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Actually Traumatized - Blog Posts
Finally redrew one of my favorite older ocs💚💚💚 my radioactive traumatized baby Renea!! i made her in for a science project in the 8th grade and she spiralled into a whole X-men/BNHA type universe with over 140 ocs😃 little me went crazy
flashback to when little Bee was lazy and didnt even try to give her black hair🙃
IF YOU HIT YOUR KIDS YOU ARE A MONSTER AND I AUTOMATICALLY DONT TRUST YOU.
END OF STORY.
DONT HIT YOUR FUCKING KIDS. IT HARMS THEM IN THE LONG RUN, GO FUCKING RESEARCH IT.
Endos who claim to want things to be different for them but freak out when they encounter a system with system experiences 💀
We are NOT splitting a guy about it
Putting this here in case Forest decides to spy what i have to say again
Do not do any of the stuff i talk about guys
Pretending to be tougher than you really are won't shield you from the lack of love and affection you experience pretending you don't need it btw.
Grieving the man i could've easily been if only my brain would've developped normally<<<<<
You know what makes me more enraged about this? He kept acting like i was talking about it as if having alters is some funny shit when i hate these fuckers. I want them dead. I'm being so serious when i say if there was a way to detach them from my brain i'll just instantly kill them. I'm suffering here i'm not here for the shits and giggles. Fuck you
I seriously need endos to fuck the hell off, what i go through daily isn't fun quirky little game you can decide to play, it is a fucking trauma response and i actually have to waste tons of my energy not to cause any more unreversible damage to the other alters. Having other people in your head isn't fucking funny, they're not just "friends you can have inside jokes with". It's tiring. It's debilitating. It's not knowing what will happen when you're not in front. Is having the others getting potentially exposed to danger and being unable to do anything to protect yourself and/or the body. It's others hating you for doing exactly what you were formed to do. The shame, the guilt, the self hate you constantly have to carry around that came after years and years of terrible trauma. It can sometimes be fun but the main point is it's a fucking disorder. I can't stand you guys fucking de-medicalising it so that you can enjoy a fake ass romanticised version of it. I hope my traumas hit you all at once. I hope you split a pre self-consciousness me. I wish all the worst to y'all
Call out to my *unhealthy and worse than my actual problems* coping mechanism! It's mental breakdown time again
You know that thing with a ball in a jar, where the ball represents grief and the jar represents you? And while the ball doesn't change, the jar gets bigger, representing that grief doesn't get less, it's just that you grow bigger. When I got first introduced to that concept, it seemed ridiculous. But since then... I know that it's true. There's certain things in my life, if I actively think about them, they get me just as mad and worked up as if they happened yesterday. However, they don't occupy my mind 24/7 anymore, like they did when they did happen recently. And I think that's exactly what they mean with the ball in a jar analogy. And I suppose that's better than nothing.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so resentful, that I wasn't so hateful at times. Hatred does consume your soul in a way. But I can't help it. And for the love of God sometimes I wish people would just understand that.
Like all throughout places like special ed school, or even support groups, I would get bullied relentlessly by people who were neurodivergent or had a mental illness of some kind, and I'd get told "they can't help what they do, just ignore it" or "be nice to them regardless, they already have it hard as is", but I, with the same neurodivergenies and mental illnesses, never get afforded the same treatment. Why don't I get treated like that when my mental illness or trauma makes me say some fucked up shit? Or have violent thoughts? Or have outburts?
Even here on tumblr all I hear is "support people who get angry or violent from mental illness" and stuff like that, but the exact same story. They say something genuinely hurtful, they get defended because they "can't help it", but when I have an episode, I get degraded even further.
Just fuck all the way off. I get it. I fucking get it. I'm the unwanted here. Everybody else is more important than me. But you don't have to be mean about it, and at the very least, don't degrade me for something you defend or even praise others for.
"it will get better"
"it will get better" they told me, aged 11, when puberty really kicked in and felt extremely dysphoric about my body, but didn't know what it was yet, and also got bullied for not being truly either gender.
"it will get better" they told 13 year old me, now aware of what dysphoria was, but still suicidal because of it, and felt terrible for not being accepted as a real boy.
"it will get better" they told 15 year me, who just got sexually assaulted for being trans, as well as missing lots of school(and social development) for being constantly in the hospital to navigate the medical gatekeeping for being trans.
"it will get better" they told 16 year me, still freshly traumatized from being sexually assaulted, and now disabled due to medical abuse and neglect from doctors, as well as failing school due to said disability.
