suddenly be lucky when all my life I've had bad luck? It's just very hard to believe." And it is, and she is right. And then you think you're weak minded for not being able to do it.

Listen. Your brain is a very limited thing. It stores memories and habits of this body and that's all it knows.

Mind (is synonymous with consciousness!) contains all, every conception, but identifies itself with one in particular for the duration of the play. The brain is the mind of that character, and all the character knows.

BLIND FAITH IS STUPID.

If Vanessa isn't naive or easily trusting, that girl is never gonna take some stranger's word for it that she can change her life by thinking she's gorgeous and powerful all of a sudden. She will try and try (to recondition herself and do what she's been told that works) but she doesn't really believe because she doesn't see it so nothing comes of it. Changes are small, mindset might be better (she may be overall happier depending on the amount of reconditioning of her brain she managed to do, or she goes insane and her mental health is even worse because she's always finding things to change with herself, trying and trying and trying in this never ending cycle of being better, doing more). Basically, Vanessa is doomed either way and she has limited power even when she thinks she's the shit. "Trust in God, I AM, your higher self!", "Have faith and it will work!" Well, I, as Ada, can't. I am very stubborn you see. I can't believe in waiting bringing me stuff about. Who's this higher self anyway, why is it making me wait and have faith? What's this law with its blind faith, except remastered religion?

Enough. What you are, you see. You are Vanessa or Lara, okay, you are because you believe you are. And you're right! It's true, you are, your eyes are working fine and your life might be hell 😍 what do you have to lose if YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND and think "What if I wasn't?" Streams and floods of better ideas of what you could've been/could be come through, don't they? "That's so nice if it were true🥺" Alrightie then! That must be the solution, no? Not be Vanessa? Well how do I stop being Vanessa? How (the big HOW!!) do you know you are Vanessa except by your belief that you are Vanessa? 🤷‍♀️ To know a different thing you must stop thinking this one is true first? "Got it, it's not!", "But even if it's not me I am seeing her life and her 'reality'?", "I am unaffected by the events now, but how do I stop seeing them?" Are you, though? You sure it has nothing to do with you anymore? Fine I'll take your word for it ☺️ Now start thinking you're a different thing. BUT THE SAME EVENTS OF HER LIFE HAPPEN?! Really, how so? World has no standing except for your thought of it, be honest with yourselves, not me. I'll reenact what you're doing.

"Ada, your depression is not real. Your house is not real. Your parents are not real." "Yes, they are, I see them!", "Don't invalidate my experience, I have TRAUMA😠" that's how the convo goes. Then you get disinterested in the convo, "Alright I'm tired of your problems, not me". And you feel lighter, you feel better. You soothed your mind for the time being, there's no big feelings now that you don't identify yourself with her...

For a while, because then something happens and you still believe it's there and it's real and you have to somehow deal with it. You're back confusing the 'you' with Vanessa. "I'm seeing the parents and the world again, that must mean I did it wrong?" I need to ask, seek more. Where do I go from this? WOULD YOU CARE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT, SEEING THE SAME WORLD TOMORROW, IF YOU REALLY DISBELIEVED VANESSA IS YOU OR YOUR BUSINESS? WOULD YOU CARE, I ask you.

"I don't care... but what do I do next, I'm lost🥺"

"Of course I care!!! I want a better life!!!" Who's you?, you go back to the beginning of the post again, you especially read it five times more actually.

To answer the first:

Think what you want.

Past doesn't come up anymore, memories don't come up anymore after you've ignored - detached yourself enough. They just don't. You can think freely now about being something different. If you can't, don't get mad, don't blame, only know that the one that's doubting isn't you, so the doubts are totally fine to be. They'll be for a while and then they dissolve too, because by ignoring, not getting involved - you forget. And by forgetting not only do you free up so much mental space, but possibilities of what can be become unnumbered.

All you are doing is becoming lucid. Becoming able to control the dream. You won't be able to, unless you step out of it. That is, stop thinking this story you tell yourself is true. You won't be able to get mad, sad, or even frustrated at whatever is playing in front of you, because to be involved to this extent you have to think you're it, it's an actual thing "you" are going through. That's not to say you'll become an emotionless robot (the only thing unlimited abt you guys rn is your worries, so much that i have to address them in advance), but that you will feel your emotion in the present and not remain mentally scarred by it forever. You will be able to say "alright, no more" when you've had your fill of crying, being angry, throwing a fit. Emotions won't be able to rule you anymore, right now, they fully do. You are their prisoner. Your ego dominates you so completely.

