I Realized That I Am " " And Nothing Really Exists ,this Reality Is A Dream, So After Realizing This

If everything is meaningless and this is a dream, why are you still continuing living then? Why don’t we all crawl up in a hole and die since everything is an “illusion”

You're misunderstanding what's being said. This isn't about a real person living in a fake world — it's not "me the real person" vs. "the illusion out there." That’s not it at all. That entire split is already a misperception.

You are not the one experiencing the illusion. You are the Knowing itself — not-knowing conceptually, but the raw, direct Seeing. That’s the only thing not appearing and disappearing. It's not something to believe in or debate. It’s to be noticed, directly.

Neither “you,” nor “me,” nor the world — not any idea, label, or form — is the Actuality being pointed to. When I say You are Actuality, I’m not speaking about a body, a person, or any mental concept. I’m referring to the constant, silent, untouched Beingness — the Is-ness that exists before and without name, image, or thought. That’s what’s always here, never born, never leaving. That has always been here — before any idea of “me” or “you” ever arose.

Also: people seriously misinterpret the words illusory and meaningless — assuming they imply something negative, depressing, or empty in a hopeless way. That’s just not it. That’s not what these words mean in this context.

When something is called illusory, it means it’s not solid, not permanent — like a dream, or a mirage. It appears, but it has no independent, lasting existence and relies on "Awareness/Knowing" to be perceived. That doesn’t mean it’s “bad” or that it shouldn’t appear. It’s just seen for what it is — a fleeting expression of something that doesn’t need form to be.

And when we say meaningless, it doesn’t mean sad or pointless. It means: it has no fixed, pre-given meaning unless one is assigned. Like pure open space — no labels, no judgment, no category, no good/bad, right/wrong. It just is, undefined. That freedom is what most people miss — because they think “meaningless” equals despair. But that only comes from assuming the person is real and now floating in some empty shell. But that “person” is part of the illusion too.

This isn’t about crawling in a hole because “life is meaningless.” That reaction comes from misidentifying with the one who experiences the illusion. But that “experiencer” is a mirage. The only constant is the silent Knowing — not a knower, not a thinker, but Knowing itself, unshaped, untouched. Noticing that is what ends the confusion. Nothing needs to be changed, added, or removed. Just seen.

''if you are already in barbados, why would you be talking about going to barbados?''

-abdullah to neville goddard (from god's law and his promise).

golden (like daylight)

read on ao3 • main masterlist • law school masterlist

summary: three times han joon hwi tried to confess to kang sol, and the one time kang sol confessed to him.

word count: 6.8k words

a/n: after almost a year, ao3 user colorfuldreams finally had two braincells knock into each other and finally make an idea! jokes aside, i’m so happy to be writing for solhwi again. writing them felt so familiar that this fic just flowed freely from the heart. i forgot how easy it was to write for them. i literally wrote this in the span of 4 hours, literally one sitting and my god i missed writing for this couple so much. this is dedicated to everyone on twitter who encouraged me to keep going, to everyone who loved law school! i hope this kick continues and i can write more and more for them!

HAN JOON HWI wasn’t a masochist. Really, he liked to live a painless life as possible, but after losing his family, losing his uncle, being accused of murder, and the whole plethora of events during his 1L, he hasn’t been awarded the opportunity to live a peaceful life. But just when he thought he could live a painless life, at last, the realization that he was in love with Kang Sol A, punched him in the face.

The punch was painful, the fear of everything he was risking swirling around his mind. Kang Sol was everything to him: his best friend, his confidant. She’s the one that risked herself for him when no one else would. She’s the one that believed in him when no one else did.

It was a dangerous thing, to be so in love with someone that ripped his whole world off its axis to revolve around her. Each passing day, each study session, each moment shared between them was another granule of sand dripping through the hourglass, building up the fear of rejection, vulnerability, and commitment. Every fear of his that he had buried down was unearthed each time he considered confessing to her.

But the realization was also blissful. Blinding. Soothing. For every inch of fear she brought to him, she brought triple times the joy. Each time he looked at her, talked with her, spent time with her, happiness would burst within him, the feeling bleeding into every corner of his body. It would start at his lungs, wrapping itself around his heart before moving up to his throat, then down his shoulders to his arms, to the very tips of his fingers.

The first couple of times he felt it, the feeling was electrifying, making his fingers fidget in want to pull her close, to tell her how he felt. But the more he felt, the more he came to be at peace with it, the sharp excitement morphing into contentment each time. Being in love with Kang Sol A was just that: pain and fear swirling into bliss and contentment.

Joon hwi shut the book sitting in front of him, the slam of the pages causing the students around him to shoot him a dirty look. He paid them no attention, considering the only student that mattered to him barely lifted her head from where it was buried in her textbook.

It was dead week at Hanguk Law school, meaning every student on campus was crammed into any room they could find, pouring over their texts to sear every comma and word into their minds. Students walked around campus like zombies, one hand clutching coffee and a textbook in the other flipped open to whatever page they needed to memorize. Joon hwi, unlike his last year, was no exception. He was a genius, yes, but even he needed to study for the grueling exams of 2L.

So of course, he wound up studying next to Sol, her in the signature grey sweaters and sweatpants, with her hair haphazardly tied into a bun. He watched as she tracked her eyes across her readings, pausing to jot down some notes before continuing on studying. She was diligent in her studies, trying to absorb as much as she could so she wasn’t so behind in her classes. Luckily for his worrying heart, Sol wasn’t nearly as unhealthy as the last year, her self-abusive study habits fading away slowly after she realized that she couldn’t afford to burn out.

Still, he was always worried that she would slip back into them, especially after the crushing midterm grade in her Corporations and Evidence class. For the past few weeks, he had his eye on her, making sure to drop off food, leave her some of his precious ramen and encourage her to take breaks. Joon hwi knew better to argue against Sol at this point, familiar with the stubbornness that coursed through her so all he did was just be there for her.

Gently, Joon hwi placed a hand on her shoulder, trying not to startle her too much. Sol jerked at his touch, but the hazy look in her eyes vanished as she looked up at him questioningly.

“Let’s take a break,” he whispered to her, trying his best to ignore the glare of every student at the sound of his voice. Sol opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off by grabbing her hand.

He shot her his best ‘puppy’ eyes, trying to convince her to do what he wanted, until the tired girl gave in, getting up and out of her seat. He got out of his own seat, stretching before he followed behind her, leaving the stuff on the library table, trusting that Ye-Seul and the rest of the study group would keep watch of it.

The two of them walked in comfortable silence until they reached the doors of the school and stepped into the warm summer air. Sol stretched slightly, letting out a small sound of contentment as they marched side by side, enjoying a break from constantly studying. Joon hwi had his hands stuffed into his pockets, enjoying the feel of having her at his side, trying to soak in her presence as much as possible.

“How do you think we would be as lawyers?” she asked him, her voice breaking the silence.

“Why are you thinking about that?” he questioned, kicking a small pebble out of the way as they continued their lap around the campus.

