“Do I Need To Undo Conditioning / Limiting Beliefs, You Can’t Deny We Went Through Shit And Are Affected

hey lain! im so sorry if this post is long asf but i just spent like 25+ minutes reading your posts and replies to anons. i (well ego, actually) has spent every day since she learned about non-dualism seeking something that would "click." she was desperately trying to find what she needed to do to realize self, because as much as she told herself in her mind that she understands non-dualism, she really wasn't understanding. so anyway, she basically just had this feeling of "i'm done trying. this is exhausting and i'm so damn tired of this. there's nothing to try. the fact that i desire things and want to understand things etc., is all irrelevant." so with that, she started scrolling thru your posts, reading them fully rather than skimming them (she's lazy and doesn't like reading all the way, she always just skimmed long posts💀💀)

she just wanted the most simplest understanding on what to do and now she knows that it's literally just to stop identifying with ego. so i, my actual self, literally does not need to ask questions. i do not wonder what to do, all thoughts of "what do i have to fix" is ego. i do not have to convince ego that i am not her because... she isn't real and self doesn't think anyway, so anytime i have one of those exhausting mind battles where i think i'm telling ego that everything is fake and an illusion, i just need to remember that both of those thoughts are literally the ego. so feeling like i need to read more information, or i need to convince myself of something, will always be the ego, not ME. ALL THAT I NEED TO DO IS NOT IDENTIFY WITH EGO.

and let me tell you, i paused reading for a sec to "test it" (not necessarily testing anything but i was just getting into the feeling of not identifying) and i genuinely felt the difference. like i felt what i was supposed to, the freedom and desirelessness yk? every thought in my mind, every feeling i had, any desire i was thinking about "getting" i just said quietly said in my head, not me. that's all ego. and i didn't bother convincing or reassuring myself like "see its just ego so relax, okay i don't need to worry. i'm not ego! remember that!" because the only thing that ever needs reassurance is ego, and reassuring her is identifying with her. i didn't bother trying to "believe" anything because i knew anything further was ego. and if i am not ego, it is absolutely pointless to do anything more than just observe the thoughts and let it pass. i'd be holding my own self back from freedom by doing anything more than observing and letting it pass.

basically i just wanted to share that, because i got this giddy and relieving feeling because i know exactly what i need to do. it's not even something i "need to do", it's not a process, it's just a simple look at anything that makes me feel not free or like i'm desiring and thinking "not me, just ego." and moving on! i already feel less stressed because i'm not trying to achieve desires, i don't feel desire, ego does, but i'm not her so i don't have to fix it or remove the desire, i just let it pass on. i feel so relaxed now and just empty (in a good way. i'm emptied of hopelessness, desire, confusion) the "click" ego wanted so bad is basically this. and its so SIMPLE. i know that the habit of identifying is still kinda there for me though, but understanding the simplicity of this now and not feeling the need to search for "what to do" is gonna make it so easy to break the habit once and for all. thank you so much for your posts lain sincerely. i might delete tumblr to avoid the ego's habit of mindlessly opening the app and scrolling for hours cuz she thinks she needs to find the secret krabby patty formula to realizing self but at the same time your page brings such a comforting and safe feeling that i love 💙💙💙

i'm so glad you understand! it's good that you finally practised, you can read everything and get nowhere if you don't take the leap ♡

keep going!

golden (like daylight)

read on ao3 • main masterlist • law school masterlist

summary: three times han joon hwi tried to confess to kang sol, and the one time kang sol confessed to him.

word count: 6.8k words

a/n: after almost a year, ao3 user colorfuldreams finally had two braincells knock into each other and finally make an idea! jokes aside, i’m so happy to be writing for solhwi again. writing them felt so familiar that this fic just flowed freely from the heart. i forgot how easy it was to write for them. i literally wrote this in the span of 4 hours, literally one sitting and my god i missed writing for this couple so much. this is dedicated to everyone on twitter who encouraged me to keep going, to everyone who loved law school! i hope this kick continues and i can write more and more for them!

HAN JOON HWI wasn’t a masochist. Really, he liked to live a painless life as possible, but after losing his family, losing his uncle, being accused of murder, and the whole plethora of events during his 1L, he hasn’t been awarded the opportunity to live a peaceful life. But just when he thought he could live a painless life, at last, the realization that he was in love with Kang Sol A, punched him in the face.

The punch was painful, the fear of everything he was risking swirling around his mind. Kang Sol was everything to him: his best friend, his confidant. She’s the one that risked herself for him when no one else would. She’s the one that believed in him when no one else did.

It was a dangerous thing, to be so in love with someone that ripped his whole world off its axis to revolve around her. Each passing day, each study session, each moment shared between them was another granule of sand dripping through the hourglass, building up the fear of rejection, vulnerability, and commitment. Every fear of his that he had buried down was unearthed each time he considered confessing to her.

But the realization was also blissful. Blinding. Soothing. For every inch of fear she brought to him, she brought triple times the joy. Each time he looked at her, talked with her, spent time with her, happiness would burst within him, the feeling bleeding into every corner of his body. It would start at his lungs, wrapping itself around his heart before moving up to his throat, then down his shoulders to his arms, to the very tips of his fingers.

The first couple of times he felt it, the feeling was electrifying, making his fingers fidget in want to pull her close, to tell her how he felt. But the more he felt, the more he came to be at peace with it, the sharp excitement morphing into contentment each time. Being in love with Kang Sol A was just that: pain and fear swirling into bliss and contentment.

Joon hwi shut the book sitting in front of him, the slam of the pages causing the students around him to shoot him a dirty look. He paid them no attention, considering the only student that mattered to him barely lifted her head from where it was buried in her textbook.

It was dead week at Hanguk Law school, meaning every student on campus was crammed into any room they could find, pouring over their texts to sear every comma and word into their minds. Students walked around campus like zombies, one hand clutching coffee and a textbook in the other flipped open to whatever page they needed to memorize. Joon hwi, unlike his last year, was no exception. He was a genius, yes, but even he needed to study for the grueling exams of 2L.

