Latest Posts by living-healing - Page 2

“WHEN YOU’RE FALLING OUT OF LOVE: 1. his smile used to drip honey but now it is all chipped iceberg teeth in a sea of red. 2. the butterflies try their best to escape but they just drop dead in the pit of your stomach every time he touches your hand. 3. you’ll find yourself forcing laughter through a closed mouth. 4. you’ll find a new home on the shoulder of the boy who sits next to you in class. you’ll spend the hours studying the softness of his hands instead, imagining how they might feel in your hair. 5. he is no longer what you search for in the spaces between the masses of people around. you just keep walking as tall as you possibly can. 6. you see his laid back nature as laziness and his jokes as misogynistic and you can’t believe you’ve been living with rose-tinted glasses this whole time. 7. catching his eye feels all types of guilty because you can’t love him the way he wants you to anymore. 8. your cheeks will flush with poppies when the boy that sits next to you in class whispers your name. you’ll feel hurricanes ripping through your insides, blowing away all the dust that settled on your heart. 9. all the sheets of paper you filled with poetry about him you’ll want to burn because it doesn’t make sense anymore; it doesn’t feel real anymore. 10. you always said forever but sometimes forever can seem so short that before you know it, you’ve already forgotten what his name feels like when you hold it on your tongue.”

— THIS IS THE LAST ONE ABOUT YOU

Falling out of love taught me eight things-

1. It is surprisingly easy to stop loving someone, no matter how magnificent you once felt together.

2. There will come a time when you have to decide whether or not you can fix whatever went wrong; that decision will haunt you, no matter which way you go.

3. Even if you are no longer in love with someone, you can still care about them and watching them crumble because of you is still something terrible to witness.

4. There will be times when you doubt your feelings (do not tell them unless you are certain- it will only hurt you both).

5. People will ask you what happened and there is no easy way of explaining that you just could not be in love with them anymore.

6. Hearing about them dating someone else is still weird if only because of a leftover imprint of your name beside their’s.

7. You now understand what it feels like to fall out of love and that is something utterly terrifying when contemplated for too long.

8. It will surprise you how long it will take for you to love someone after this; the fear of them leaving you never really resides.

- K.S.

“I am yours, when the sun sets to the west and I am yours, when the birds migrate to the east. I am yours, when the winds of change go north and I am yours, when the feathers of hope glide south. I am yours, everywhere you choose to wander and I am yours when you’re lost in the crowd feeling sonder. I am yours.”

— j.d

every piece of me is begging myself just to ask how you feel about me. i need to know if when you picture your future i’m the person beside you. i need to know if my smile makes your heart skip a beat. if you love me back because god damn not knowing is making me losing my fucking mind. i try so hard for you. i show you in every way i know how that you are who my heart belongs to. i started loving you before i ever learned how to love someone right. now i know how and i still love you. i would do anything to just prove you to you how much i’ve changed. that i will do better this time. but i don’t think you care anymore... maybe it’s finally time to let you go.

I SWORE THIS YEAR ID STOP CHASING PEOPLE WHO DONT WANT ME BUT I STILL LOVE YOU// 4am

no one talks about when you have to breakup with someone you still love. is it because it’s uncommon or because it’s something that you’re supposed to conceal? it’s not a normal ending, you sit there breaking someone’s heart while simultaneously breaking your own even though you know it’s for the best. when it’s over where does that love go, because all i feel is it sitting next to the guilt- i can’t believe i hurt them, why didn’t i just give it a little longer, this is my fault. and the regret- what if it was the wrong choice, maybe we could have fixed it, i want them back. but you know things weren’t working, you know love isn’t always enough.

4am

real love is not like the poetry. it is not i love you spat down each other’s throats or finding a reason to live again because you found this one person. It is so much simpler than that. real love is telling them to go back to sleep because it is still early and you know they need it, even if you want them to be awake with you. It’s realizing it won’t always be easy but still choosing them every day and wanting to be the very best for them. that’s it, it’s not as deep as you think.

