It Is likely You Will Feel The Worst Of Your Trauma Only After You’re Safely Away From Your Abusers.

“It was the way you held my hand; how you could make such a simple gesture so intimate, so special.It were the times you looked into my eyes and let my heart sway in the lingering, low hum of your breath finding the familiar comfort in mine. It was the way your words soothed any hurricane or storm brewing within me; I never could figure how the gentle tone of your voice could comfort me any more than your fingers caressing my skin in the darkest of nights. And then, slowly, holding hands became just… holding hands. The complete element of intimacy was former, as it had wandered away from even the slightest touch, and then I realized I was only sharing mere, physical contact with a stranger once again. You looked into my eyes only to see the reflection of your own, claiming that ‘There aren’t any more fireworks.“ You decided gazing into the same eyes every day was simple and you longed for something new; but on the other hand, I had learned something new every time I even glanced into yours. Someday I hope you realize that the fireworks only cease until you light some more. … And then came the day when your voice sounded like any other voice; the day I heard ‘Hello, beautiful’ and my heart sank as each letter stayed sitting on the edge of your tongue, unwilling to fully leave your lips because it no longer felt, in its entirety, at home with me. At the end of it all, I still wonder how you managed to make every intimate thing we had feel simple again.”

— E.G. Falling out of love

“It’s okay to admit that he wasn’t half the man that you once thought he was. But that doesn’t make you wrong; it makes him wrong.”

— Poetry At Most

Anger has an important role in human beings, protection, feeling of being valuable and worthy of protection and justice. If your anger isn’t repressed and pushed back, and someone treats you like shit, your anger immediately jumps up to protect you against bullshit. If everyone around you is treated better than you for no apparent reason (nothing you did to deserve it), your anger again jumps up and demands better for you. If someone hurts you really badly, your anger is here to let them know that nobody can get away with hurting you like that, because you matter enough to be protected from harm.

 Anger can be destructive when used wrong, like controlling someone (who is not currently presenting a threat to you), taking shit out on someone who didn’t deserve it, forcing dominance over someone who can’t fight back, and as a way of avoiding being subjected to the truth/called out for abuse. That’s mostly how abusers use it,  and why a lot of victims see it as nothing but toxic, horrible, dangerous and scary thing, and recognizing anger within themselves can give them feeling of dread and like they’re becoming abusive themselves.

Anger in victims presents a problem for abusers, and a lot of victims experience helplessness and inability to be angry or feel anger, even the thought of it makes them feel dreadful and guilty, that’s because abusers make sure in one way or another, that all of victim’s anger will be punished, until they learn they’re not allowed to be angry. This causes anger to build up, now it’s not only  one time injustice and harm has been done, it’s thousands, tens  of thousands time. This is how rage generates within a person, and any further ridicule, provocation or attack from abusers end up with them feeling infuriated, because it’s been too much for a long, long time. 

Anger being built up can eat a person from inside, and it can manifest in self harm, dissociation, numbness/blankness, depression, anxiety. Directing that anger at other people who aren’t the cause of it, doesn’t help much, even in short term it will not give out any resolution. If you haven’t been able to process and feel anger normally for years, it will feel impossible and incredibly frustrating for your body if you start feeling it, and you’ll want it to stop at any price. But, after a while, a person can go back to normal processing of anger, even though, if there’s been a lot of it, it will still mean strong, extreme bursts of rage. 

People who’ve been dealing with pent up anger have already proved to have immense self control, immense survival instincts and aren’t likely to end up  hurting others the way they’ve been hurt, what’s most important is for that anger to be directed back at the cause of it - abusers. It’s vital to develop hatred of those who would dare to harm you while you were vulnerable and unprotected,  this, is exactly what hatred is for. Only expressing anger at abusers, at their actions, their personality, their weaknesses and toxic, abusive choices will erase guilt, anxiety and get you closer to healing. 

playlist updates?

check out my playlists here!

songs to play while hooking up in the backseat 

nobody knows the me that u do

his hair, his smoke, his dreams

having unfinished business with someone

even my phone misses your call, by the way.

a mix of happy, pure, love songs

the ultimate uni beakup playlist??

if that one person said they still loved you

these songs radiate mega in love vibes

i’m a little drunk and i need you now

a love that consumes you but in a good way

literally my favourite songs from when i was in the 7th grade

songs about being in love with your best friend

babe, you look so cool

love songs but pop ish?

i want you, i always will.

idont know what i’m supposed to do, i’m haunted by the ghost of u

real love is never a waste of time

god is a woman aka anthems

i keep dreaming of you so i stopped sleeping

there’s no space in my heart where i don’t want to love you

my new writing playlist

im glad i didn’t die before i met you

if u loved me, why’d you leave me?

every otp ever

i’ve been trying but u don’t hear what i say

i hit u up too often, i’m sorry.

i know u wanna die, so do i, so drag me down.

SIDE A: i should have known i would miss u

SIDE B: i should have known i would mess this up.

sometimes i wonder if these songs make you think of me

getting over u

i still feel all the things i did before when u used to need it more 

everything i wish i could tell you

actually the saddest playlist i’ve made about soulmates?