When Vanessa is no longer all you are, you'll be able to 'change reality' the way you change the film in a video projector. You'll be able to have as much fun in the play as you want to, change it when you no longer want this one specifically. The emotions of the character are fun and welcomed, because they no longer imprison you, there's the background of love to it all - that once you gain, it can't be lost, it's ever present.

That being said, please stop asking me questions about fulfilling or persisting, they're from another planet in this state.

Is putting my awareness on having it the same as feeling it real? I feel like I put too much pressure on trying to feel how I would if I had it in the 3d and that’s where I struggle. I want to manifest moving out and given the circumstances I need it to reflect asap but idk how to feel it real and not panic when the circumstances are all up in my face and taking a toll on me. I’m so sorry if that was a lot, thank you so much for being so patient.

feeling it real doesn't have to feel like happiness or euphoria! sometimes the feeling of knowing doesn't feel like anything. so yes, as long as you're aware of the fact that you have it in imagination, that's enough! i have a friend who manifested her sp, and she said that the whole time she was manifesting her sp she felt anxious about it every day, but she just stood firm in the fact that her sp was hers and it still manifested!

i went through the same thing while manifesting at first. like when i was manifesting my sp a couple years ago, the DAY before he finally reached out to me i was sooo anxious out of nowhere, constantly thinking about how i much be doing everything wrong bc it wasn't here yet, how i needed to start over, how it'd be days without anything, etc, but i'd just talk to myself and be like "no im doing everything right, i already have it, im good, this isn't gonna effect anything bc its mine" etc.

having feelings of anxiety or worry is not a failure on your part, and they won't mess anything up (unless you assume they will). i've read this somewhere, i think it was twitter but i can't remember who said it, but think about anxiety. it's not logical! usually you feel anxious over something that you think will never even actually happen, but you still feel anxious anyway. or i have friends who sometimes say they're super anxious and they don't even know why. i had social anxiety as a teenager and i'd be soo anxious in social settings. what did i think was going to happen? nothing, but i was still anxious for no reason constantly. and my anxiety never manifested, because even i knew it was illogical. it still hindered me in other ways, but it didn't manifest into negative circumstances in my reality!

re-reading your ask i realize u didn't mention anxiety 😭 but im still gonna keep all that in bc i still think you/other people will benefit from those anecdotes! lol

"idk how to feel it real and not panic when the circumstances are all up in my face and taking a toll on me"

in my experience, you don't need to focus on feeling it real constantly! i focus on feeling it real while im imagining, but during the day, i just shift my state when i need to. that being said, there's no pressure to be in the state of the wish fulfilled every second of the day! the main goal is to enter TSOTWF more than the state of lack, but there's also more states you can enter throughout the day! sometimes during the day you're neither in the state of the wish fulfilled nor the state of lack. there's such thing as a neutral state! so if you're panicking and it's hard for you to shift back to your desired state, you can focus on shifting to a neutral state. you can do this by trying to calm yourself down, talking to yourself, meditating, taking deep breaths, etc. if you need to just take deep breaths and think of something else that has nothing to do with your desire, go for it!

if im manifesting something on a time crunch, it always really helps me to just deep breathe and talk to myself, saying things such as "there's nothing to worry about, its mine, it's promised, everything is going to work out perfectly, my 3D is going to change, my inner man already has it and my inner man is me" etc.

i manifested moving out and this was very helpful for me! i dealt with very toxic, narcissistic parents and my family struggled with money for most of my life. sometimes my parents would be yelling at me for no reason and it'd trigger me bc i was manifesting living in my own apartment on my own. in these times i'd focus on remaining calm and staying in a neutral state. eventually it got easier for me and i'd be able to talk to myself in my head while getting yelled at, saying stuff like "im so glad this isn't my life anymore, im so glad i live on my own whew" etc. i'd also imagine that i was just visiting home and i couldn't wait for my visit to be over so i could go back to my own apartment again.

just remember that no matter what happens in your 3D, nothing can stop you from having your desire in your imagination. you moved out in your 4D and nothing can change that! it is fact, and all you have to do is persist in that face. you don't have to gaslight or trick yourself into thinking you moved out in the 3D. you just need to stand firm in the fact you have it in your 4D.