So of course, he wound up studying next to Sol, her in the signature grey sweaters and sweatpants, with her hair haphazardly tied into a bun. He watched as she tracked her eyes across her readings, pausing to jot down some notes before continuing on studying. She was diligent in her studies, trying to absorb as much as she could so she wasn’t so behind in her classes. Luckily for his worrying heart, Sol wasn’t nearly as unhealthy as the last year, her self-abusive study habits fading away slowly after she realized that she couldn’t afford to burn out.

Still, he was always worried that she would slip back into them, especially after the crushing midterm grade in her Corporations and Evidence class. For the past few weeks, he had his eye on her, making sure to drop off food, leave her some of his precious ramen and encourage her to take breaks. Joon hwi knew better to argue against Sol at this point, familiar with the stubbornness that coursed through her so all he did was just be there for her.

Gently, Joon hwi placed a hand on her shoulder, trying not to startle her too much. Sol jerked at his touch, but the hazy look in her eyes vanished as she looked up at him questioningly.

“Let’s take a break,” he whispered to her, trying his best to ignore the glare of every student at the sound of his voice. Sol opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off by grabbing her hand.

He shot her his best ‘puppy’ eyes, trying to convince her to do what he wanted, until the tired girl gave in, getting up and out of her seat. He got out of his own seat, stretching before he followed behind her, leaving the stuff on the library table, trusting that Ye-Seul and the rest of the study group would keep watch of it.

The two of them walked in comfortable silence until they reached the doors of the school and stepped into the warm summer air. Sol stretched slightly, letting out a small sound of contentment as they marched side by side, enjoying a break from constantly studying. Joon hwi had his hands stuffed into his pockets, enjoying the feel of having her at his side, trying to soak in her presence as much as possible.

“How do you think we would be as lawyers?” she asked him, her voice breaking the silence.

“Why are you thinking about that?” he questioned, kicking a small pebble out of the way as they continued their lap around the campus.

“I don’t know. I’m just curious I guess, about how we would be after law school,” she answered simply.

“Hm. Well, I don’t think much would change. Obviously, we’d be in different fields and we’ll have longer hours and more work. But I’m sure we’d always be here for each other,” he answered, before noticing the slight furrow in her eyebrows. “Why? Were you excited to leave me behind Sol-ah?” he teased lightly.

Sol let out a sharp laugh, twisting to face him. “Han Joon hwi, if you think I’m letting go of you that easily, you’re dead wrong.” She moved to bump her hip into his, pushing him slightly.

“Trust me, I have no intention of letting you fade out of my life,” he replied, letting out a huff of laughter in response. As if I’d ever let you go.

Sol paused in her tracks slightly, and Joon hwi had to turn around to face her. And they stood, facing each other like that for a few moments, the summer air wrapping around them as they studied each other.

“Thank you, Joon hwi. I know you’ve been trying to make sure I won’t slip into my bad habits again,” she said, biting her lip slightly as she looked up at him.

Joon hwi opened his mouth to deny it but she beat him to the chase. “You don’t have to admit it, but know that I’ll make sure I pay back the debt!” Before he could formulate a reply, she started walking forward once more, leaving him only a couple steps behind.

“You owe no debt, Sol-ah,” his voice rang out as he smiled softly at her retreating figure. And all of a sudden, everything in him wanted to scream out to her how much he liked her. How grateful he was for her. How he’d always be here for her. How much he loved her.

But it was a moment too late, as he ran forward to catch up with her, as their conversation twisted towards the upcoming exams.

And yet, in that moment, Joon hwi could see the rest of his life roll out with her, whether their relationship was platonic or more.

The cold air whipped around him, soothing his burning muscles as he pushed himself into another lap around the field. It was pitch dark outside, save for the bright lights that lined the Hanguk field, the autumn wind bring a chill into the air. And in the center of it all, was Han Joon hwi, clad in just some shorts and a workout shirt, panting from the burn in his lungs.

It was almost 2 years since Joon hwi lost his uncle, and almost like it was tradition, he was outside, trying to push his body into exhaustion. The ache and reveal of who his uncle was, how he had gone against the sacred law that Joon hwi trusted so much, came back into full force around this time.

Despite having almost two years to move on from the betrayal, the admiration and the love Joon hwi had held for him, the ache still resided within his bones, awakening every single year. It was a pain that he couldn’t express, the emotions so complex and big that he couldn’t begin to untangle them in his mind. Every single memory of his uncle had resided, replaying in his mind over and over again.

His uncle lifted the younger Joon hwi onto his shoulders, running around the house in an attempt to make him laugh. His uncle comforted the teenage Joon hwi as he failed his first exam, trying to understand how he felt. His uncle took him to his office for the first time, announcing how proud he was of his nephew to his coworkers. Arguing with his uncle over the mistake Joon hwi had uncovered, gritting his teeth and trying to believe that his uncle was still a good man. Rejecting a conversation with him as they both stood in front of Hanguk Law school, ignoring the desperation on his uncle’s face. Discovering his uncle’s dead body in the Professor’s room, the shock and confusion threaded through his mind.

Each memory was clear as day in his mind, no matter how much he wanted to ignore the idea that his uncle was ever a part of his life, after understanding the bribes his uncle had taken. But then, he remembered who taught him to respect the law so much. The one that had debated every law code with him, helped him remember important cases as a high schooler when Joon hwi would ask questions. His uncle’s legacy for him was a confusing, tangled mess that hurt to touch or untangle.

So Joon hwi gritted his teeth and ran, ignoring the pain in his muscles, the sharp burn as he tried to breathe the cold air into his lungs. He shut down his mind as he pushed forward one more lap, closing his eyes and trying to distract himself from the sadness trapped within him.

He lost track of time, the sweat dripping down his body as he ran for what felt like an eternity. In a push to get out on more lap, his legs gave out, his knees hitting the turf hard the exhaustion caught up to the adrenaline. The momentary pause though gave the chance for his emotions to override him, his eyes welling up with tears as he breathed heavily, his knees burning from the impact.

Then, as he blinked away his tears once more, trying and failing to get up, Kang Sol appeared in front of him, thrusting out a bottle of water and looking down at him with such emotion, that he wanted to shy away from her gaze.

He grabbed the bottle from her hands wordlessly, as she kneeled in front of him. Her hair was askew from the wind, whipping it around. Sol was still in her plain brown sweater and sweatpants, her classic attire for school as she sat in front of him, her eyes roaming over his face.