“I don’t know. I’m just curious I guess, about how we would be after law school,” she answered simply.

“Hm. Well, I don’t think much would change. Obviously, we’d be in different fields and we’ll have longer hours and more work. But I’m sure we’d always be here for each other,” he answered, before noticing the slight furrow in her eyebrows. “Why? Were you excited to leave me behind Sol-ah?” he teased lightly.

Sol let out a sharp laugh, twisting to face him. “Han Joon hwi, if you think I’m letting go of you that easily, you’re dead wrong.” She moved to bump her hip into his, pushing him slightly.

“Trust me, I have no intention of letting you fade out of my life,” he replied, letting out a huff of laughter in response. As if I’d ever let you go.

Sol paused in her tracks slightly, and Joon hwi had to turn around to face her. And they stood, facing each other like that for a few moments, the summer air wrapping around them as they studied each other.

“Thank you, Joon hwi. I know you’ve been trying to make sure I won’t slip into my bad habits again,” she said, biting her lip slightly as she looked up at him.

Joon hwi opened his mouth to deny it but she beat him to the chase. “You don’t have to admit it, but know that I’ll make sure I pay back the debt!” Before he could formulate a reply, she started walking forward once more, leaving him only a couple steps behind.

“You owe no debt, Sol-ah,” his voice rang out as he smiled softly at her retreating figure. And all of a sudden, everything in him wanted to scream out to her how much he liked her. How grateful he was for her. How he’d always be here for her. How much he loved her.

But it was a moment too late, as he ran forward to catch up with her, as their conversation twisted towards the upcoming exams.

And yet, in that moment, Joon hwi could see the rest of his life roll out with her, whether their relationship was platonic or more.

The cold air whipped around him, soothing his burning muscles as he pushed himself into another lap around the field. It was pitch dark outside, save for the bright lights that lined the Hanguk field, the autumn wind bring a chill into the air. And in the center of it all, was Han Joon hwi, clad in just some shorts and a workout shirt, panting from the burn in his lungs.

It was almost 2 years since Joon hwi lost his uncle, and almost like it was tradition, he was outside, trying to push his body into exhaustion. The ache and reveal of who his uncle was, how he had gone against the sacred law that Joon hwi trusted so much, came back into full force around this time.

Despite having almost two years to move on from the betrayal, the admiration and the love Joon hwi had held for him, the ache still resided within his bones, awakening every single year. It was a pain that he couldn’t express, the emotions so complex and big that he couldn’t begin to untangle them in his mind. Every single memory of his uncle had resided, replaying in his mind over and over again.

His uncle lifted the younger Joon hwi onto his shoulders, running around the house in an attempt to make him laugh. His uncle comforted the teenage Joon hwi as he failed his first exam, trying to understand how he felt. His uncle took him to his office for the first time, announcing how proud he was of his nephew to his coworkers. Arguing with his uncle over the mistake Joon hwi had uncovered, gritting his teeth and trying to believe that his uncle was still a good man. Rejecting a conversation with him as they both stood in front of Hanguk Law school, ignoring the desperation on his uncle’s face. Discovering his uncle’s dead body in the Professor’s room, the shock and confusion threaded through his mind.

Each memory was clear as day in his mind, no matter how much he wanted to ignore the idea that his uncle was ever a part of his life, after understanding the bribes his uncle had taken. But then, he remembered who taught him to respect the law so much. The one that had debated every law code with him, helped him remember important cases as a high schooler when Joon hwi would ask questions. His uncle’s legacy for him was a confusing, tangled mess that hurt to touch or untangle.

So Joon hwi gritted his teeth and ran, ignoring the pain in his muscles, the sharp burn as he tried to breathe the cold air into his lungs. He shut down his mind as he pushed forward one more lap, closing his eyes and trying to distract himself from the sadness trapped within him.

He lost track of time, the sweat dripping down his body as he ran for what felt like an eternity. In a push to get out on more lap, his legs gave out, his knees hitting the turf hard the exhaustion caught up to the adrenaline. The momentary pause though gave the chance for his emotions to override him, his eyes welling up with tears as he breathed heavily, his knees burning from the impact.

Then, as he blinked away his tears once more, trying and failing to get up, Kang Sol appeared in front of him, thrusting out a bottle of water and looking down at him with such emotion, that he wanted to shy away from her gaze.

He grabbed the bottle from her hands wordlessly, as she kneeled in front of him. Her hair was askew from the wind, whipping it around. Sol was still in her plain brown sweater and sweatpants, her classic attire for school as she sat in front of him, her eyes roaming over his face.

“What,” he started, trying to catch his breath as he took another gulp of water, “What are you doing here?”

“I saw you in front of his memorial today,” she started, and he looked away, knowing exactly what she was talking about. “So, I figured you’d be here tonight,” she said simply, as though it was obvious to figure out.

“Yes, but why?” he asked, trying to press her for an answer. Sol simply pursed her lips as she looked at him, and he could see a million thoughts running through her eyes. Each emotion flitted through her face, clear as day for him to read. Still, he waited patiently for her to answer, yearning for a simple answer, a simple confirmation.

“I told you, remember? I’m rooting for you in your uncle’s place,” she said, as she looked down at her hands, tangled in the grass of the turf field. “And it means that I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”

All of a sudden, every emotion he had stuffed into a corner of his mind welled up inside him as he looked at her figure, kneeling down in front of him at almost 3 in the morning. The tears welled up in his eyes blurring out her figure and he gritted his teeth once more, as his emotions meshed into each other.

It was too much, the knowledge that she just knew where to find him, that she just knew how he felt. The idea that he was such an open book to her was so terrifying, yet it felt so gratifying to be seen. To know that someone was looking out for him, someone to protect him against everything going against him. And the idea that it all came from Sol, who had a million other things to worry about in her life, just made it all the more painful.

All he could do was sit there, still breathing heavily as he looked at the girl in front of him, still awake in the middle of the night just to check in on him, as she tangled her hands into the grass and fidgetted as if she had revealed too much of herself to him.

He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t express any of the emotion he felt, the words lodged in his throat as he looked into her knowing eyes, so he settled to grabbing her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

She landed against him in an oomph, surprised at his sudden movement as her shoulders stiffened in his arms. But Joon hwi made no move to let go, trying to soak up the feeling of holding her in his arms as much as possible before the moment dashed away. Slowly, she relaxed in his arms, her hands encircling his body to hug him tighter against her.

She was warm against him, her frame lithe against his as she fit right into his body as if she was designed to reside there. He breathed in her scent, letting the intoxicating smell wrap around him until his mind was only focused on her. Sol was warm against him, almost protecting him from the autumn chill, and it was bliss. Her hands clutched his shirt, trying to pull him a little closer, as though she couldn’t get enough and it only drove him insane.