"it will get better" they told 17 year old me, who was getting abused at home, while going to school and working my ass off at a minimum wage job, trying to save whatever I could while also trying to sustain myself.
"it will get better" they told 18 year me, still being abused and barely graduating high school, while fighting with my mom to let me attend the college I want, while still not having fully recovered from being temporarily disabled.
"it will get better" they told 19 year old me, now living on college campus, stuck doing a degree I don't truly want, but my parents won't let me chance. I'm succumbing to depression, adhd, and anxiety, but who cares. My body has most of its functions back but will never be the same. Still dysphoric and suicidal every day despite transitioning.
It will get better. When, my love, when? It's almost been a decade of being suicidal every single day, as well as being abused and to a degree, disabled. Some people's foundation for life crumbles, I didn't have one to begin with.
on top of that, a decade is a pretty long time. Would you expect a person to undergo cancer treatment for 10 years, only for it to not be solved? You'd feel sympathetic, right? Maybe even feel bad for them? You wish their suffering would just be over.. Why is this any different? Why am I suddenly "just not strong enough" or "just try harder"?
I'm genuinely convinced it'll never get better. I don't really have any (easy) method of... you know what, but I still want to "commit" every single day. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe it will never get better.
and I would rip myself apart for you,
crack open my ribcage and let you
take whatever you wanted.
but you have been teaching me
that you do not need me to,
that I do not need me to.
Tumblr is scary, because i enter one vlog because i saw a lighter with cute bear on it and then i scroll and get jumpscated by a full color image of the daily life of Mai-chan.
U can re through all that this person has provided information but plz spread the word bc this is just wrong. Like Ortho is basically a full ass child and honestly it's super fucking disturbing that ppl see him that way.
IMPORTANT WARNING FOR Y’ALL¡¡¡
Tw: pedophilia(???) Ortho smut fic is basically the problem.
This brought my attention because a mutual of mine told me.
@/ sliver-key made a post about a person writing dead dove of ORTHO. I simply wanted to warn yall of creator @/TWSTEDFORYOU. If you aren’t aware of what dead dove is; it’s basically NSFW but worse. Although we aren’t aware of Ortho’s age he is literally obviously a minor, he looks like one and acts like one. So it’s absolutely wrong in MANY levels.
i have proof of course.
link
screenshot of it
If you still support this creator despite this disgusting act DNI. Even if Ortho is a fictional character it is still extremely wrong and disturbing.
I may update this post once i gain and search for more info as to why this creator is just so… ugh.
Someone/anyone in the community should be free to adopt the yokai AU since the concept is actually great. It’s just the author that well… absolutely ruins it.
THIS.
Endos arent a part of syspunk bcause ableism isnt punk
therapy resources / schema therapy / dbt/dialectical behaviour therapy / internal family systems / meditation / c-ptsd etc. resources
this is a link to my personal google drive, it has lots of dbt stuff, some random other resources that either i or my friends have found helpful incl. DID/OSDD/dissociation resources, & some handouts from a personality disorder program i did (was aimed at pplwbpd officially but the staff all refer to it as the "personality disorder clinic", fwiw)
bunch of other stuff under the cut including video content if that's more your thing
DBT stuff
this subreddit is a wonderful community, usually helpful with questions & has some resources linked also:
https://www.reddit.com/r/dbtselfhelp/ https://dbtselfhelp.com/
TIPP skills (from dbt/distress tolerance unit but deserves distinction. biochemical benefit > psychological benefit. at least for me)
https://manhattancbt.com/dbt-tipp-skills/ https://in.nau.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/202/TIP-Skills.pdf
also emotional freedom tapping / eft (not a tipp skill iirc but it should be, one of the few things that kinda works for me)
https://www.health.com/emotional-freedom-technique-8399985
SCHEMA THERAPY
"client's guide to schema therapy"
https://disarmingthenarcissist.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/clientsguideSchemaTherapy.pdf
(the website name is very questionable but i can't find the pdf for free anywhere else orz. this is a good starting point for schema therapy tho. sorry y'all. i will steal it for my google drive when i have time)
https://www.psychologytools.com/professional/therapies/schema-therapy
^THAT LINK stuff is not free!!! BUT you can find a lot of them with this google search:
[title of worksheet/handout] -site:psychologytools.*
ex. i search the following: "unhelpful thinking styles" -site:positivepsychology.* ...and this pops up, tadaaaa:
https://talkheart2heart.org/resources/unhelpful-thinking-styles/