“What,” he started, trying to catch his breath as he took another gulp of water, “What are you doing here?”

“I saw you in front of his memorial today,” she started, and he looked away, knowing exactly what she was talking about. “So, I figured you’d be here tonight,” she said simply, as though it was obvious to figure out.

“Yes, but why?” he asked, trying to press her for an answer. Sol simply pursed her lips as she looked at him, and he could see a million thoughts running through her eyes. Each emotion flitted through her face, clear as day for him to read. Still, he waited patiently for her to answer, yearning for a simple answer, a simple confirmation.

“I told you, remember? I’m rooting for you in your uncle’s place,” she said, as she looked down at her hands, tangled in the grass of the turf field. “And it means that I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”

All of a sudden, every emotion he had stuffed into a corner of his mind welled up inside him as he looked at her figure, kneeling down in front of him at almost 3 in the morning. The tears welled up in his eyes blurring out her figure and he gritted his teeth once more, as his emotions meshed into each other.

It was too much, the knowledge that she just knew where to find him, that she just knew how he felt. The idea that he was such an open book to her was so terrifying, yet it felt so gratifying to be seen. To know that someone was looking out for him, someone to protect him against everything going against him. And the idea that it all came from Sol, who had a million other things to worry about in her life, just made it all the more painful.

All he could do was sit there, still breathing heavily as he looked at the girl in front of him, still awake in the middle of the night just to check in on him, as she tangled her hands into the grass and fidgetted as if she had revealed too much of herself to him.

He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t express any of the emotion he felt, the words lodged in his throat as he looked into her knowing eyes, so he settled to grabbing her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

She landed against him in an oomph, surprised at his sudden movement as her shoulders stiffened in his arms. But Joon hwi made no move to let go, trying to soak up the feeling of holding her in his arms as much as possible before the moment dashed away. Slowly, she relaxed in his arms, her hands encircling his body to hug him tighter against her.

She was warm against him, her frame lithe against his as she fit right into his body as if she was designed to reside there. He breathed in her scent, letting the intoxicating smell wrap around him until his mind was only focused on her. Sol was warm against him, almost protecting him from the autumn chill, and it was bliss. Her hands clutched his shirt, trying to pull him a little closer, as though she couldn’t get enough and it only drove him insane.

And there they both sat, holding each other in their arms, desperately trying to cling onto this moment before it passed. He ignored every bit of his surroundings, just trying to soak in the moment until it was etched into his bones. Joon hwi would have sat there for hours, if not for the exhaustion and sleep creeping into his mind, his body almost slack in comfort against her.

As if she read his mind, Sol drew away, pausing for a moment to look at him, her thumb tracing along his jaw. He shivered against the feel and hoped Sol mistook it for the chilling weather and not because of her touch. She got up from the turf, dusting off the dirt as he sat and looked up at her, just watching her as she moved.

She juts out a hand, and he clasped it, as she pulled him up. He almost knocked against her, her body pushing back slightly against the impact, but soon they were standing in the field. Silently, they walked back to their dorms side by side, and Joon hwi spent every moment trying to soak up her presence, use her to comfort, and soothe his pain.

And in that moment, Joon hwi knew, that he could always rely on her, the same way she did on him.

It was almost 6 PM when Attorney Kang Sol A stormed into his office. It’s been a year since both of them graduated from Hanguk Law School, clinging to each other and the study group to get them through their finals. After graduation Sol took a job with Attorney Park, trying to work her way up to making associate while he took a position at the prosecutor’s office.

It was always Joon hwi’s dream to wear the mahogany robes, and it was as though his mind was always built for this job. But it didn’t make it any easier. The job was demanding, the hours long and the work-intensive as he had to pour over stacks and stacks of case files each day. It made the reading in law school look like a chapter book, with the amount of reading and writing he had to do to pick apart each case that was handed to him.

It often meant that he was seen leaving the office at odd hours, stumbling into his apartment only to collapse into his bed soon after. It meant that he had to skip lunch to meet a deadline, to make sure a case was thoroughly reviewed. It meant that he worked himself to the bone, to make sure that he can fight the corruption within Korea’s law systems.

It wasn’t much different for Sol either. The exhaustion from her work though was evident on her face, her tired eyes, and the slight droop in her shoulders a dead giveaway. While she hadn’t regressed to her unhealthy study patterns from their 1L days, it was clear that the job weighed heavily on her. Each day she was faced with an impossible case, trying to keep her morals in a world that rewarded you if you had none.

Unlike Joon hwi, who was equipped with so many resources at hand at the prosecutor’s office, she had none of the advantages. Sol had to gather her evidence on her own, often making trips and meetings to meet with victims and families and the scenes of the crime. She spent hours pouring over CCTV footage to scrounge up evidence, scouring through law codes to find the perfect one to use as a defense.

It was grueling work, demanding so much of her time and energy. Yet, Sol hadn’t changed a bit, her optimism and drive overriding any obstacle she faced. She had grown to hold her own, a lot more confident in her abilities than she had been when they met.

The amount of time he had with her had lessened as they both got jobs, unfortunately, distant from each other. Still, he was grateful that she was still in the city, and that she could spare some weekends to come and visit. She’d spend days lounging with him, making dinner or lunch, and watching some TV show as they talked about their weeks together.

It was blissful, contentment in sharing his life with hers, even if it would only be platonic. Even if it meant he couldn’t have her, he couldn’t kiss her or hold her in the way he really wanted to.

Joon hwi looked up at the woman that just stormed into his office, Sol’s hand clutched against her briefcase as he sat buried under the stacks of files on his desks. She sat down in the chair next to him, and he swiveled in his chair to face her, rolling it until his knees touched hers.

Her hair, now longer with bangs, was messy, as though she had been messing with it all day. Her usually immaculate suit was askew, her blouse crumpled slightly. And worst of all, he could see the redness in her nose and cheeks, the unshed tears building up in her eyes as she sat in front of him, which made his heart clench.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this, Joon hwi,” she blurted out suddenly as she broke into a sob. Joon hwi blinked, taken aback by the crying woman who now sat in front of him, before the sharp pain of watching her cry flooded through him once more.

“What happened?” he asked, trying to hold back the urge to gather her into his arms and soothe her until she stops crying.