SIDE A:  you are my favourite ‘what if’

SIDE B: you are my best ‘i’ll never know’

why did i think it was ride or die?

Neglect is abuse. It has the same effect on you. Being last on the priority list of people “have other things to worry about” is not how you grow up into an emotionally healthy person. You will accept being ignored and neglected because it’s whats expected of you. You will be grateful for crumbs of attention and seek for no more, no matter what. You will grow up dealing with every problem alone and learning to not reach out, not ask for help, not take away a second of someone’s precious time for your problems that surely couldn’t matter.

You learn to be quiet and invisible and to not show signs of pain. You learn to blame yourself for not speaking out, for suffering alone, as if you’re doing it on purpose. You learn to cope with being insignificant, because when you’re neglected, that’s a given. Surely, if you were of any importance, someone would care enough to notice, to talk to you, to see if anything’s wrong. To see if you’re drowning in depression and dissociating from the amount of pain you’re in. Surely, what you’re going thru would matter to someone.  

People who don’t care to give you attention are not people who love you and care for you. They don’t raise you, they don’t even learn who you are. And it’s only a matter of time before you fall into resignation and learn that being ignored and sent to the gates of hell to deal with demons all by yourself, is how your life will be. And the more dangerous part – if someone gives you predatory attention, if someone finds something they can use within you, something they can tear away for their own purposes – it will feel welcome, it will make you feel like finally, you’re good for something. Finally, someone is looking at you. You’ll welcome people who use and hurt you, because even that is better than to be completely and utterly abandoned and ignored by the world. Neglect will make you welcome abusers in your life, not only without caution, but with gratitude that even for a moment, you’re not feeling neglected anymore.

Don’t ever date someone with a mental illness if you’re not ready to work through it with them.

If the person you’re crushing on suffers from panic attacks- of any level- and you are there when they have one and you don’t want to “deal with it.”  Do them the favor and leave.  Because there will be days when they can’t breathe and if you won’t hold them or grab them a water or tell them its okay or whatever they need than you are not the one.  If you don’t take their attacks seriously, you are not the one.  This is a real illness.  It can ruin a persons life.  

If the person you’re starting to have feelings for suffers from anxiety, you need to expect that you’ll experience at least one, if not more, while you’re with them. These are not a joke.  We can not calm down.  And if we tell you we don’t know why were are anxious, we really don’t.  Were not lying.  We don’t know why our brain is like this but we can promise you that we are freaking the fuck out.  Ask us what we need.  Be there please.  If this is something you don’t want to “make time for” walk away from this now.

If the person you just started talking to suffers from depression, expect to hold them during breakdowns.  Sometimes we will be sad and cry a lot and not even know why. Certain days you might have to force us out of bed.  Other days you might find us sitting on the bathroom floor with a blank empty stare.  We feel empty.  We feel worthless.  We feel sad.  Pick us up, tell us were worthy, help us be a little bit better.  Don’t leave us anywhere alone, were really scared.  If you can’t handle this because its “too much pressure” please please don’t get involved with us, we don’t like feeling like were a burden.

If the person you’re thinking about dating deals with bipolar disorder, don’t just tell them to take medication.  Don’t tell us we have a problem when we’ve started an hour long fight over you saying a word wrong to us.  We want to stop yelling as well.  We don’t even know why were so mad, and now were crying, and you’re looking at us like were crazy.  Were not taking our medication because we want to be okay without it.  Just let us calm down then try and talk to us.  As hard as it seems for you, its even harder for us.  Were experiencing something because we think we want to but at the same time trying to stop it.  If we have a manic episode we will be very tired afterward and very upset.  Tell us you aren’t mad because what ever we said, we didn’t mean it, and we will overthink it forever.  We hate ourselves but don’t want you to hate us too.  If this is too crazy for you, we understand, just be our friend then.  We don’t want to take our shit out on you but we will, so if you are going to react really badly it’d be better to just not put yourself in the position. 

—–

These aren’t the only illnesses but these are the ones that I live with and suffer from on a daily basis.  It is so important that you help people through these things and stand with them 110%. Spread awareness of these things.

I’m losing weight so slowly, it’s so disheartening…

Have to remember. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If it was easy everyone would do it. This takes time. Every meal skipped and calorie avoided is a step forward. I’ll get there, I’ll get there, I’ll get there.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”

— Pablo Neruda, excerpt from Sonnet XVII (I Do Not Love You…)

Falling out of love taught me eight things-

1. It is surprisingly easy to stop loving someone, no matter how magnificent you once felt together.

2. There will come a time when you have to decide whether or not you can fix whatever went wrong; that decision will haunt you, no matter which way you go.

3. Even if you are no longer in love with someone, you can still care about them and watching them crumble because of you is still something terrible to witness.

4. There will be times when you doubt your feelings (do not tell them unless you are certain- it will only hurt you both).

5. People will ask you what happened and there is no easy way of explaining that you just could not be in love with them anymore.

6. Hearing about them dating someone else is still weird if only because of a leftover imprint of your name beside their’s.

7. You now understand what it feels like to fall out of love and that is something utterly terrifying when contemplated for too long.

8. It will surprise you how long it will take for you to love someone after this; the fear of them leaving you never really resides.

- K.S.