4am

“I wish I knew the right words to say when it came down to writing about someone who makes you feel like flowers are growing inside of your chest. I wish I knew how to explain the way you make me feel when it’s two in the morning and we’re both laughing over something that probably wasn’t even that funny but to other people, our laughs make it seem like it was the world. I wish I knew how to tell people just how really beautiful you are, because when you are there, whether you’re laying down or pacing back and fourth, talking about the things that excite you the most, or just about anything in general that makes you happy, your eyes hold a certain kind of light beneath them that makes me want to never look away. Or when you laugh, my god, when you laugh, I never want it to stop because you do this thing where you tilt your head back and cover your mouth at the last moment after you already been so loud, shaking your head and every single time, I’d think, I wouldn’t mind hearing you laugh for the rest of my life. And when you yell, which is very rare, is scary because you can be there, veins standing at attention and I’d still think you’re the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on, even if I’m driving you insane. Don’t worry though, you drive me insane too. And I wish I knew how to explain the way my hands shake when I think about losing you, or the way my chest tightens to the thought of you being with someone else who isn’t me, because it messes with my mind sometimes and I get fustrated, because only I want to know your favorite book to the way you hate wearing that poka dot shirt, or how you eat when you’re nervous and can’t seem to stop making a mess. But you always been a messy eater so I don’t mind. I fell in love with you and although you are not perfect because you do have your moments, I promise I will love you again and again and again because I am not perfect either but if I am here, holding my heart out to you, and you are there, doing the same, I swear we both can be non-perfect messes together. And I’m trying not to be too cheesy here, because you always did say I buttered you up too much so for now I’ll leave it off with an I love you and an I’ll love you forever until my very last breath and an I am so lucky you decided to choose me.”

— A.M// to jake, maybe loving you isn’t so bad after all.

“You make me feel things. Things I locked away. Things I didn’t think possible, To feel again. You make me feel, Like we’re stuck in a moment, Hidden from time. Stolen hours even days, Feel like mere minute as they rush by. You make me forget, All my worries, And the unwilling commitments, The world has put in my path. You make me remember how it feels to truly laugh.”

—

“I want laughter at 4am and sloppy kisses between dinner dates and hands fumbling underneath the blanket because god knows there is never a minute i can go without touching you and i want silly jokes and awkward handshakes and quiet “i love you’s” over the phone and dancing a lot of dancing i want to dance with you in an aisle at the supermarket as we both try to come up with which taco shells are betterand i want to dance with you on the night we both say i do i want to hold your hand in front of my friends and kiss your cheek when my mother asks me why i am so god damn happy all the time and i want you now,and for as long as forever with you can take me.”

— A.M// i want you always,

love is not rational and it isn’t supposed to be. it’s okay to fall in love with the boy everyone wants. it’s okay to fall in love with the boy who lives on the other side of the world. it’s okay to miss someone you just met. it’s okay to fall in love fast. because love is not rational. love is hearing their voice for the first time and knowing that you want to hear it say i love you every night before bed for the rest of your life. love is thinking of them every second you aren’t speaking. love isn’t supposed to make sense. it’s supposed to make you do things you never thought you would. it’s supposed to be a whirlwind, a hurricane, that’s what makes it so amazing.

4am

i don’t know why i drink vodka. i dont particularly like how it tastes or the smell it leaves behind or how it burns in my throat. but i like that it makes me feel lost in time and imagination. i like how after four shots, i can imagine you holding my hand ten years later and imagine us buying an apartment together somewhere with a garden and growing old together so i can make fun of you when you have belly fat and wrinkles. i like how after four shots, i can forget how time binds our relationship and how after another ten months you’ll get bored of me and my silly jokes and move on to someone better. i can forget about the other girls whose lips are bound in time to kiss yours and i can continuously imagine how you always find your way back to me despite it all. i dont know why i drink vodka but it definately has something to do with you, my love.

vodka//nikitaguptaa

“i am slowly forgetting your smell, the sound of your steps, and the hand motions you make while talking but i’m so sure, whenever i’ll see you again, i’ll recognise these immediately and it’ll feel like coming home after a long tiring day.”

— long distance.

“You guys are dating right?” he asks. I shake my head in confusion. “No,” I answer. The answer hurts; physically and emotionally. He frowns. “But the way you guys look at each other…” I shake my head, smiling sadly.”