“I,” she started, her tears choking her words, “I lost the case. I lost the child abuse case,” and Sol cried harder, the words echoing around his office once more.

Joon hwi swallowed, his hands reaching out to clasp hers. He remembered this case from a couple weeks back, when he popped by Sol’s office. Her head was firmly buried under the case files, her hair pinned up with a pencil holding it all in place. It was a really important case to her, especially after her family’s past. Sol had talked to him for hours about it, how serious the abuse was and how if she lost, the mother would lose custody.

“You can’t blame yourself, Sol-ah,” he soothed, rubbing circles into the backs of her hands as she tried to calm herself, her breath coming out in small pants. Joon hwi’s heart broke as he watched her place the blame on herself, but knowing there was nothing he could do to fix it for her.

“No, because it’s my fault, I should have tried harder,” her voice was shaky, the tears still falling freely from her eyes, as she gritted her teeth.

Joon hwi moved his hands from hers to cup her face, slowly wiping away the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Then he pulled her into his arms once more, trying to shield her from everything as much as he could. Sol could only sob harder then, and Joon hwi could feel her tears soaking into his shirt, but he paid it no mind.

The affection was a pitiful attempt at comfort, knowing that there wasn’t anything Joon hwi could do for her other than to just be here. Sol was always a deep feeler, and her empathy toward her clients was what made her an amazing lawyer. She took chances on people, and she always put everything into a case, especially when she recognized any hint of injustice.

But it was also the reason why she held such pain for every lost case of hers, every case where she failed to deliver a favorable ruling. She had an impeccable memory for each other, playing through the details of every case she lost to make sure she never loses another. But every once in a while, a case like this will come across her desk and it will unearth all her failures.

No matter how much Joon hwi tried to argue that it wasn’t her fault, Sol would have none of it. She was firm in her belief that it was her fault, and no one else's, and that if she tried harder she would have won. It was a stubbornness that she held so close that convinced her that she was at fault. And truly, there was nothing he could argue against because he knows that it’s the same way he feels when he loses a case.

So he held her tight against him, her body shaking with sobs as he allowed her to feel every emotion and process everything she was going through. He tried to make her as safe in his embrace as possible, allowing her to just let go of everything she held within herself. They resided there again, with her head against his chest until Kang Sol drew away from him slowly.

“Thank you,” she choked out, her voice hoarse from the crying. Her face was puffy and red, her eyelashes clumped from the crying and his heart only broke more, watching her go through so much pain.

I love you. I love you so much Sol-ah and it breaks me every time I see you cry.

“I’ll always be here for you,” he breathed out, settling to say just this rather than the three words he yearned, ached to tell her. It was still lodged in his throat, trying to escape but the fear of her reaction and the idea of her seeing just how much it broke him to see her like this terrified him to no end.

So Joon hwi simply looked at her, trying to memorize every part of her face, every inch of her skin. And in that moment, Joon hwi knew, that he would be content for the rest of his life if he could just be there for her.

KANG SOL A was exhausted. It was her third year of being a lawyer, finally making associate at Park & co. You would think, after bringing down a congressman and solving a murder in her 1L, and taking on cases all throughout law school and beyond would make her equipped to deal with the stresses of her job now.

And if she was being truthful to herself, in some ways things were easier. She made more money now, not having to worry quite as much about her family as she used to. She supposed it was also the fact that Kang Dan was sending in support from where she was doing her doctoral work at Harvard, the missing sister finally bringing her family together. She had more freedom with the cases she chose, not having to defend scum or take cases with basically no evidence. Her friends were still thick as thieves, even though everyone was spread across the city, with their hours conflicting with each other. They held regular dinners, trying to bring back some of the camaraderies they had when they were cooped up on campus together.

Overall, it looked like she was holding it together, especially compared to her erratic life during 1L. Still, she couldn’t help but feel like she was scrambling for answers.

Maybe it was because everyone, while still friends, had moved on in some way or another. Kang Sol B and Ji Ho were set to be married, the invitations popping up in the mail out of nowhere. She supposed she should have seen it coming. The two of them understood each other in ways none of the others could. Jiho and Sol B were cut from the same cloth, so it made sense that they were able to comfort and be there for each other more than anyone else could.

Ye Seul and Bogki were starting anew, both of them just starting a relationship together. Bokgi had waited for her, to take time for herself, to find who she was before she attempted a relationship. They were taking it slow, but they cared for each other so gently and adoringly that it was clear that they would spend the rest of eternity together.

But Kang Sol was still stuck where she was 4 years ago, in love with her best friend and unable to do anything about it. She was stuck where she was, unable to make a move in fear of messing up the carefully stitched friendship she held with Han Joon Hwi.

There was never an epic love story between them. No grand gestures nor movie-like moments. It was gradually built, the two of them being there for each other when they needed it most. It was to the point where Sol could scarcely tell when she fell in love with him. It was as though her love was always residing within her, the pieces hidden deep within her heart until they all stitched together to make something that took over her whole body.

It was scary, being so in love with someone so much that she couldn’t imagine her life without them. It wrapped around any flutter or contentment she felt from being in his presence, the idea that she was so open and vulnerable to him. The idea that she had placed her heart in his hands unknowingly, and he wasn’t even aware that he could shatter it into pieces in an instant.

She supposed this was just a part of her nature. Sol was, unfortunately, an optimist. She saw the best in people, even if she was burned by trying to unearth the good in people multiple times. She used to resent that part of her, the piece of her that would rush into things even though she knew she would get hurt. But after seeing so much corruption and hatred and injustice, she realized that seeing the good in someone, and having hope for the future was a choice she had to make if she wanted to survive.

And even if she could express it, everything she felt for him, held back from him, it felt too confusing and complicated to ever express. It was too much to even put into words. Still, even with the carefully held hope that Joon hwi felt the same, she attempted to prevent herself from rushing in. She built a carefully, albeit weak, wall around her complex feelings for him, trying to keep it stuffed into a corner of her heart. Being hurt by her cases, by life, she could take. But she couldn’t afford it from Joon hwi.

She ran a hand through her hair, the other clutched at her briefcase before entering her mother’s house. Sol still lived with her, trying to minimize her financial burden as much as possible since she took care of Byeol after work when her mother was pulled in for a late-night shift. She opened the front door, the exhaustion of the day coursing through her once more as she took off her shoes to slip on her house slippers.

