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There's a thing about pre-transition dissociation where like… every positive emotion feels thin and hollow, so living your life is completely based on removing pain rather than bringing in joy. There's no scales to balance, no assets to book against liabilities, just various misfortunes to avoid so you can distract yourself in a state of numb comfort. You ask yourself "would I be happier as a woman" and on one hand you picture all the difficulties, the effort, the prospect of being discriminated against (for being a woman or for being a tranny) and on the other hand you don't picture anything, and so you weigh those two hands up and go "haha yeah trans woman are cool and all but I'm sure I'm not one of them"