And there they both sat, holding each other in their arms, desperately trying to cling onto this moment before it passed. He ignored every bit of his surroundings, just trying to soak in the moment until it was etched into his bones. Joon hwi would have sat there for hours, if not for the exhaustion and sleep creeping into his mind, his body almost slack in comfort against her.

As if she read his mind, Sol drew away, pausing for a moment to look at him, her thumb tracing along his jaw. He shivered against the feel and hoped Sol mistook it for the chilling weather and not because of her touch. She got up from the turf, dusting off the dirt as he sat and looked up at her, just watching her as she moved.

She juts out a hand, and he clasped it, as she pulled him up. He almost knocked against her, her body pushing back slightly against the impact, but soon they were standing in the field. Silently, they walked back to their dorms side by side, and Joon hwi spent every moment trying to soak up her presence, use her to comfort, and soothe his pain.

And in that moment, Joon hwi knew, that he could always rely on her, the same way she did on him.

It was almost 6 PM when Attorney Kang Sol A stormed into his office. It’s been a year since both of them graduated from Hanguk Law School, clinging to each other and the study group to get them through their finals. After graduation Sol took a job with Attorney Park, trying to work her way up to making associate while he took a position at the prosecutor’s office.

It was always Joon hwi’s dream to wear the mahogany robes, and it was as though his mind was always built for this job. But it didn’t make it any easier. The job was demanding, the hours long and the work-intensive as he had to pour over stacks and stacks of case files each day. It made the reading in law school look like a chapter book, with the amount of reading and writing he had to do to pick apart each case that was handed to him.

It often meant that he was seen leaving the office at odd hours, stumbling into his apartment only to collapse into his bed soon after. It meant that he had to skip lunch to meet a deadline, to make sure a case was thoroughly reviewed. It meant that he worked himself to the bone, to make sure that he can fight the corruption within Korea’s law systems.

It wasn’t much different for Sol either. The exhaustion from her work though was evident on her face, her tired eyes, and the slight droop in her shoulders a dead giveaway. While she hadn’t regressed to her unhealthy study patterns from their 1L days, it was clear that the job weighed heavily on her. Each day she was faced with an impossible case, trying to keep her morals in a world that rewarded you if you had none.

Unlike Joon hwi, who was equipped with so many resources at hand at the prosecutor’s office, she had none of the advantages. Sol had to gather her evidence on her own, often making trips and meetings to meet with victims and families and the scenes of the crime. She spent hours pouring over CCTV footage to scrounge up evidence, scouring through law codes to find the perfect one to use as a defense.

It was grueling work, demanding so much of her time and energy. Yet, Sol hadn’t changed a bit, her optimism and drive overriding any obstacle she faced. She had grown to hold her own, a lot more confident in her abilities than she had been when they met.

The amount of time he had with her had lessened as they both got jobs, unfortunately, distant from each other. Still, he was grateful that she was still in the city, and that she could spare some weekends to come and visit. She’d spend days lounging with him, making dinner or lunch, and watching some TV show as they talked about their weeks together.

It was blissful, contentment in sharing his life with hers, even if it would only be platonic. Even if it meant he couldn’t have her, he couldn’t kiss her or hold her in the way he really wanted to.

Joon hwi looked up at the woman that just stormed into his office, Sol’s hand clutched against her briefcase as he sat buried under the stacks of files on his desks. She sat down in the chair next to him, and he swiveled in his chair to face her, rolling it until his knees touched hers.

Her hair, now longer with bangs, was messy, as though she had been messing with it all day. Her usually immaculate suit was askew, her blouse crumpled slightly. And worst of all, he could see the redness in her nose and cheeks, the unshed tears building up in her eyes as she sat in front of him, which made his heart clench.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this, Joon hwi,” she blurted out suddenly as she broke into a sob. Joon hwi blinked, taken aback by the crying woman who now sat in front of him, before the sharp pain of watching her cry flooded through him once more.

“What happened?” he asked, trying to hold back the urge to gather her into his arms and soothe her until she stops crying.

“I,” she started, her tears choking her words, “I lost the case. I lost the child abuse case,” and Sol cried harder, the words echoing around his office once more.

Joon hwi swallowed, his hands reaching out to clasp hers. He remembered this case from a couple weeks back, when he popped by Sol’s office. Her head was firmly buried under the case files, her hair pinned up with a pencil holding it all in place. It was a really important case to her, especially after her family’s past. Sol had talked to him for hours about it, how serious the abuse was and how if she lost, the mother would lose custody.

“You can’t blame yourself, Sol-ah,” he soothed, rubbing circles into the backs of her hands as she tried to calm herself, her breath coming out in small pants. Joon hwi’s heart broke as he watched her place the blame on herself, but knowing there was nothing he could do to fix it for her.

“No, because it’s my fault, I should have tried harder,” her voice was shaky, the tears still falling freely from her eyes, as she gritted her teeth.

Joon hwi moved his hands from hers to cup her face, slowly wiping away the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Then he pulled her into his arms once more, trying to shield her from everything as much as he could. Sol could only sob harder then, and Joon hwi could feel her tears soaking into his shirt, but he paid it no mind.

The affection was a pitiful attempt at comfort, knowing that there wasn’t anything Joon hwi could do for her other than to just be here. Sol was always a deep feeler, and her empathy toward her clients was what made her an amazing lawyer. She took chances on people, and she always put everything into a case, especially when she recognized any hint of injustice.

But it was also the reason why she held such pain for every lost case of hers, every case where she failed to deliver a favorable ruling. She had an impeccable memory for each other, playing through the details of every case she lost to make sure she never loses another. But every once in a while, a case like this will come across her desk and it will unearth all her failures.

No matter how much Joon hwi tried to argue that it wasn’t her fault, Sol would have none of it. She was firm in her belief that it was her fault, and no one else's, and that if she tried harder she would have won. It was a stubbornness that she held so close that convinced her that she was at fault. And truly, there was nothing he could argue against because he knows that it’s the same way he feels when he loses a case.

So he held her tight against him, her body shaking with sobs as he allowed her to feel every emotion and process everything she was going through. He tried to make her as safe in his embrace as possible, allowing her to just let go of everything she held within herself. They resided there again, with her head against his chest until Kang Sol drew away from him slowly.

“Thank you,” she choked out, her voice hoarse from the crying. Her face was puffy and red, her eyelashes clumped from the crying and his heart only broke more, watching her go through so much pain.

I love you. I love you so much Sol-ah and it breaks me every time I see you cry.

“I’ll always be here for you,” he breathed out, settling to say just this rather than the three words he yearned, ached to tell her. It was still lodged in his throat, trying to escape but the fear of her reaction and the idea of her seeing just how much it broke him to see her like this terrified him to no end.

So Joon hwi simply looked at her, trying to memorize every part of her face, every inch of her skin. And in that moment, Joon hwi knew, that he would be content for the rest of his life if he could just be there for her.

KANG SOL A was exhausted. It was her third year of being a lawyer, finally making associate at Park & co. You would think, after bringing down a congressman and solving a murder in her 1L, and taking on cases all throughout law school and beyond would make her equipped to deal with the stresses of her job now.