anywayzzz i hope this helps! i hope i answered your question i fear i went on multiple different tangents lol <3

consciousness masterlist

this masterlist is for non dualism, spirituality and law of assumption posts that talk abt being consciousness. take what you resonate with! these posts are pretty much the most condensed ways to explain consciouness. of course words are limited, but this is a good starting point. ik nondualism and manifesting aren't really mixable, but loa posts explain consciousness pretty well & consciousness is the basis for both loa and nondualism

nondualism / advaita vedanta.

how to actually manifest & how it works - awarenessis.

the complete guide to nondualism - multiversebaddie

how to be awareness - 4dbarbie

the true you - 4dbarbie

i am that q&a pt1 - 4dbarbie

something important to know - starinparisdream

you are god - oneirosophist

right here, right now - oneirosophist

what is the 3d, how do i change it? - 4dbarbie

fully embrace who you are - awarenessis

nothing has ever stained your being - lainsreality

law of assumption

the true you - blushydior

original reality - lovilyy deactivated

you're already home - ndeyebaby

acceptance of your true power - starbursts777

the reason why you are limitless - multiversebaddie

you are inside your mind - aphroditeapprenticee

trying - heavenythea

fufill - reverieaa

I AM - aphroditeapprenticee

law and love - iivenusii

who are you? - thisdreamplace

spirituality

speak life - jh4l

shut up and listen - aspiritualwarrior

anon asks

what does it mean to be infinite - 4dbarbie

to make my life perfect ... - 4dbarbie

i feel like people don't understand - aphroditeaprenticee

the 3d and the 4d are the same - piercedblunt

self remembering - anonimus

lack and god - sexydreamgirl

The major steps are first, becoming aware of the fact that we are master over matter (and matter includes the body). Then, the second major step is becoming master over mind. And when we become really masterful over mind we are able to and we do let go of mind and operate in the realm of omniscience, in the realm of knowingness. Then we are fully aware of the infinite Being that we are, and are in the ultimate Happiness. We should start with the first step, consciously controlling matter. Whether we are aware of it or not, everyone is controlling matter all the time. Whether one wants to be a demonstrator or not, he is. It is impossible to not be a creator all the time. Everyone is creating every day. We are not aware of it because we just don't look at it. We have demonstrated or created everything we have! Every thought, every single thought, materializes in the physical world. It's impossible to have a thought that will not materialize (except that we reverse it). If we think the opposite right after we have a thought, with equal strength, we neutralize it.

So this thing of demonstration that we are all trying so hard to accomplish, we are doing all the time, unconscious of the fact that we're doing it.

You are a creator, so long as you have a mind and think.

━ these were all Lester's words.

Predicting the Q&A that will follow and answering you these.

Q: Does that mean if I think my dog died my dog will die???

Ada: Did you take that thought to be true? What reason would you have to suddenly believe your dog is dead? No, thought materializes when it's absolute, that is when you think "My fridge is in the kitchen", you have no doubts or questions coming along with that, it's a statement you take as real. You think your fridge is in the kitchen, and so it is. You have no feelings regarding that, it is just a statement, it is just reality.

Q: Okay then, how do I make reality of me being Lara?

Ada: This is why I insist to see you aren't either. You can't let go of Vanessa now because you think you are her. Can you think of your fridge being in the living room while you're convinced it is in the kitchen? You don't even allow yourself to, if that thought comes into being - you brush it off, you can't take it for a possibility because you know the fridge is in the kitchen. If you really thought you were Lara, the way you think your fridge is in the kitchen, then that would be materialized with no question. Do you ask questions about Vanessa being materialized? No, she is. No questions asked. You may have all these big feelings about her, but she is because you think so so strongly in the first place, you never allowed yourself to doubt it. Stop thinking it is so and see. what. happens. This is why I insist on equal-mindedness toward all bodies/persons, because then you can just pick and have it be so instantly. Now you don't pick because you go back to dealing with all of Vanessa's baggage, because you think she is the All, the background, the source - and you need to work with that, change her thinking to change her reality. There's this have to, have to, have to━you can't let go of. But Self is not Vanessa.

Being your Self is having all the fridges floating in space, picking one and placing the fridge wherever you want with a thought.

Revert to your natural state and have any thought be absolute the way Vanessa in this moment is to you absolute.

Can you do a guide for how awakening ourself and change our life?

All my posts are guides if you want it enough :D

There is already one up, and this too should be useful :)

First and foremost get to a place where the person you're identified with right now doesn't bother you anymore. It's a kind of surrendering but to me, truthfully and honestly, it felt more like a giving up. Even if it makes you miserable, accept it until you no more fear it or care if you stay the same.