“Byeol-ah, I’m home,” she announced as she peered into the living room, only to be left confused when she was meant with an empty couch. Sol furrowed her eyebrows. It was rare that Byeol wasn’t on the couch, watching TV as she ate dinner prepared by their mother before she left for work.

“Byeol?” Sol called out again, setting down her briefcase and removing her black winter coat, now left in her beige suit.

“In here, Unnie,” Byeol’s voice came from the kitchen and Sol made her way in, wondering what the hell her sister was doing.

“Why aren’t you-” Sol started, walking into the threshold of her kitchen, but was cut off by the sight of Han Joon Hwi, standing in the middle of her kitchen, placing a steaming plate of food onto her kitchen table. The smell of the food made her mouth water, momentarily overriding the confusion she felt at his presence.

“Ah, you’re home. Sit down, Byeol is almost done with dinner,” Joon hwi told her nonchalantly. But she was still standing, mouth gaping at the man standing in her kitchen. He was still in his suit and tie, the grey suit set a staple of his in court. It was a set she was familiar with, seeing him use it frequently when he grilled a witness or addressed the jury. But what was shocking was her mother’s pink frilly apron that he now donned, the old apron cutting the intimidation and power that Joon hwi held in that suit.

“Joon hwi, what are you doing here?” she asked, finally able to make her body move forward, towards the kitchen table. She was still standing, staring at Joon Hwi before he sighed. He strode over to her, standing behind her as he placed both his hands on her shoulders, the warmth of his fingers searing into the base of her neck.

“Sit down and take the plate Sol-ah,” he muttered as he gently pushed her down into a seat. Byeol innocently stood up, declaring that she was finished with her food and as though this was a regular routine, Byeol made her way to the sink. Her growth spurt now made her tall enough to reach the sink without her stool, Byeol methodically washed her dishes and then made her way to the living room, avoiding Sol’s questioning gaze as much as possible.

Joon hwi had his back turned against Sol, facing the stove that held food, presumably still warm as she could see the waves of steam evaporating into the air. She was quiet as she sat, her fingers splayed on the table, and she was frozen as she just stared into his back, her eyes zeroing in on the knot he had tied to keep her mother’s apron stuck to the front.

“Here,” Joon hwi placed down a plate of warm food in front of her but he avoided her eyes as she roamed her gaze across his face. He was exhausted, that was clear

After a beat of silence, she finally gathered the courage to question his presence.

“Joon hwi, what are you doing here?” she asked, her face still held straight, trying to prevent herself from inhaling the food in front of her as hunger settled into her stomach. Her curiosity and confusion trumped any feelings of hunger or tiredness, as though she was electrified in his presence.

“Your mother called. She said she had to run to take another shift at work, and that you weren’t home yet, and asked if I could pop in and take care of Byeol until you got home,” he said nonchalantly, as though it was just a simple task. She blinked at him as his hands went around his back, in an attempt to untie the apron strings.

“So you just,” she paused, a breath catching in her throat, “You just dropped everything to be here?”

“Of course,” he answered her in the midst of getting himself out of the apron, “It’s not a big deal.” And then he shrugged as though this was a no-brainer. As though this isn’t something that made her love for him burst through the seems.

Kang Sol was frozen, her chest tight. For the first time, she could see so clearly how Han Joon hwi had always been there for her. No matter what the circumstance, he was there to hold out a helping hand, to offer a shoulder of comfort. But to be there for her family, at the drop of a hat. To take care of her and her family as though they were his own, was something else entirely.

The idea that Joon hwi, exhausted from his job at the prosecutor’s office would trek halfway across town to her home, to make her and her sister dinner at the drop of a hat. The idea that he viewed her and her family as a priority, so much so that he would be here at the drop of a hat. The idea that he would wear the old apron over his expensive suit, risking getting the smell of food and splashes of oil on it, just to be there for her.

It drove her over the edge, the idea that he was there for her no matter what. She could feel the adoration, the joy, the contentment, the bliss fill her up, from her lungs only to get caught in her throat, the emotions choking her until tears welled up in her eyes. It was too much, so much that it physically hurt her heart, her lungs, her body.

It was as though she finally saw him clearly, saw the blinding need within her to have him in her life indefinitely. For the first time, she could see the puzzle piece that she was missing. For the first time, she could see the rest of her life roll out in front of her, and she knew that she needed him by her side.

Kang Sol breathed in sharply trying to alleviate the emotions, but she knew what was going to spill out from her, finally understanding that it was inevitable. Loving Joon hwi was inevitable, and there was never a moment that she could stop herself from hoping that he loved her back.

“I love you,” she breathed out, and for the first time, it felt that simple.

Joon hwi froze. His hands had her mother’s apron balled in his hand, but his grip tightened as his wide eyes looked at her. He blinked again, before stuttering out “What?”

“I love you. I should have told you this years ago, Joon Hwi, but I love you.” Sol paused, trying to draw a breath, trying to express everything she had held inside her for years. “I used to think that this was too complicated. I was too scared, too weak. But I can’t hide it anymore from you. I love you, Joon hwi and I don’t want to live my life apart from you anymore. I need you in my life, I need you here. And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same but—”

“I love you too,” he blurted out. His hands reached across the table to clasp hers firmly, holding both of her hands tight in his. Sol’s voice felt raw, almost burning as she looked into his eyes. “I’ve loved you since our first year Sol-ah, but I never- I never dared to tell you. And god I tried, I tried so hard,” he shut his eyes once more, as though it hurt him.

Abruptly, she stood up from her seat, marching over to him in two short strides. Joon hwi turned to face her, one of his hands still braced against the table, before she brought her arms and clasped them around his neck, pulling him down to her level. And then she crashed her lips into him.

His lips were soft against hers, just like in her dreams. Without a moment's hesitation, his arms went around her waist, drawing her closer to his body. His lips moved against hers, and then every moment was filled with an inexplicable need to show him what she felt for him. His tongue ran against hers and it made her mind dizzy, her body igniting with desire.

Their kisses were frantic, filled with desire and passion for each other. She tried to express every bit of her emotions for him through her kisses, trying to convey just how much she needed him in her life. Her hands pulled him impossible close against her again, trying to merge their bodies together as much as possible.