And if she was being truthful to herself, in some ways things were easier. She made more money now, not having to worry quite as much about her family as she used to. She supposed it was also the fact that Kang Dan was sending in support from where she was doing her doctoral work at Harvard, the missing sister finally bringing her family together. She had more freedom with the cases she chose, not having to defend scum or take cases with basically no evidence. Her friends were still thick as thieves, even though everyone was spread across the city, with their hours conflicting with each other. They held regular dinners, trying to bring back some of the camaraderies they had when they were cooped up on campus together.

Overall, it looked like she was holding it together, especially compared to her erratic life during 1L. Still, she couldn’t help but feel like she was scrambling for answers.

Maybe it was because everyone, while still friends, had moved on in some way or another. Kang Sol B and Ji Ho were set to be married, the invitations popping up in the mail out of nowhere. She supposed she should have seen it coming. The two of them understood each other in ways none of the others could. Jiho and Sol B were cut from the same cloth, so it made sense that they were able to comfort and be there for each other more than anyone else could.

Ye Seul and Bogki were starting anew, both of them just starting a relationship together. Bokgi had waited for her, to take time for herself, to find who she was before she attempted a relationship. They were taking it slow, but they cared for each other so gently and adoringly that it was clear that they would spend the rest of eternity together.

But Kang Sol was still stuck where she was 4 years ago, in love with her best friend and unable to do anything about it. She was stuck where she was, unable to make a move in fear of messing up the carefully stitched friendship she held with Han Joon Hwi.

There was never an epic love story between them. No grand gestures nor movie-like moments. It was gradually built, the two of them being there for each other when they needed it most. It was to the point where Sol could scarcely tell when she fell in love with him. It was as though her love was always residing within her, the pieces hidden deep within her heart until they all stitched together to make something that took over her whole body.

It was scary, being so in love with someone so much that she couldn’t imagine her life without them. It wrapped around any flutter or contentment she felt from being in his presence, the idea that she was so open and vulnerable to him. The idea that she had placed her heart in his hands unknowingly, and he wasn’t even aware that he could shatter it into pieces in an instant.

She supposed this was just a part of her nature. Sol was, unfortunately, an optimist. She saw the best in people, even if she was burned by trying to unearth the good in people multiple times. She used to resent that part of her, the piece of her that would rush into things even though she knew she would get hurt. But after seeing so much corruption and hatred and injustice, she realized that seeing the good in someone, and having hope for the future was a choice she had to make if she wanted to survive.

And even if she could express it, everything she felt for him, held back from him, it felt too confusing and complicated to ever express. It was too much to even put into words. Still, even with the carefully held hope that Joon hwi felt the same, she attempted to prevent herself from rushing in. She built a carefully, albeit weak, wall around her complex feelings for him, trying to keep it stuffed into a corner of her heart. Being hurt by her cases, by life, she could take. But she couldn’t afford it from Joon hwi.

She ran a hand through her hair, the other clutched at her briefcase before entering her mother’s house. Sol still lived with her, trying to minimize her financial burden as much as possible since she took care of Byeol after work when her mother was pulled in for a late-night shift. She opened the front door, the exhaustion of the day coursing through her once more as she took off her shoes to slip on her house slippers.

“Byeol-ah, I’m home,” she announced as she peered into the living room, only to be left confused when she was meant with an empty couch. Sol furrowed her eyebrows. It was rare that Byeol wasn’t on the couch, watching TV as she ate dinner prepared by their mother before she left for work.

“Byeol?” Sol called out again, setting down her briefcase and removing her black winter coat, now left in her beige suit.

“In here, Unnie,” Byeol’s voice came from the kitchen and Sol made her way in, wondering what the hell her sister was doing.

“Why aren’t you-” Sol started, walking into the threshold of her kitchen, but was cut off by the sight of Han Joon Hwi, standing in the middle of her kitchen, placing a steaming plate of food onto her kitchen table. The smell of the food made her mouth water, momentarily overriding the confusion she felt at his presence.

“Ah, you’re home. Sit down, Byeol is almost done with dinner,” Joon hwi told her nonchalantly. But she was still standing, mouth gaping at the man standing in her kitchen. He was still in his suit and tie, the grey suit set a staple of his in court. It was a set she was familiar with, seeing him use it frequently when he grilled a witness or addressed the jury. But what was shocking was her mother’s pink frilly apron that he now donned, the old apron cutting the intimidation and power that Joon hwi held in that suit.

“Joon hwi, what are you doing here?” she asked, finally able to make her body move forward, towards the kitchen table. She was still standing, staring at Joon Hwi before he sighed. He strode over to her, standing behind her as he placed both his hands on her shoulders, the warmth of his fingers searing into the base of her neck.

“Sit down and take the plate Sol-ah,” he muttered as he gently pushed her down into a seat. Byeol innocently stood up, declaring that she was finished with her food and as though this was a regular routine, Byeol made her way to the sink. Her growth spurt now made her tall enough to reach the sink without her stool, Byeol methodically washed her dishes and then made her way to the living room, avoiding Sol’s questioning gaze as much as possible.

Joon hwi had his back turned against Sol, facing the stove that held food, presumably still warm as she could see the waves of steam evaporating into the air. She was quiet as she sat, her fingers splayed on the table, and she was frozen as she just stared into his back, her eyes zeroing in on the knot he had tied to keep her mother’s apron stuck to the front.

“Here,” Joon hwi placed down a plate of warm food in front of her but he avoided her eyes as she roamed her gaze across his face. He was exhausted, that was clear

After a beat of silence, she finally gathered the courage to question his presence.

“Joon hwi, what are you doing here?” she asked, her face still held straight, trying to prevent herself from inhaling the food in front of her as hunger settled into her stomach. Her curiosity and confusion trumped any feelings of hunger or tiredness, as though she was electrified in his presence.

“Your mother called. She said she had to run to take another shift at work, and that you weren’t home yet, and asked if I could pop in and take care of Byeol until you got home,” he said nonchalantly, as though it was just a simple task. She blinked at him as his hands went around his back, in an attempt to untie the apron strings.

“So you just,” she paused, a breath catching in her throat, “You just dropped everything to be here?”

“Of course,” he answered her in the midst of getting himself out of the apron, “It’s not a big deal.” And then he shrugged as though this was a no-brainer. As though this isn’t something that made her love for him burst through the seems.

Kang Sol was frozen, her chest tight. For the first time, she could see so clearly how Han Joon hwi had always been there for her. No matter what the circumstance, he was there to hold out a helping hand, to offer a shoulder of comfort. But to be there for her family, at the drop of a hat. To take care of her and her family as though they were his own, was something else entirely.

The idea that Joon hwi, exhausted from his job at the prosecutor’s office would trek halfway across town to her home, to make her and her sister dinner at the drop of a hat. The idea that he viewed her and her family as a priority, so much so that he would be here at the drop of a hat. The idea that he would wear the old apron over his expensive suit, risking getting the smell of food and splashes of oil on it, just to be there for her.