If anybody here started from law of attraction back in 2020, you may know they had a step to "let go", everybody revolted because if we want it of course we aren't gonna be able to let it go. They were right, but not in the way they thought they were. Both letting go or trying to convince our ego of something does nothing. It feels very unnatural and:

• delusional to claim you have something you do not see, depending on everyone's personality;

• rage inducing to be told to let go when the ego considers this desire a NEED, it has to have it and nothing will stop it.

Last year when I've read Lester's book for the first time, it made my heart drop each time he said "Let go of all desires" - it made me feel hopeless instead of empowered. I was like "you can't be serious, I CAN'T, you're supposed to help me not sink me". Nobody trusts in the "let go", especially now after law of assumption when you know you are the source of all that is. Let go and do what? Who's gonna give it to me if it's all my doing? It really made me feel nauseous when he told me to stop desiring because I really couldn't go on without having what I needed. It felt like he was telling me to just endure life. We all got into loa because we were at low bottom and wished ourselves better, what do you mean wish nothing? I half wanted to smack him.

After law of attraction, it was law of assumption - you lose patience and gain resentment when it doesn't show up when you want it to, sometimes (a lot) not at all. You aren't sure of anything, you're just supposed to blindly trust. Don't ask how, don't ask when, just fulfill yourself. Well I want it now and I want it like this, if it's all me why isn't it happening now and like this???? It was contradicting and nothing exponentially significant happened no matter how much I mentally acted as that person, since I still knew myself to be me (past ego).

Loa was wrong about letting go because you can't let go of desires or fears if you don't know who you really are. If you think you are this ego you can't help being anxious. You can't help wanting to get. Real Surrendering can only be of the ego. By letting go of who you think you are and seeing you were never it in the first place, that it is because YOU are, you naturally drop all desires and fears because they weren't yours. And if you want to be a person, now can just pick another person who has none. You aren't anxious because you have no reason to, you were never what you thought to be your self so nothing can stop you from changing anymore. Doubts don't exist because they don't have "time" to. Creation is instantaneous with the creator. There's no rage or resentment since emotions are of the ego, your real self has an equal attitude toward everything.

See that you are first, with no labels; not even that of male/female. SEE THAT FOR EVERYTHING ELSE TO BE YOU NEED TO BE FIRST. See how there would be no thing if there wasn't someone for it to happen to! There is no world and no person without the one who experiences it. You are that one and not the thing you are conscious of.

“Do I need to undo conditioning / limiting beliefs, you can’t deny we went through shit and are affected by it”

Conditioning is a human made concept. What conditioning is there to be undone when you are not human and there is no past.

E.g. If you grew up without money and would like to bring money into your life and have “limiting beliefs” about money there is actually nothing to be done about them.

Why? Because they are nonexistent and have no value or meaning or power. You give them power by assuming they are an actual power holding you back and you must get rid of them or change them.

This is how powerful you are, you can fool yourself like this.

But you are not human and there is no past.

You can only assume there’s something to be done for a “physical” situation from the perspective of a “physical” human being.

But we all know there is no tangible physical. Even in science they say you can only see about 1% of your visual field. Whether you are a logical “realist”, religious, etc there are signs everywhere that this “physical / real” reality is not as real as you think it is.

It’s energy / God / awareness whatever you want to call it in form. It’s merely a hallucination.

I say whatever you want to call it because this power is so ineffable, it’s unknown, it’s so powerful.

Beyond what you can grasp.

And anything is possible in the unknown. How can you say something is impossible 😂 honestly how laughable.

You are that ineffable God / infinity / universe / consciousness.

Pure miracle.

Tell me now what “limiting beliefs” or “conditioning” you have when you are not human and there is no time.

Stop these complications, meaningless labels, false pretences.

Facing yourself and asking questions, or coming to a natural observation / understanding of this. It is up to you.

And then realise this is all a game to remember yourself.

This shouldn’t feel forced, it’s not hard work, it’s not unnatural.

It’s natural because it’s pure flow. It’s your nature of being.

It’s this ineffable infinite powerful existence.

“There will always be a person who looks like a poem the earth wrote to keep you alive.”

— Juansen Dizon

“Health, wealth, beauty and genius are not created; they are only manifested by the arrangement of your mind – that is, by your concept of yourself [and your concept of yourself is all that you accept and consent to as true. What you consent to can only be discovered by an uncritical observation of your reactions to life. Your reactions reveal where you live psychologically; and where you live psychologically determines how you live here in the outer visible world].”