His body felt delicious against her, the heat bleeding into her body as she moved her lips against him. His hands traced patterns up her back, trying to trace over every part of her he could reach. It was passionate and needy, as though he couldn’t get enough of her against him.

“As much as I am happy that you two are finally together, I’d love to not see you do that in this kitchen ever again,” Byeol’s sassy voice rang out, her hand on one hip as the other held a glass of water. Joon hwi and Sol broke apart quickly, his arms still encircled around her waist as her arms were clasped around his neck. Embarrassment filled the two as Byeol rolled her eyes at the two of them, before leaving the kitchen once more.

A silence stretched between the two, the just sounds of their breathing filling the kitchen, before they turned to look at each other. Joon hwi’s forehead bent down to meet hers as he closed his eyes, trying to enjoy her presence as much as he could.

“You should eat,” Joon hwi’s voice rang out, still breathless from the kiss. She could hear the vibration of his voice against him as she looked up at him, her eyes filled with adoration. Yet, neither of them was content to move away from each other, just enjoying being in each other’s embrace, trying to study every feature on each other’s face.

And in that moment, Sol knew, that she would never have to live without him at her side.

© all rights belong to sxfik. do not use header, dividers, icons, nor repost any of my writing in any manner. 

How to be Awareness (The guide to all you need to know)

First off, realize you are never not it. We are actually fully realized all the time. We are fully realized Beings saying that we are not. So all we do is let go of “we are not” and what's left over is the fully realized Being that we are.

Second, if you're able to understand it intellectually but not able to use it, it's because you're not looking at yourself honestly, truthfully, with deep desire to see your Self, in the process of which you have set up as the subconscious mind all the things you will not look at.

However, it's not necessary to dig up this unconscious mind, in fact it's much better to try to quiet the mind. When we're able to get the mind totally quiet, what's left over is the infinite Self. Every thought is a thing of limitation. Therefore when we quiet the mind, we still these limiting thoughts and this infinite Being that we are becomes self obvious to us. The Self is then not occluded by the limiting thoughts! We see It, we recognize that we never were that mind, that body, and from that moment on, the mind and body have no influence upon us. We determine for the body as we would a puppet and it has no effect upon us, as a puppet that we would be controlling would have no effect upon us.

If you want a "method", then the very best method of all methods is to quiet the mind to see the Being that you are. Pose the question: “Who am I?” and if other thoughts come in, ask, “To whom are these thoughts?” The answer is “To me.” “Well, who am I?” and you're back on the track, seeking to see your Self.

''Who am I?” is the final question that everyone answers, so why not begin with the final question?

There are two ways of growing: one is what I call the negative way, eliminating the negative, going into the mind, seeing the cause of the problem that originated in a thought some time in the past. When we see this thought, when we bring it up into consciousness, we naturally let go of it. We see how silly it is to hold onto it and therefore correct that thought and behavior.

However, the other way is better. It is the positive way. Quiet the mind and see who and what you really are, the infinite Self, pure Awareness. In the over all, there's really only two ways: eliminating the negative and the better, putting in the positive, “I am that I am,” “I am It.” The latter is by far the faster.

Let's now take a look at this so-called apparency, the world. The world is only an illusion that we created mentally. It is not external but in reality within us, within our mind. Someday you'll discover that you created this entire universe that you see. The method of creating is by first creating what we call a mind. We create our mind, which is nothing but a composite of all our thoughts, conscious and subconscious, and the thoughts create the material world. Every little thing that happens to each and everyone of us is created in our thinking. We mentally set up a thing called time which makes it even more difficult to see things because we think now and things happen years later. But the only creator there is, is the mind, your mind.

So now you discover that you created your trouble, then you discover that you can create anything you desire. After you discover that there is nothing that you cannot create, you're still unhappy. The reason is that you have separated yourself from the all that is.

You say you realize you are Awareness but you still "lack" things

If there are any problems that remain, they only remain because you are holding onto them in thought. The moment you let go of them, they are gone! If you tell me that isn't so for you, that isn't true. The truth is you're still holding onto them, telling me that it doesn't work. Now trying to get rid of a problem is holding onto it. Anything we try to get rid of we are holding in mind and thereby sustaining that problem. So the only way to correct a problem is to let go of it. See not the problem, see only what you want. If you would only from this moment on see what you want that is all that you would get. But you hold in mind the things you do not want. You struggle to eliminate the things you don't want, thereby sustaining them.

Now the very highest state is simply Beingness, and if we could only be, just be, we could see our Infinity. We would see that there are no limitations. We would see that we are the All. We would be in a perfectly satiated, permanent, changeless state. And it is not a nothingness, it is not a boredom, it is an Allness, an Everythingness, a Total Satiation that is eternal. You will never, never lose your individuality. The word “I” as you use it to mean your individuality will never ever leave you. It expands. What happens as you re-remember what you are is that you'll begin to see that others are you, that you are me, that you are now and always have been gloriously Infinite.

This subject cannot be learned intellectually, it cannot be learned through the mind because it's perceived just behind the mind. We can use the mind to gradually undo the limitations enough so that we can get behind the mind by getting it quieter. If it were possible to get this subject through the mind intellectually, all we would need to do is to read the books on it and we would have it. But it doesn't work that way. We have to very concentratedly dwell upon our Self that is just behind the mind. Turn the mind back upon the mind to discover what the mind is, and then go beyond the mind to the Self. So to get this subject, each one must experience it, realize it, make it real by going to the place just behind the mind and perceiving it there.

If you examine thoroughly the mind, you will discover that it isn't, it's an illusion. Let it go its way, just watch the mind. The ultimate witness is the Self. It's a tremendous thing to watch the mind. Not only does it quiet it, it makes the mind not you. If you trace the source of the mind, you find it is nothingness. This whole world is a dream illusion, which means that it isn't!

Unlimited joy is our natural, inherent state which we have, through ignorance, undone by imposing concepts of limitations. Anytime we have trouble, anytime we have a problem, we're being the limited ego. We’re trying to express the Self through the limited ego, and it's too small, we get squeezed and it hurts. If you'll just accept that you are not that, that what you are is God, Awareness -- and God is All, God is Perfect, that's all you'll ever meet with!