It drove her over the edge, the idea that he was there for her no matter what. She could feel the adoration, the joy, the contentment, the bliss fill her up, from her lungs only to get caught in her throat, the emotions choking her until tears welled up in her eyes. It was too much, so much that it physically hurt her heart, her lungs, her body.

It was as though she finally saw him clearly, saw the blinding need within her to have him in her life indefinitely. For the first time, she could see the puzzle piece that she was missing. For the first time, she could see the rest of her life roll out in front of her, and she knew that she needed him by her side.

Kang Sol breathed in sharply trying to alleviate the emotions, but she knew what was going to spill out from her, finally understanding that it was inevitable. Loving Joon hwi was inevitable, and there was never a moment that she could stop herself from hoping that he loved her back.

“I love you,” she breathed out, and for the first time, it felt that simple.

Joon hwi froze. His hands had her mother’s apron balled in his hand, but his grip tightened as his wide eyes looked at her. He blinked again, before stuttering out “What?”

“I love you. I should have told you this years ago, Joon Hwi, but I love you.” Sol paused, trying to draw a breath, trying to express everything she had held inside her for years. “I used to think that this was too complicated. I was too scared, too weak. But I can’t hide it anymore from you. I love you, Joon hwi and I don’t want to live my life apart from you anymore. I need you in my life, I need you here. And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same but—”

“I love you too,” he blurted out. His hands reached across the table to clasp hers firmly, holding both of her hands tight in his. Sol’s voice felt raw, almost burning as she looked into his eyes. “I’ve loved you since our first year Sol-ah, but I never- I never dared to tell you. And god I tried, I tried so hard,” he shut his eyes once more, as though it hurt him.

Abruptly, she stood up from her seat, marching over to him in two short strides. Joon hwi turned to face her, one of his hands still braced against the table, before she brought her arms and clasped them around his neck, pulling him down to her level. And then she crashed her lips into him.

His lips were soft against hers, just like in her dreams. Without a moment's hesitation, his arms went around her waist, drawing her closer to his body. His lips moved against hers, and then every moment was filled with an inexplicable need to show him what she felt for him. His tongue ran against hers and it made her mind dizzy, her body igniting with desire.

Their kisses were frantic, filled with desire and passion for each other. She tried to express every bit of her emotions for him through her kisses, trying to convey just how much she needed him in her life. Her hands pulled him impossible close against her again, trying to merge their bodies together as much as possible.

His body felt delicious against her, the heat bleeding into her body as she moved her lips against him. His hands traced patterns up her back, trying to trace over every part of her he could reach. It was passionate and needy, as though he couldn’t get enough of her against him.

“As much as I am happy that you two are finally together, I’d love to not see you do that in this kitchen ever again,” Byeol’s sassy voice rang out, her hand on one hip as the other held a glass of water. Joon hwi and Sol broke apart quickly, his arms still encircled around her waist as her arms were clasped around his neck. Embarrassment filled the two as Byeol rolled her eyes at the two of them, before leaving the kitchen once more.

A silence stretched between the two, the just sounds of their breathing filling the kitchen, before they turned to look at each other. Joon hwi’s forehead bent down to meet hers as he closed his eyes, trying to enjoy her presence as much as he could.

“You should eat,” Joon hwi’s voice rang out, still breathless from the kiss. She could hear the vibration of his voice against him as she looked up at him, her eyes filled with adoration. Yet, neither of them was content to move away from each other, just enjoying being in each other’s embrace, trying to study every feature on each other’s face.

And in that moment, Sol knew, that she would never have to live without him at her side.

© all rights belong to sxfik. do not use header, dividers, icons, nor repost any of my writing in any manner. 

HOW I MANIFESTED MY DREAM LIFE IN A WEEK

BACKSTORY

So I decided to fully immerse myself in "persisting" and fulfilling when I listened to Lonely one by LOVA because I spent around an hour just sobbing because I related to the song.

the week that I started was around Easter break and I was under the most amount of stress I have ever been through and I could see it the effects on my body

I was breaking out with huge pimples even though I was on accutane, I was averaging 2 hours of sleep a day every week for 2 weeks, my period had going on for 2 weeks, I was losing weight rapidly (was under 35kg:( ) my anxiety was at an all time high because I got harassed again(sexual assault victim). I used to have severe depression and have had multiple failed attempts of suicide. AND YES I WAS DESPERATE AS FUCK TO MANIFEST THIS DREAM LIFE OF MINE WHICH IS NO LONGER A DREAM

in the mornings I would be super anxious but I learned how to deal with it and get myself into the state super easily

HOW I DID IT

I GOT OFF TUMBLR: you know how many times I doubted myself only to realise I was doing everything right

I also read and listened to Edward Art MULTIPLE TIMES

Within a week of fulfilling and persisting, I had manifested my dream life. just like that. I woke up one morning and everything I had ever desired was right there. and it was super easy.

all I did was affirm(to remind not to get), visualise and feel. I would only do these methods if I wanted to, if I didn't I wouldn't.

Within a few days, the anxiety lessened so much and it started to feel natural. 

this was a question on Bambi's " how I manifested with hard circumstances " post which has now been sadly deleted but I remember copying this because it gave me hope at the time I copied it (don't hope, just know)

"But isn’t ranting “not letting the old story die out?” you and i could rant until our minds are cleared, just as long as you flip my thoughts, you are on the right track.  I rant for 2% of my 24 hour days. The other 98% i was persisting in the fact that creation was done. as “time” went on, it began to feel more natural and I felt more at ease. I held onto that feeling because I knew this was when I would get my desires and I did."

and that was when I knew I shouldn't give up and I just kept going even when I wanted myself to just get on tumblr and overconsume 

I actually nearly decided to see what I was "doing wrong". I clicked on one of Aphrodite's posts but I didn't read it. I just asked myself if I would look through it if I had my desires and I wouldn't and since I already have all of my desires I didn't.

Whenever the anxiety was too strong and I could feel the frustration and desperation building up, I would just rant and it helped me calm down and get back into the state super easily.

why?

because STATES MANIFEST THOUGHTS DON'T

which is why you can rant.

you know how many FUCKING DOUBTS I had, but I didn't even give them attention coz they didn't deserve any and how many times I wanted to just give up, but I was like NO, STFU, I DON'T WANNA LIVE MISERABLY ANYMORE and now I'm not :)

The affirmations I used:

It is done

I am living my dream life

I am in my desired reality

The 3d will conform as long as i keep persisting

Imagination is the real reality

I also daydreamed, but since imagination is the real reality they were real

WHAT I MANIFESTED

- desired appearance

- name change

- family change

- skills (drivers licence etc)

- apartment and furniture

- wealth

- a bunch of random materialistic things

- desired friend group (I absolutely love them!)