—Neville Goddard, The Power of Awareness Chapter 2, (1952)

Hello Ko! I'm so glad you joined Tumblr, I think out of everyone I know and follow, you are the most trustworthy person to get information from. You truly know what you're talking about and you're very very helpful to us with questions. ❤️ I'm gonna try to make this as short as possible because I don't want to make you read a long, rant-ish question. Basically, I really really need some guidance/advice. Like I need some serioussss help..

For about 6 years, I've been "trying" to manifest, reality shift etc. I was focused on desires and getting. I was focused on doing methods to get things and "trying" things. would look all the time for information and "how to's" because I just wanted to shift realities so badly so I could experience all of the crazy things I would imagine. Nothing ever worked for me, not once in those 6 years. I eventually started to panic and think I was wasting years of my life on stuff that wasn't real (yet I'd still hope and try anyway) however I found non-dualism. Like I said, I was VERY focused on desires and getting, so as much as I told myself that I understand non-dualism, deep down I was still attached to ego and understood nothing. I viewed nondualism as a method. I still wanted desires deep down, even if I tried to say "No I want to be free!". I've now come to accept that if I truly want to be free, I need to genuinely STOP seeking desires and things of the ego. I need to accept that if I'm gonna be stuck on desiring, then ND isn't for me. So with that said, I told myself I'd follow non dualism properly and I wouldn't use it as a manifestation or shifting method.

This is the part where I ask for advice. When you're someone who has been stuck up on wanting to shift realities and get things so badly, for SO long, it's hard to let it all go suddenly. I don't know how to drop these thoughts that I get. I feel delusional and depressed because I hate this "life". I remind myself that it isn't real but then I feel insane and I tell myself I need to accept reality and stop hoping for miracles. I no longer wish to fulfill desires or use methods, I want to be free from feeling like this, I want to genuinely not live as if I'm ego anymore but it feels like my thoughts never stop. In the back of my mind, I always think "but I just wanna shift" "I'm delusional" "I am this body/mind"

Ko, I need any kind of guidance. Is there some materials I should read? I'll honestly read whatever books necessary. I don't know what to do 😅 I want to have the same understanding you do. I go to sleep every night thinking "maybe I can wake up in a new reality" and it completely defeats the purpose of me having no duality. I'm always hoping and trying, even when I don't want to "hope" or "try". I get so confused so easily and I think about going back to manifestation, but it never worked and I got depressed because of it. I want to free myself from these ego emotions, free from thinking I need this or that, free from having duality. I want to TRULY understand nondualism and live that way. Forgive me if this is long! I didn't intend to trauma dump or vent in your ask box, like I said before you're just one of the people I trust most. You're very knowledgeable on nondualism and I appreciate your posts very very much 🤍

First step, understand that Non dualism is ONLY(!!!!!!!!!!) a POINTER to what 'you' are. Being fixiated on 'trying to understand ND' is a trap you shouldn't fall into. I used it as a pointer(!) i do not "practise" any concepts.

I cannot stress enough how it is ONLY A POINTER, NOT THE "SOLUTION" NOR "ABSOLUTE TRUTH". "THAT" which you fundamentally are, IS Absolute.

Who has been "trying" all this time? -> The 'person' you THINK you are.

Who "wants" to understand? -> The 'person' you THINK you are

Use it as a pointer and then drop it.

I'm so serious, NEVER see it as the solution, it is a trap to do so. It will help as a start but go BEYOND that. It is nothing but another concept TO HELP.

A lot of you speak about the "ego" like it is some separate entity causing confusion and suffering but it is not. It is ONLY(!!!!!) who you THINK(!!!!) you are. If you stopped thinking about it, could you tell me who you seemingly are?

There are no books needed to """understand""" the basics of this concept, even if you read it, to drop it and be beyond such illusory concepts, is something that is done with or without books.

What you are can NEVER be defined. "THAT" has no name, no label, no characteristics. Nothingness. Yet it seems(!!!!!!) to contain "everything".. but "everything" = "nothingness".

By repeatedly returning to "Nothingness", it becomes clear that you never actually left that "Nothingness" and that it is everywhere.

Drop every label and concept. Everything you SEEM to know. What are you left with?

-> " "

If 'you' want to, you can listen to "YourHigherSelf" on YouTube or the shorter videos of Swami Sarvapriyananda on YouTube.

But again, seeking continously for the Absolute, is a funny game and an even funnier trap. Have enough discipline to not do that and simply BE.