No matter what you say, no matter what law or concept you want to follow, only upon recognizing that what you are is Awareness are you perfectly satisfied.

I'm confused. If 3D is instantaneous once I have my desire in 4D, why doesn't it reflect instantly? Like, I see my desire in my 4d, PERFECTLY, I feel it, I touch it and everything, but I feel confused why this was supposed to be reflected ??

Genuine question, sorry if it sounds too dumb. I am a learner who is having difficulty putting into practice.

I don't talk of 3D/4D. I have one request of you, to ask real questions. However "delusional" you may think they sound.

It is not instantaneous because you identify with your body and not your pure being. No matter how much you use your mind/imagination, you are who you are regardless of the imagines playing in your head. I could think of a panda a million times, imagine what it's like being a panda a thousand more, that doesn't make me into a panda when I still know myself to be a person.

Do you doubt being a male/female? Do you even think on it? You do not, because you are.

I will reply through the manifesting perspective now, but please aim these asks toward law of assumption blogs, as they are just extra steps I don't teach anybody here to go through.

Look at what you're doing, really look, and you'll answer your own question. You sending this asks implies you do not think your 4D is true. You are following some routine you think you are supposed to in order to get something. As long as you try to get things, you're keeping them just out of your reach, because when you do that what you know yourself to be is a person manifesting, not a person who has it all. Every moment you behave as who you think you are. You do not know yourself to be someone who has the things, and it's unlikely that you will by trying to convince/persuade your ego of something while still identifying as it.

sorry if this is triggering but i saw you mention in an ask that you used to think of ending things because of how bad your mental health got when it came to LOA and ND. my question, as someone who is constantly thinking of doing this if i never end up seeing these ideologies work in my life, did you become better after just realizing that our identity is not the self but " " or did change in your physical help as well? i contemplate on me as " " a lot and it does truly feel peaceful in the moment but then i look at my physical and still get depressed again even though i know at the end of the day none of it is real. so i guess what im asking is did your physical life get better?

(Gonna not be cryptic or use any special words for this)

Heyy, don’t worry it’s not triggering, I genuinly know how you feel and having been through it allot I can tell you, when you look back, you’ll realize what a great idea it was that you didn’t follow through with it. There is purpose for you, the existence of you “being a person” is on purpose, and with meaning, aka your here because you are meant to be here and enjoy it.

To make a long story short, yes it does. But honestly, I never thought I’d be happy, or feel and kind of relief, sometimes I still feel that way but recognize that I’m just digging deeper into something that’s so hollow and ultimately doesn’t really mean anything. Yes I can spend my time worrying about the world but how would that really help me. I’d rather recognize the discomfort and sit in it knowing it can’t kill me, knowing that just like any other emotion, it just is, I know how difficult it feels to recognize it that way, but I think the only reason that it is, is because the over validation of the false self. There’s truly no person doing anything. All of the proof, evidence and validation is “ “ claiming it to be so. I’m drinking tea, this statement just is, there’s no true or false and no matter what the apparent physical world appears as because there is only “ “. That’s the “decider”. I could pick up a rock and claim to have won the lottery for 10k, who’s to say it isn’t true but the false self? All things just are, as all is what we are. Wholeness.

I recognize your feelings, validate them, but don’t dwell on them more than needed, we don’t experience the human experience just to have one emotion, one sensation, one way of life. I love you, please take care of yourself, much much love, it always gets better 🫶

Hey there!! I wanted to share an experience I had after reading your excerpt from The Ultimate Truth posted @4dbarbie-archive yesterday. It really resonated with me and it inspired me to want to practice conscious creation instead of letting it happen because of subconscious programming. In particular this part (which is most of the extract lol):

Man was never intended to be a victim of circumstances. He is the controller of them, but has lost awareness of this fact. When he regains his awareness of it, he again becomes the master of circumstances, and consciously controls his environment. Matter, energy, space, and time are in mind. When man realizes this, he has mental control over them and controls them at his will. Man is unconsciously determining the world. When he wakes up to this, he gains conscious control. Creation is just a mental projection.

Lester also said in the Introduction of the book that it is necessary to prove it to yourself and never accept anything completely on hearsay:

A unique characteristic of this Truth is that it must be seen my each one through his own perception. No one and no book can do it for him. Necessary is the proof of Truth, and necessary it is that each one must prove the Truth for himself. Nothing should ever be accepted on hearsay. One should listen to, reflect upon, and then prove. The best attitude one may take would be to not believe nor disbelieve, but to accept Truths for checking. Then, and only then, after one has proven them without a doubt should one accept them. As Truth begins to prove itself, one gains more confidence in it, and then proofs come more easily and more readily; until finally, one perceives the Absolute Truth, — that we are unlimited beings, unlimited in our knowledge, power and joy.

So I've understood non-duality to a certain extent starting my "journey" from when 4dbarbie was still around and it felt like I eventually came to a sort of standstill. I just sort of fell into a lull and didn't feel anything about life in general. I really resonated with the teachings, stopped desiring anything and had let go of a lot of things but still didn't really feel connected to Self entirely (it would come and go). Recently though, I thought about how my life is just a mental projection of subconscious thoughts and how I would rather be able to consciously control it. For background, I've been using energy manipulation to heal my body using my mind and I think that's when I started to truly know that everything is just a projection of the mind (there's a much deeper innate knowing that comes from experiencing it than reading something and accepting it as truth). Then I started thinking back on the things I had "manifested" simply by deciding it to be so. And then I saw your excerpt and it really clicked for me.

To me, consciously controlling your circumstances is a "skill" because we're so used to living in limitation, it can take some time and development in order to remove those illusions of limitation (of course, it needn't take time, it depends on the individual!). I know in some LOA blogs, they call it intention setting so it's within the same vein imo. Anyway, after reading that extract and reading some of the book, I decided I wanted to practice conscious creation and strengthen this innate ability in order to connect me closer to the understanding and knowing that I am an infinite limitless being. Lester said "Matter, energy, space, and time are in mind." so I want to test all these although less so energy manipulation as I have already done this in numerous ways already. To me this was easier than the others but I now recognize that is a concept of limitation that doesn't need to be so as they are all equally mental projections. And I am not doing this to "get" any desires since I don't have any anymore, I am only doing it to remember the real me and exercise my innate natural ability of conscious creation and also "prove" it to myself through experience that I am limitless as Lester teaches.