— excerpt from a story i’ll never write #7 // thewriterain

for insecure angels

your partner still loves you even when they are away.

your friends still loves you even when they are away.

they will sill love you even if they have other friends.

they weill still love you even if you are not okay.

they will still love you even if they don’t reply immediately.

they will still love you even if you don’t reply them immediately.

they will still love you even if they can’t talk in a exact moment.

they will still love you even they are not around you 24/7.

they will still love you even if you don’t love some things about yourself.

“they are not replying!”

MAYBE

they fell asleep.

they are busy.

they don’t feel okay to talk right now.

they had to immediately leave for some reason.

they are studying.

they are working.

they are practicing a hobby.

they forgot to reply by distraction.

THEY STILL LOVE YOU.

“they are distant!”

MAYBE

they are going through a hard time.

they are hurt by something you said or did (don’t get paranoid because of it, try to talk to them).

they are very busy with work or studies.

they are planning something good for you.

THEY STILL LOVE YOU.

“i made a mistake and hurt them.” you can always apologize! everyone makes mistakes.

“they made a mistake and hurt me.” tell your feelings to them.

“they will leave me, i know it.” check if it’s not your paranoid thoughts acting out and tell your feelings to them, we can’t be 100% sure if someone will abandon us.

“they have someone better in their lives.” i personally don’t believe in “someone better”, because we all have good and bad aspects, but it doesn’t even matter if they have someone better, because they are with you because they like you and not because of someone else or whatever.

“i’m not enough.” YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR THEM. THEY LOVE YOU.

“i’m ugly.” YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL FOR THEM. THEY LOVE YOU.

- Everything I said relates to healthy relationships only. I don’t support abusive relationships and please take care of yourself and look for help if you are being abused.

“I’m trying really hard to be this person that has her shit together, that has some form of fucking control over anything that has to do with my life. I’m trying really hard not to be so god damn fucking angry at everything. At the world, at myself, at people in my life. I’m trying to mask it all with some point or validation or giving it a mean by saying “this has to happen for a reason. It had to.” But maybe that’s just it, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Maybe there is no reason why bad things happen or good things happen. Maybe there is no reason and it’s just that, a thing that happened. It’s just the universe being cruel and the universe giving you a break once in a while because if we’re being honest there is ALWAYS something. There will always be a time in your life where it feels like bricks are sitting on your chest and there will always be a time after the bricks when the light peaks through one small crack and you have that moment where you don’t feel like you’re drowning and you think “This is it, this is where things get better. This is where I get better.” And it’s true you do get better. You get better every time, but there will never not be a time when there isn’t bricks sitting on your chest and that is what is so goddamn heartbreaking to me. We are born and we suffer and we live and we are happy and sad and everything in between and then we just die. Our bodies go into the ground or get spread out somewhere that was once meaningful to you if your family or friends know you, if you’re lucky. If you’re lucky you might also find love. I’m trying, I’m really trying to find the goddamn crack in the pile of bricks but fuck. What’s the point? What is the god damn point.”

— Wednesday, March 25th, 2020 11:33 pm

PTSD things

taking lots of baths and showers

constant flashbacks. sometimes you don’t even know what they’re about

you’re told you’re jumpy all the time

you always look behind you

craving abuse

alternating between missing your abuser and hating them with all your guts

was it my fault?

constantly distracting yourself from memories

you freeze at the mention of their name

overwhelming anxiety and unexplained fear

you convince yourself you deserved the abuse

you can’t relate to peers

you think you’ll be sick forever

unable to remember key parts of the abuse

remembering too much all at once

developing unhealthy coping mechanisms

you flinch every time someone raises their arm, or makes an abrupt movement

you age regress

you’re told you act “mature” for your age

always feeling like something’s going to go wrong

It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after you’re safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didn’t have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once you’re safe (as in, abusers physically can’t get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like you’ve never felt before, because it’s the first time you’re allowed to rest, and you don’t have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like it’s tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless you’ll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like you’d rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.

This post-trauma effect isn’t irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this it’s because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your body’s strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because you’re still alive in order to do it.

What you’re going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because it’s impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldn’t be happening if your body didn’t estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so don’t despair if you get a little better and then worse, it’s designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.

