Happy Mother's Day I Guess? - Blog Posts

A little sneakpeek of a doodle I'm working on. You get no context...yet.

On mother's day

Mum

I'm sorry

i love you i swear i do i just cant say it. i dont remember the last time i did. i do remember when i promised myself i never would again and now i cant anymore

im sorry and i know you are too i know you love me. you do say it. and you want me to say it back. you hug me and want me to hug you back. you kiss me and want me to kiss you back. i cant. im so sorry.

it hurts and i know it hurts you too. i know, because it kinda was the point. it was payback for hurting me. i was a kid and scared and powerless and the only thing i could take away from you and dad was myself. so i did. as punishment. i didnt know i was punishing myself too. i didnt know i didnt know any better im sorry.

and when we left him i thought we'd be fine. but we're not. we're so obviously not. we're alone with each other and i dont know how to love. and you dont know a lot about me.

you gave me my life and have been with me almost every second of it. and there's so much you don't know. so much i've kept from you. i kept myself from you for too long. i dont know how to give myself back.

and i don't know if you'd want it. if you'd like it. me. if you'd like me.

i remember you wanted me to do ballet, like my cousin. im sorry im black belt now. i remember you wanted me to go shopping with you. im sorry i couldnt care less about it. (i AM sorry. you like it so much and i just dont.) i remember every time i've had to put makeup on and how pretty you say i look. im sorry the mirror makes me want to cry.

im sorry we dont care about the same things. its not that i dont care about you. its not the only way you can care about me.

i remember when i wasnt too excited about doing my hair and you said i might as well have been born a boy im not a boy im just not a girl in the ways you want me to be

i know it hurt that you are not going to my graduation party im sorry, it hurt me too. it hurt me to. I hurt me too. im sorry dad's gonna get mad when he finds out he's not going either. im sorry he hurt us so much.

i remember when you said im cold. im not. i just dont know how to feel out loud. not anymore. not in front of you, anyway. and today you said you hope to at least be invited to my wedding. im sorry i dont know if im ever gonna get married.

but if i marry a girl, would you go?

please go.

im sorry this was such an awful mothers day.

im sorry im sorry im sorry i know im not what you wanted but its all i can be

please understand please love me please forgive me

x your only daughter