(i'm just linking the paid site because i cant find them gathered like that anywhere else… dont have time to search each one individually rn lol. maybe another day)
free stuff:
https://positive.b-cdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Schemas-Needs-and-Modes-Reference-Sheet.pdf (overview) https://bmcpsychology.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40359-020-0392-y/tables/1 (more detailed info on each schema) http://www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm (more info on modes) https://positivepsychology.com/schema-therapy-worksheets/ (a few worksheets linked on that page)
if video content is more your thing:
DBT UNITS:
interpersonal effectiveness extras: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwPrhSDQ0V_tBg36U3wWZpLopxJBurSsq
"middle path" skills: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwPrhSDQ0V_uB2e7Y570ihYBEYd7dK9Sv
"radically open" skills: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwPrhSDQ0V_udTjVVHhz5e1wzOSDyVeN2
DBT expanded edition: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwPrhSDQ0V_vjlYkkflUDRmfhw_hM13M-
more DBT, videos by Dr. Thomas R. Lynch: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLkKKzTWUSjRhnRr5Pe2GMA7VDg_E8wBcm
DBT skills animations:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4Qw4-tlRJe-T2l5MtFOsLkTIkfZqjobY
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FAMILY SYSTEMS + ATTACHMENT
Patrick Teahan channel:
(great channel run by a mental health practitioner who has experienced childhood trauma, he gets it. check out the playlists tab. he also has some free resources/worksheets on his website which is linked on his channel iirc)
attachment styles playlist by Jennifer May, Ph.D: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwPrhSDQ0V_smHuEjj2CxW4u7J_FozLlS
Crappy Childhood Fairy channel: https://www.youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy/playlists
(cptsd content mostly, haven't watched much of her stuff but i liked what i did see. she isn't certified but she is someone who experienced childhood trauma as well).
healing cptsd (small channel, few videos but good info iirc): https://www.youtube.com/@healingfromcomplexptsd2767
MEDITATION
(i cannot recommend her channel enough… i don't watch her longer videos/seminar(?) stuff but her meditation videos are like. actually helpful lol? i find a lot of that stuff not helpful at all but something about her is very calming and open and grounding. love her)
--
MISC
Rachel Richards massage channel:
https://www.youtube.com/@rachelrichardsmassage9660/playlists
(she has some great videos for somatic symptoms... some playlists focus on anxiety relief, breathing/relaxation, posture/mobility, sleep, etc.)
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Dr Daniel Fox channel:
https://www.youtube.com/@DrDanielFox/videos
(cw: ableism/ableist language toward cluster b's is present on this channel, he just has a LOT of videos so i include the link... like if youre looking for something specific to do with pd traits, there's a good chance you can find SOMETHING here. *i have mixed cluster b traits incl. the more demonized ones disclaimer*. but yeah steer clear if that bothers you)
-
Struthless channel:
(mostly adhd/exec dysfunction/motivational advice stuff but i find his videos like actually kinda inspiring/motivating so i'm including it here since not a lot of stuff... feels motivating to me at all ever. but i never regret clicking on his vids! good motivational speaker lol)
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that's all i can think of rn please lmk if any of the links are broken or like... if you have a question u think i can help w ^-^
unstable/foggy/nonexistent identity core is constantly shifting between million aesthetics, life choices, styles, etc. and never being satisfied or at home with anything
guys the tag was literally made for DID/OSDD/CDD FOLKS ONLY PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM IT!!!! you already have pluralpink why the fuck do you need to steal ours now??? istg it's not funny anymore how you whine about being excluded everywhere and having nowhere to go MEANWHILE YOU LITERALLY STEAL OUR SPACES and invade every single trauma survivors tag!!!!
if you want to be respected for what you are, STOP TAKING TERMS AND TAGS THAT ARE NOT YOURS. MAKE YOUR OWN
I GET IT I GET IT !!!
realizing youre Real is .weird,,
like you can exist for Years??? never noticing??? never thinking about Yourself. assuming you are the host, or assuming you are another alter.
it is WEIRD to sit there with your morning coffee, having a conversation, and just suddenly the stars align . and you realize how different you are from "you" . you realize you werent "you", you were actually YOU the whole time.
I KNOW THIS DOESNT MAKE SENSE BUT I HOPE SOMEONE GETS IT
Bpd is not being able to love yourself unless someone else loves you, but never fully believing that they could actually love someone like you.
"F*ck you my child is completely fine!"
your child listens to "Call them brothers" by Only son and Regina Spektor on repeat at 1am