Am I being sexually groomed? Checklist

Bold the items that happened to you, italicize if you’re unsure. This checklist covers sexual grooming only, it is usually done on top of regular grooming, for which you can find checklist here. You can be sexually groomed by your family and relatives, by your peers and people your own age, even if you’re both children. It can also be done by strangers. Trigger warning for mentions of sexual abuse. This checklist covers child grooming, but all other categories can apply to adults as well.

Illusion of pure intentions

This person goes far out of their way to not judge me and seems to approve of everything I do and think, making me feel very comfortable to tell them private things about me

This person got me to confide my sexual trauma in them, and they seem like someone who understands and wouldn’t use it against me

I initially felt this person migh have sexual intentions with me but they reassured me they only wanted to be friends/have a professional relationship with me

This person shows curiosity in my sexuality and my sexual thoughts and habits

This person often turns the conversation sexual, even when it wasn’t in the start

This person keeps finding a way to talk to me in private, even when it feels inappropriate

This person claims they only want to be intimate with me because of how much they love me

This person convinces me sexual conversations or sexual touch holds deep emotional meaning for them and they’re only asking for it out of care and desire for me

This person talks very passionately about sex-related concepts and ideas, it’s obvious from the way they talk they’re very excited about it and it would make them happy if I participated in it with them

This person equates me with a fantasy of the perfect sexual partner they want, and they want me to play the part for them

This person compares me to their ideal sexual partners in media (fictional characters, anime characters, book characters) and call me their names to convince me to play the part

My instincts are telling me this person’s behaviour is off, and the way they look at me makes me feel unsafe

 Exploitation of children’s inexperience

This person insists on me watching sexually themed media (lolicon-type anime, sexually themed movies or cartoons, soft or explicit pornography, fetish games, bdsm content, ddlg content, no matter how soft)

This person convinced me that children can consent to sex, and that it’s okay and acceptable to indulge them in it

This person seems to want to teach me about how sex works and touches me to demonstrate it

This person ensures me that them touching me sexually is okay because they’re only trying to teach me

This person doesn’t think child marriages, practices of sexual slavery of children or pedophilia are wrong, and convinces me that these are just misconceptions, where in other areas of the world this is acceptable and normal

This person loves pointing out to me how horribly and brutally other children are tortured and raped, compares it with how they treat me, expecting me to be grateful

This person comments and sexualizes my body, even when I’m underage

This person praises my maturity and claim they’re drawn to me for my intelligence

This person sees me as an equal adult, capable of indulging and consenting to sexual activities even when I’m underage

This person insists on watching me doing my private activities, like showering, changing clothes, masturbating, and says that it’s normal, or that I’m being unreasonable and withholding if I prefer privacy

This person convinces me that if I don’t want to be seen naked, or have sexual contact with them, it’s because I’m shy, or ashamed of my own body, and they encourage me to stop being like that

This person says it’s okay to touch me just because it’s them, it would be wrong for someone else to do it

This person made it seem like being sexually abused was something completely normal, something I wouldn’t even think to object or fight against

This person made naked/sexual images of me, or manipulate me into making them

This person started touching me sexually at very young age, I had no idea what was going on

This person made me say that I want to do sexual things, or to have sexual things done to them before they did it, so I feel like responsibility is completely on me

This person claimed sexual things we did were just a game and to not take it seriously, I don’t feel like I have the right to be traumatized since I didn’t feel hurt or resist at the moment it was happening

This person had me used to the idea of people being sexually touched as a joke or a game, long before they started doing it, so I wasn’t able to figure out it’s abuse or defend myself 

This person explained to me that all of my friends/peers are also doing the same kind of sexual things, and told me I would be the only “coward” who didn’t do it

This person convinced me that everyone else my age who had this done to them had good reactions and loved it, and I was stupid for not wanting to do it

This person had me used to the idea of people being sexually touched as a joke or a game, long before they started doing it, so I wasn’t able to figure out it’s abuse or defend myself 

Minimizing/denying the abuse

This person continually tries to convince me that acts that feel sexual to me are not sexual (they reduce the meaning of sexual touch to “massage” even if it involves sexual areas)

If I try resist the sexual touching, this person minimizes it and says it’s not a big deal, only playing/tickling/petting, even if they’re touching places I feel uncomfortable being touched, or my private areas