- desired uni and always getting good grades

- outfits from pinterest

and a bunch of other things

- I also ended up manifesting an sp without even knowing and he's pretty much I everything I scripted him to be(scripted a year ago because I didn't really care for a relationship) but this happened before I manifested my dream life

after a year and half of being on loablr I finally manifested my dream life. and you can too

(there was probably over 100 things I wanted but I realised what I want is not much, nothing ever is when you know about loa and yes, i was super desperate)

you don't need anymore information other than @angelsinluv states post and fulfillment challenge

you shouldn't ever be stressed or worried while manifesting whatever you want, because you wouldn't stress if you had it

TAKE YOUR TIME

YOU GOT THIS

Manifesting is struggling, life is effortless

You may or may not get what you want by "manifesting", and I'll explain to you why.

If you've been practicing for a while, you already know sometimes you get the things you want and sometimes you do not. Each time you do, though, it happens effortlessly. Almost aggravatingly so, since the times you do succeed with — you barely even try.

Your ego, depending on a lot of circumstances, conditions, thought patterns - may or may not believe it can manifest. Because, basically, before the concept was introduced to you - you never did it before. It is like studying for a test, you know this is the material you have to learn, you do so thoroughly, you settle it into your memory perfectly, and yet you can never be sure what the test may present you with. You may even have a lot of confidence in your knowledge and think you've got this under your thumb, but what's put on the test you still can't control. Likewise, you've learned how to manifest perfectly, you know all the methods/possibilities/techniques which you can use and you use them - however, the results are always shaky. So who decides what materializes and what not?

The one that's materializing the ego thinking and doing stuff right now.

The one thing you already have a lot of experience in, the one you do effortlessly and inescapably by existing is being. You've been something all your life, you can't say you don't know how to do that, because—you're being someone reading this post now.

Imagine if you knew yourself as who you really are, the way you materialize this body and this world live and instantly, the same way you'd be able to materialize a different one whenever. The test, the event, would now be put there by you. The confidence you thought yourself into before would now be replaced by a sureness, almost laughable inevitability, one you didn't attain but have. Circumstances you now leave to a "3D conforming" (the ego-body-mind, are circumstances too, btw) exist when you want to.

You don't want to "manifest", all you want is to be your self.

But to have it, you have to go beyond the mind, and to do that - you let go of all the things you think yourself to be, not add more labels on top of it like "God", "Master Manifestor", etc.

Those might satisfy your mind for a bit, but they won't stop you from being what you know yourself to be. To know yourself as the source of all that is you have to first remove the veil of what's stopping you from seeing it in the first place. The labels you may add, but do 'you' know how to operate as any? The only thing you know from experience how to operate is "I AM".

The process is one of letting go more and more until you find yourself having nothing, being nothing. The thing about nothing though is that it's the only thing that can take the shape of everything.

Hi, i hope you're doing well.

First i want to say that i genuinely don't mean to trauma dump, so im sorry if it comes out this way. I just would want to get an advise on my specific situation. So the thing is that im ill and i have less than three months left and im panicking. I know you're probably going to say something like "time doesn't exist" but this doesn't make me feel better. I know that it's Vanessa who is sick and i try to remind myself everyday, but i feel like im just lying to myself. Every time when im dealing with pain, i try to remind myself that it's not me who's feeling pain, it's Vanessa, but i CAN'T convince myself at all. I know that im just awareness, the observer, and whatever i put my awareness on exists and what i take my awareness from, doesn't. So i just have to take my awareness away from this sick Vanessa and put it on the healthy Lara? But how? Or do i just keep doing what im doing, keep telling myself that im not Vanessa, until eventually something clicks and i start believing it? Im sorry, im just so lost.

Also, please don't feel like you HAVE to answer this. I guess I've already read the answer in one of your posts, but im struggling to apply it to this situation.

You're not trauma dumping, your ask is actually refreshing, coming from so many people having breakdowns over not having a mansion and a Porsche, this finally feels like a question that's worth answering.

You are awareness, you don't have to convince yourself.

Lester also got into this over a health scare, I got into this over a health scare, albeit not mine but a parent's, but just as severe.

Here's an excerpt from the book No Attachments, No Aversions, that I hope will help you:

I was told by the doctor not to exert myself, that I must live a sedentary life, because I could drop dead at any moment. This scared me almost to death! After several days I said to myself, "I'm still alive! Drop this useless fear and instead use all you've got to see what you can do about it." I resolved that either I get the answers or I'll take me off this earth, that no coronary was going to do it. And I had the where-with-all, enough morphine to do it-and in the most pleasant way. The doctors allowed me to have morphine to use when I would be overtaken by a kidney-stone attack. The major thing I did after my coronary thrombosis was cut out from the world, one hundred percent. Formerly, I had been very active socially in the arts, opera, jazz, ballet and theatre, whenever I was in New York. It was my necessity for escape. However, for three months I stopped all social activity, did no dating, and even cut out the weekend visits to my sisters and their families. I also cut off the phone. It was a total cut-out from the world. I isolated, right in New York City. I'd only go out to buy food between 2 and 5 A.M. when the city streets were the emptiest. Stores were open all night in Manhattan. I saw no one except the grocer. I was all out, hellbent on getting the answers.

I had spent over forty years of my life, mostly very unhappily. Friends would tell me, "Gee, Lester, you've got everything." I felt I had nothing. I had a nice family and an unusually loving mother. I was given a good education. I was living on 116 Central Park South-and in the penthouse. My friends were many. But my life was unhappy and sick. I had suffered twenty years with hay fever, fifteen years with ulcers and a half dozen perforated ulcers, enlarged liver and kidney stones. About twice a year I'd get jaundiced. I developed migraine headaches. Then heart trouble. And fear, anxiety and frustration all my life. After my coronary I was told I might drop dead any minute. "Don't climb a stair unless you absolutely have to," I was warned. That was in 1952. I was forty-three years old. I was desperate. This fear of dying scared me more than I've ever been scared in my life. It caused me to conclude with determination, "Either I get the answers, or I'll take me off this earth. No heart attack will do it!" That determination to get the answers was the thing that again gave me full realization of what life and happiness are. After a few days of fear of dying, I resolved that there was nothing I could do brooding about it. I started thinking of a way out. I sat alone in my apartment and just thinking, thinking, thinking. I had a problem and had to get the answer. So I sat me down and said, "Lester, you were considered smart. You were an honor student in high school. You won a scholarship when only three scholarships to Rutgers University were awarded through competitive, statewide examinations. You were an honor student in college." But for all of that, I was dumb! dumb! dumb! I did not know how to get the very elementary thing in life-how to be happy!

Well, what do I do? All of my past knowledge was useless. So I decided to drop it all and start from scratch. Okay. Well, what am I? What is this world? What is my relationship to it? I began reviewing the little happiness I had known and it was always related to a woman. "Oh, being loved by a woman is what happiness is!" Then I thought, "Well, here I am. I've had and still have lovely women wanting me. But I am still miserable!" I thought, "Then it's not being loved!" I began reviewing it again and I discovered that when I was loving them-then, I was happy. Conclusion: my happiness equates to my capacity to love.