I will give one example of "success" since I started last night! There's too much background history that I won't go over but basically this friend of mine stopped messaging me a few weeks ago and this had been a repeating cycle for a few years and it used to trigger me so much. Through being on this path, I let go of caring about it or wanting things to be different. But last night I decided to use this case scenario as a test subject for practicing conscious creation because I know I used to have a lot of mental resistance and triggers when it came to this person and if I really did succeed, it would truly be proof to me that this was purely a result of my conscious creation and not anything else.

So I decided in my mind that this friend would message me on instagram, I decided I didn't care if it was a text message or sharing a reel (though he normally sent reels so that would be most likely). I could still feel uncertainty over this after deciding so I decided it would happen the next day (today) in order for the test results to be more verifiable as not having a deadline could mean he could message me next year lol, too vague. I briefly saw it in my mind's eye the message but didn't dwell on it after, I just decided it would happen. Aaaanyway, I opened my IG messages earlier and GUESS WHO MESSAGED ME WITH A REEL!! I just laughed and got so excited, not because of receiving the message itself (since I let go of desiring anything from him long ago) but because of the proof it represented of my conscious creation! I want to emphasize this distinction because I had tried to "manifest" a text from him in the same way so many times before (because it's been a repeating cycle for so long lol) but it also came from a desire and attachment for the message itself (and connection with the person), while this time there was none of that but was from a non-attached perspective of just experimenting and testing my ability and wanting to practice and improve it. I want to add that I also had previously used LOA to "reality shift" to a "different reality" where he had messaged me the same day instead of leaving me on read for several weeks through "imagination" (this was way before I learned about non-duality so it was still driven by attachment and desire) but I gotta say this way of simply deciding it to be so is so much easier, simpler and better than having to "live and persist in imagination" lol but to each their own I guess?

So anyway, this is really exciting for me and I am going to continue on this way for fun!

🥳

Thank you for sharing your experience, that's awesome and I'm happy for you! 💖 Keep having fun and feel free to keep us updated on your future experiments!

This is the post anon was talking about. I highly recommend Lester's books for those who haven't read them yet (or have but want a refresher).

Edit: Adding this excerpt from The Ultimate Truth with my highlights

If everything is meaningless and this is a dream, why are you still continuing living then? Why don’t we all crawl up in a hole and die since everything is an “illusion”

You're misunderstanding what's being said. This isn't about a real person living in a fake world — it's not "me the real person" vs. "the illusion out there." That’s not it at all. That entire split is already a misperception.

You are not the one experiencing the illusion. You are the Knowing itself — not-knowing conceptually, but the raw, direct Seeing. That’s the only thing not appearing and disappearing. It's not something to believe in or debate. It’s to be noticed, directly.

Neither “you,” nor “me,” nor the world — not any idea, label, or form — is the Actuality being pointed to. When I say You are Actuality, I’m not speaking about a body, a person, or any mental concept. I’m referring to the constant, silent, untouched Beingness — the Is-ness that exists before and without name, image, or thought. That’s what’s always here, never born, never leaving. That has always been here — before any idea of “me” or “you” ever arose.

Also: people seriously misinterpret the words illusory and meaningless — assuming they imply something negative, depressing, or empty in a hopeless way. That’s just not it. That’s not what these words mean in this context.

When something is called illusory, it means it’s not solid, not permanent — like a dream, or a mirage. It appears, but it has no independent, lasting existence and relies on "Awareness/Knowing" to be perceived. That doesn’t mean it’s “bad” or that it shouldn’t appear. It’s just seen for what it is — a fleeting expression of something that doesn’t need form to be.

And when we say meaningless, it doesn’t mean sad or pointless. It means: it has no fixed, pre-given meaning unless one is assigned. Like pure open space — no labels, no judgment, no category, no good/bad, right/wrong. It just is, undefined. That freedom is what most people miss — because they think “meaningless” equals despair. But that only comes from assuming the person is real and now floating in some empty shell. But that “person” is part of the illusion too.

This isn’t about crawling in a hole because “life is meaningless.” That reaction comes from misidentifying with the one who experiences the illusion. But that “experiencer” is a mirage. The only constant is the silent Knowing — not a knower, not a thinker, but Knowing itself, unshaped, untouched. Noticing that is what ends the confusion. Nothing needs to be changed, added, or removed. Just seen.

When you sleep at night, you think the world you're dreaming of is real. You wake up in the morning and you go on living in a different world, which you also think it's real. But while you were in the first dream you had no memory of this world, did you? The life that you were living in the present moment was all it was, and it was real to you then. You come into the waking state and forget all about that dream (because you dismiss it as unreal & imagined so you have no reason to care once the experience is over), you're present in a second dream, and you deal with this one because now that's "what is real". But there is no difference between sleeping and waking, awareness is the background of both.

You just think the waking state more real because you've dreamt it over and over and reinforced your belief. They're equally imaginary. Become aware of this and life will forever be a breeze 🍃

“I have a million things to talk to you about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning.”

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

hey ada i need advice, i want to create me waking up to my ideal life ive been through the law of assumption and everything like that and am learning how to drop that there is something to get but whenever i would wake up and still see something undesirable i would attempt to change my consciousness and remind myself i am that of which i want to be but its only a temporary relief, i know i control/decide everything by being aware, do you have any tips for paying the the things you dont want any mind?

I don't like repetition, it keeps you in lack. Do you need to remind yourself that you are a man or a woman?

My tip is to realize your self, have enough courage to face Vanessa's fears. See how unnecessary is to pay them any mind at all.

After you realize yourself any bold assertion does it. There's no time delay.

There was one person which got mad I blocked them because they corrected me in the comments when I said that unbotherdness comes first and said there was no reason for the scale of emotions I shared. I won't stand for any spreading of misinformation on this page. It's impossible for indifference not to come when you see you aren't that. When you see the desires and fears aren't yours. This is not an opinion, this is what happens when you do it. You get uninterested naturally.

Act like this, and from this. That's my only tip. Let go of thinking you are this little helpless thing already.