If I ever try to call out the sexual abuse, they insists it’s not “rape” or there wasn’t penetration so I have nothing to complain about

This person insists the sexual acts they’re doing to me can’t be abuse because they got me to say it “felt good” at some point and I’m not allowed to change my mind anymore

This person talks as if any victim of sexual abuse is only reacting badly, and abuse itself is just a game or not a big deal

This person equates sexual practices with love, and insists they only do it to me because they love me

Psychological manipulation

This person gives me a lot of approval, praise and adoration if I indulge in sexual behaviour with them, but if I reject it, they immediately turn to insulting or ignoring me, making me feel guilty

This person exposed me to a whole community of people who agree with their sexual ideas and practices, and I will be rejected from it if I try to express it’s wrong or that it makes me feel uncomfortable

This person makes me feel like I’m denying them something they have every right to, if I reject their sexual advances, they call me cruel and manipulative and make me feel awful

This person takes my refusal of sexual acts as “disrespect” and actual offense against them, they feel justified in punishing me for it

This person accuses me of not loving them if I refuse to give them sexual access to my body, or refuse anything sexual they want to do to me

This person will withhold care, attention, resources and support if I try to resist them and want privacy and to not be touched or exposed to sexual material anymore

This person told me in detail about sexual trauma they went thru, and they seem to want me to help them heal by taking control of my sexuality

This person confined their deepest traumas to me, and I feel obliged to give them anything to make life better for them

I feel if I refuse sexual contact with this person, I will become worthless in their eyes

Forceful destruction of privacy and sexual boundaries

This person insists on talking about sexual things, even if I’m embarrassed and uncomfortable

This person insists on continuing sexual conversations even after I let them know I’m not comfortable with it

This person gives me a feeling like they expect me to eventually become sexual with them and I’m not given much of a choice in that

This person uses slurs, degradation, and sex-based insults for anyone they disapprove of

This person starts touching me in non-sexual ways which I don’t resist, but they end up turning into sexual

This person talks to me about sexual practices in detail, and they keep encouraging me to try them, even when I’m obviously reluctant and uncomfortable about it

This person kept wearing me down no matter how many times I said no, until I would get too tired from fighting them and allow them to do what they wanted

This person convinces me to touch them non-sexually, only to push further and make it sexual without my consent

I don’t feel safe physically fighting this person off of me, and even when I try they keep insisting and convincing me to not resist them, and that they’re right in what they want to do to me and I’m being unreasonable

I rely on this person for care/caretaking/necessities but they will only interact with me if I keep indulging in their sexual conversation/contact/participate in watching sexual media

If I resist this person, their behaviour escalates into anger, neglect, hatred, insults, threats, blackmail or violence

If I resist this person, I fear they might get me fired, kicked out of my home or even imprisoned

Sabotage of support or escape

This person made sure I have nobody to tell about the abuse

I think if I told my friends/family about this, they would freak out and claim I’m being sexually abused

This person insists on keeping our sexual encounters secret from anyone else, they’re worried of what people might think if they find out, but they mask it as “our secret”

This person told me if I tell someone, or resist them, they would hurt me, or hurt themselves

This person convinced me that even if I told someone, nobody would believe me

I feel incredibly ashamed and guilty about things I’ve been manipulated to do to this person in the past, I can’t bear someone knowing or humiliating me for it

I feel guilty because some parts of sexual contact felt good for me and I initiated some, I feel like I am at fault for everything that’s happened

I’m scared I’ll be exposed as someone who willingly sought out sexual experiences and will be humiliated and abandoned by the society for it, if someone finds out

I’m scared of what this person might do to me if I tell someone

I’m scared I’ll lose my family/job/friends/safety if someone finds out

I don’t have anyone else I can rely on, so I have to give this person whatever they want of me

Whenever I gather courage to break it off, this person does something crazy or dangerous to stop me

I don’t feel that anyone else could ever want me, all I have is this person, even if they hurt me sometimes I can’t cut them off

I feel dirty and like “damaged goods”, I don’t think anyone will ever want me after what I allowed this person to do to me

I wish none of the sexual encounters ever happened and I feel intense self hatred for not fighting back more, for not resisting more

If you bolded and italicized 5 or more items on the list, you’ve been exposed to sexual grooming. Whoever did this to you had no right, it was wrong and you take no blame in it. Sexual grooming and sexual abuse will leave a heavy mark on your life, and regardless of how far the sexual abuse went, even if it didn’t get to explicit sexual acts, you have been harmed, your sexuality and perception of intimacy have been harmed. These are one of the most serious types of abuse. If you’ve been groomed in this way, it’s likely you’ve experienced other types of abuse and neglect as well, so whoever would, on top of all your suffering decide to abuse you sexually as well, is a monster.