Then I went through a very keen process of trying to love others. I would review my past behavior. Where I thought I had been loving, I saw I wanted to be loved. For instance, when I saw that I had been nice to a girl only because I wanted something from her, I would say, "You son-of-a-gun, Lester. Correct that!" Then I would love her for what she was, not for what I wanted from her. I kept on correcting this until I could find no more to correct. The next big awareness that came to me was what intelligence is. I got a picture of a single overall intelligence that each one of us is blindly using, available to us to the degree we do not cut off. I also discovered that I am responsible for everything that happens to me. Then I discovered that every thought materializes, sooner or later. Thereafter I took responsibility for everything that was happening to me. Looking for it, the initiating thought would come up in mind, and it being conscious, I would then be able to drop it. I was letting go and undoing the hell I had created. By squaring all with love, trying to love rather than trying to be loved, and by taking responsibility for all that was happening to me; finding my subconscious thought and correcting it, I became freer and freer, happier and happier. The picture of intelligence that I received I think is interesting. I suddenly got a picture of the amusement park entertainment consisting of bump-cars that are made difficult to steer so that the drivers continually bump into each other. They were all getting their electrical energy from the wire screen above, through a pole coming down to every car. The power above was symbolic of the overall intelligence and energy of the universe coming down the pole to me and everyone else, which we were all using and bumping into each other, instead of driving along together in harmony. We use this intelligence in life and we just bump! bump! bump! That was the first picture I got of life and intelligence. We all have a direct line to that infinite intelligence up there and we are using it blindly, wrongly, and against each other. For the first two months I was getting answers to, "What is happiness, intelligence and love?" As the answers came, I was gradually being unburdened of my miseries and tensions.

The very first insight was on love, seeing that my happiness was determined by my capacity to love. That was a tremendous insight. It began to free me. Any bit of freedom when you're plagued feels so good. I knew that I was in the right direction. I had gotten hold of a link of a chain and was determined not to let go until I had the entire chain. Then I saw that my sum-total thinking was responsible for everything happening to me, and that gave me more freedom. I could control my life by undoing the compulsive behavior, all of which had been determined in the past, and was now subconscious. The third phase was discovering and recognizing who and what I really am. I began to see that we are infinite beings with no limitations; that all limitations were only concepts in our minds, learned in the past, and being held on to. When we see what we really are, we can see that we are not that limited being that we had thought we were, and we can then easily drop the limitations. Working on those three things, I became freer and freer. My heart became lighter. I was happier, more at peace. My mind got quieter. Then my curiosity took me all the way. I said, "If this is so good, I must find just how good it can get. I'll go the limit."

I'd had a life mostly of misery. So when this wonderful thing of happiness began coming in, I wanted all of it. I doggedly kept at it. And then all of a sudden powers fell in on me. I could know anything anywhere. I saw there were people just like us on endless numbers of planets. Then I took a look across the country to Los Angeles. I called up this friend and said, "In the living room there are three persons," and so on. I started telling him what was going on. Dead air! Suddenly I realized I had frightened him. I had to cut the conversation short. I was amazed at the very pleasant sensation of watching divine laws in operation. The fascination was not the powers themselves, but the watching and witnessing of the divine laws operating. I really didn't feel like the doer. I knew these things were not to be latched on to. I knew that if I got interested in them, I'd stop progressing. I had seen by this time that this world is a mentation-a dream. So to get interested in the dream again through interest in powers would trap me back into what I was wanting to get out of.

Toward the end of my period of seeking, l one day saw that, my gosh! This whole thing is like a dream in my mind, just like a night dream! And it's a dream that never really was any more than a dream you had last night was. Was it a real thing, that dream you had last night? No. It was only in your mind. But of course until one awakens out of this everyday waking state, it seems real to one. The new reality was that I am, and that's all there is! That my beingness is the changeless essence of the universe, of course, I was punch-drunk, slap-happy, and in a state of euphoria. In this state the whole world looks perfect. Looking at my body, I also saw this body as part of that perfection. This instantly corrected all my ailments.

Several times on the way up I'd get a realization that would so supercharge my body, I'd have to walk for miles and miles at a good pace. Some of those realizations are really more than a body can take. You can't sit still. Many a time I was forced to walk off the new, intense energy. I was undoing the subconscious hang-ups, tendencies, preexisting dispositions, realizing more and more that I am free, that freedom is my basic nature. I was getting freer and freer and I automatically went into a state where, having undone enough of the mental limitations, the real Self of me began presenting itself to me. I saw that the real "I" of me was only beingness, was only existence, and that my beingness was exactly the beingness of the universe. And when I saw that, I identified with every being in this universe; I identified with every atom in it. And when you do that you lose all sense of being a separate individual, an ego. When I saw that, that I AM the Amness of his universe, I then saw the whole world as just an image in my imagination, like a dream. I imaged or dreamt that I was a body. And I'm dreaming right now that I'm this body. In reality, the only thing that is, is Isness, That's the real, changeless substance behind everything.

When I started, I couldn't have been much lower. I was plagued with all these ailments accumulated over the years topped with a coronary, and with deep depths of depression and intense misery. Three months later I was at the other extreme; I was so happy I had a smile on my face that I could not take off. I felt a euphoria and lightness that is really indescribable. Everything of life itself was open to me-the total understanding of it. It is simply that we are infinite beings, over which we have superimposed concepts of limitation. And we are smarting under these limitations that we accept for ourselves as though they are real, because they are opposed to our basic nature of total freedom. However, they are just hallucinations, mental concepts. Life before and after was at two different extremes. At first it was just extreme depression and sickness. After, it was a happiness and serenity that's indescribable.

Now, you don't have to follow exactly what he did - just ask yourself the questions and do what feels right for you. I will add this book to my drive as well so you can read it all if you want to, but in the end, you will be fine, don't worry. Love believes all things, nothing can happen against your will ♡

Ok Anthony and Kate Bridgerton calm down!

a definitive guide to actually fulfilling your desires

"i affirm and persist all day long but nothing is working!!"

"i ignored the 3d for a week straight and did xyz whenever i could but nothing happened"

stop forcing yourself to work for your manifestations. you can do tons of methods and challenges and still see zero change in the 3d. why? because states manifest. it‘s that easy.

now, when you affirm and visualize on loop to get your desires without success in what state do you find yourself?

in a state of lack. you are affirming to GET. you should never feel like you have to WORK for your manifestations.

"Ideas are impressed on the subconscious through the medium of feeling. No idea can be impressed on the subconscious until it is felt, but once felt - be it good, bad or indifferent - it must be expressed. Feeling is the one and only medium through which ideas are conveyed to the subconscious." - Neville Goddard (Feeling is the Secret)

THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO GET YOUR DESIRES IS TO FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE THEM. FULFILL THEM MENTALLY. read that again. you have to FEEL like you already have them. nothing else. everything else will follow.

