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Jared: Hey, are you okay?
Evan: Yeah.
Jared: You don't look okay...
Evan: Then stop looking.
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Evan: Why are you drinking?
Jared: I drink when I'm depressed.
Evan: But you're always drinking?
Jared: *smug grin*
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Jared, trying to comfort Evan: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.
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Miguel: I am in charge of this disaster!
Connor: I have a name, you know.
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Jared: I have issues.
Evan: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is to accept-
Jared: With you.
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Jared: My only talent is being stress.
Alana: Don't you mean stressed?
Jared: No.
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Evan: Are you ever going to listen to me?
Jared: Yes. Absolutely.
Evan: When?
Jared: When you're right.
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Connor: You have your weirdly sincere humility.
Jared: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.
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Jared: What? I'm not aggressive!
Evan: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips?
Jared: Survival of the fittest, bitch.
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Evan: Why are you on fire?
Jared: This is just how my day is going.
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Evan: Dammit! You ruin everything!
Jared, finger-gunning: Your welcome.
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Jared: *Seductively takes off glasses*
Jared: Wow...
Evan: *Blushes* Haha... what?
Jared: You're really fucking blurry.
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Miguel: You remind me of the ocean.
Connor: Because I'm deep and mysterious?
Miguel: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.
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Miguel: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!
Connor: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!
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Connor: I’m sad.
Miguel: Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das.
Miguel: And das not good.
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Jared: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat.
Evan: I don’t usually eat with losers.
Jared: Neither do I but I asked you, didn’t I?
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Jared: Remember what I told you.
Evan: 'Don't be a cunt.'
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Jared: Hey, you wanna tarot card reading?
Evan: Those are Pokemon cards-
Jared: You got a magikarp.
Evan: ...
Jared: It means 'fuck you.'
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Evan: Pardon the intrusion, but-
Jared: On this moment, or just my life in general?
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Connor: I can never give Miguel shit because I’m jealous of him. He looks at his life and says, “Sweet! This is perfect!”
Connor: I look at my life and say, “Welp. Time to get drunk.”
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Evan: How much did you spend on this date?
Jared: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.
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Jared: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.
Evan: But don't you hate yourself.
Jared: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.