It’s my fault I’m traumatized? Do you realize just how much work goes into traumatizing a person to this level? Can you imagine how much lies and gaslighting it took for me to start doubting my memory and start asking myself if I was insane? Do you understand what amount of violence it took to make me flinch at every movement, expecting a blow? Do you get how many insults and screaming it took to make me believe that everything was my fault, that I was less than a human being, irredeemable and worthless to the core? Do you understand how much humiliation, hatred and threats it takes to make someone this terrified and isolated? This was years and years of hard work! I could never take the credit, for once I lack the dedication, I would yell at myself maybe once and then go “meh lets leave it at that”. I would never have the energy to do this to myself! All the credit goes to my parents, they fought tirelessly to make me this exhausted, terrified, panicked mess overridden with grief and rage, they really put in the effort, and made it all possible.

have you ever fallen in love with someone that’s just so perfect? they treat you with nothing but kindness. they look at you the way people write stories about. their laugh is the sound that makes your day better. every single day. you look at them and you’re just home. i never thought i’d actually find someone like that, but i met you and suddenly we are what others dream of. you and i could conquer entire cities, discover magic and spend our entire life happy because we found each other. you are what i wished for.

4am

I really don’t like how society demonizes crying. You’re seen as weak or manipulative if you shed any tears at all about anything. People look down upon you if you cry, or think you’re “faking for attention.” Even in the media, a character learning not to cry is considered good character development, and a character who does frequently cry is portrayed as weak or cowardly. 

The truth is, crying is one of the healthiest coping mechanisms humans have for stress. It’s been scientifically proven that the chemical composition of emotional tears (compared to basal and irritant tears) purges stress hormones from the body and produces a relaxing effect at a biological level. It’s also nonviolent (more than can be said for the more socially acceptable anger response). Humans evolved to cry for a reason. 

If one isn’t allowed to cry (if they would be shamed/abused for it), the stress hormones will build up and cause illness later on. They will have to force themselves to cry because their first instinct will be to repress the tears. They wouldn’t be able to cry in front of people anymore, either. 

Go ahead and cry if you need to, for whatever reason. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. 

PSA

telling your neurodivergent/mentally ill kid:

“you can’t do anything right without your meds”

“you’ll never amount to anything without your meds”

“i like you better on your meds”

“you’re stupid without your meds”

“you embarass me off your meds”

“you’re too embarassing to be seen in public without your meds"

“no one could ever want to be your friend without your meds”

“the meds must be working because you accomplished something”

“the meds are working because you’re quieter”

is EXACTLY THE SAME as telling them:

“you can’t do anything right”

“you’ll never amount to anything”

“i don’t like you”

“you’re stupid”

“i’m ashamed of you”

“you’re too embarrassing to be in public, i’m embarassed to be seen with you”

“no one could ever want to be your friend”

“you didn’t earn your accomplishments”

and “i wish you didn’t exist, so at least be quiet so i can pretend you don’t"

PASS IT ON

(this is not directed at anyone who chooses to take medication, this is about parents/siblings/ect. who talk to ppl this way)

so how can i hate her?

…. am I the monster?

Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat 

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me 

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it 

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma 

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive 

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!

I can’t tell if you’re just treating me like a friend or something more than that and it’s driving me mad

“Perhaps the Saddest Thing of All, is that losing you, was like finally facing an addiction. Your smile was my liquor, your words were like my cocaine, and you embrace was like a shot of morphine. But the fact that you’re gone, means that I’m finally getting better.”

— Excerpt from a Book I’ll Never Write, Perhaps the Saddest Thing

I want you to understand how chaotic, loud and inhuman my brain is,

But my darling, I wouldn't want to make you feel so insane.

"I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone."

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