"The subconscious never fails to express that which has been impressed upon it. The moment it receives an impression, it begins to work out the ways of its expression. It accepts the feeling impressed upon it, your feeling, as a fact existing within itself and immediately sets about to produce in the outer or objective world the exact likeness of that feeling. The subconscious never alters the accepted beliefs of man." - Neville Goddard (Feeling is the Secret)

isn't that amazing? you can genuinely have or be ANYTHING, yes, anything, just by feeling. and it will ALWAYS be expressed into the outer world as long as you fulfill it in the inner world ( -> your imagination).

now how do we go on about this?

first of all you need to actually realize that YOU ARE THE ONLY CREATOR. the only cause. everything you see in the 3d is dependent on your beliefs and ideas. you do not have to be anything you don’t want to be. you are consciousness moving through states. read that again. engrain it into your beliefs.

i recommend doing this meditation by edwartart. it really helped me realize that i don‘t actually need to see anything in the outer world, but can instead just experience it in my imagination. and as we learned earlier, "once it is felt, it must be expressed."

this is also why you really shouldn’t care about your 3d. you dont have to ignore it, but you should never identify with the outer world. you are pure consciousness. live in your imagination as much as possible, as imagination is reality. thoughts manifest -> the dominant feeling manifests.

and instead of consuming even more posts about manifesting, go try it out. you dont even have to meditate, just close your eyes and remove the outer world from existence. then be the person you want to be. experience living as that person. you‘ll soon realize that it‘s incredibly easy to manifest and you‘ll also automatically stop caring about the 3d when you reach the state of fulfillment.

and don’t say you "cant get into a state". once you get rid of that mental blockage and ALLOW yourself to feel and experience it‘s genuinely SO EASY. don’t force it! if it doesn’t feel good you’re probably imagining something you don’t really want. try imagining your heart‘s desires. imagining is so fun. do it whenever you can, when you’re waiting for the bus, taking a break etc.

read this post again if you need to. actually understand it.

now go live in your imagination. fulfill all your desires mentally and you‘ll soon realize the 3d automatically catches up without you having to lift a finger. the life of your dreams is literally just waiting for you to experience it!

~neo

hey lain! im so sorry if this post is long asf but i just spent like 25+ minutes reading your posts and replies to anons. i (well ego, actually) has spent every day since she learned about non-dualism seeking something that would "click." she was desperately trying to find what she needed to do to realize self, because as much as she told herself in her mind that she understands non-dualism, she really wasn't understanding. so anyway, she basically just had this feeling of "i'm done trying. this is exhausting and i'm so damn tired of this. there's nothing to try. the fact that i desire things and want to understand things etc., is all irrelevant." so with that, she started scrolling thru your posts, reading them fully rather than skimming them (she's lazy and doesn't like reading all the way, she always just skimmed long posts💀💀)

she just wanted the most simplest understanding on what to do and now she knows that it's literally just to stop identifying with ego. so i, my actual self, literally does not need to ask questions. i do not wonder what to do, all thoughts of "what do i have to fix" is ego. i do not have to convince ego that i am not her because... she isn't real and self doesn't think anyway, so anytime i have one of those exhausting mind battles where i think i'm telling ego that everything is fake and an illusion, i just need to remember that both of those thoughts are literally the ego. so feeling like i need to read more information, or i need to convince myself of something, will always be the ego, not ME. ALL THAT I NEED TO DO IS NOT IDENTIFY WITH EGO.

and let me tell you, i paused reading for a sec to "test it" (not necessarily testing anything but i was just getting into the feeling of not identifying) and i genuinely felt the difference. like i felt what i was supposed to, the freedom and desirelessness yk? every thought in my mind, every feeling i had, any desire i was thinking about "getting" i just said quietly said in my head, not me. that's all ego. and i didn't bother convincing or reassuring myself like "see its just ego so relax, okay i don't need to worry. i'm not ego! remember that!" because the only thing that ever needs reassurance is ego, and reassuring her is identifying with her. i didn't bother trying to "believe" anything because i knew anything further was ego. and if i am not ego, it is absolutely pointless to do anything more than just observe the thoughts and let it pass. i'd be holding my own self back from freedom by doing anything more than observing and letting it pass.

basically i just wanted to share that, because i got this giddy and relieving feeling because i know exactly what i need to do. it's not even something i "need to do", it's not a process, it's just a simple look at anything that makes me feel not free or like i'm desiring and thinking "not me, just ego." and moving on! i already feel less stressed because i'm not trying to achieve desires, i don't feel desire, ego does, but i'm not her so i don't have to fix it or remove the desire, i just let it pass on. i feel so relaxed now and just empty (in a good way. i'm emptied of hopelessness, desire, confusion) the "click" ego wanted so bad is basically this. and its so SIMPLE. i know that the habit of identifying is still kinda there for me though, but understanding the simplicity of this now and not feeling the need to search for "what to do" is gonna make it so easy to break the habit once and for all. thank you so much for your posts lain sincerely. i might delete tumblr to avoid the ego's habit of mindlessly opening the app and scrolling for hours cuz she thinks she needs to find the secret krabby patty formula to realizing self but at the same time your page brings such a comforting and safe feeling that i love 💙💙💙

i'm so glad you understand! it's good that you finally practised, you can read everything and get nowhere if you don't take the leap ♡

keep going!

Sharing something that was immensely helpful for me in the past few days: If your ego has strong worries or fears that keep popping up as thoughts that pull you away from Self and is also struggling to let go of them, try think of it this way instead: maybe it's not something that you have to let go of because it was never yours to begin with. It was never your burden to bear. Maybe it's about trusting that the higher power* will take care of everything on its own (whatever resonates with you, the unseen higher intelligence that is not part of the world) and trusting that everything will be okay. Maybe it's that the trust and surrender itself lends power into the story that's being written, just as not having faith and constantly worrying does too. It's surrender and letting go all the same but slightly reframed. I basically applied this to all the "strong" attachments and within 20 minutes of going through everything, they no longer had any hold over me, just like that. I don't even feel the need to mentally drop individual beliefs anymore. I had consciously surrendered in general but consciously surrendering the burden and responsibility for the ego's specific worries/fears was so effective in relieving Self from it. It is much easier to abide in Self once you let go of the dominant thoughts.

*I think it's easier for the ego to just believe and trust in a "higher power" than to try mentally understand/conceptualise Self (this isn't possible anyway!) - it's basically already in-built acceptance that the ego cannot understand or know this "higher power" anyway because it is not the higher power nor in the same plane of existence as it (just like ego is not Self but Self is Self imagining it is an ego) - the labels don't matter, call it whatever you want; whatever helps/resonates. The most important thing is the ego surrendering to Self which in another view is also Self surrendering the ego by giving up doership, accepting things as they are and trusting/knowing things will be just fine.

"Faith is when you let go, not when you hold on" - Alan Watts