Ima Just Leave This Here. No One Should Get Offended By Any Of This Because This Is Literally Saying

Ok so.

We've had a chronic package thief in our building recently. Usually its a very safe building so this is unusual behavior. They had the misfortune of taking one of my pet food orders (75lbs of mouse food) and apartment management was useless so I took it into my own hands.

See, I have a lot of snakes. So I happen to have things like dead rats just lying around. So I took a little box, decorated with some nice washi tape that made it look like it contained jewelry (crystal motif) and addressed it to a nonexistent unit underneath the name "Bill Zibub" and left it in the lobby. It disappears, as expected.

A few days pass and I smell something bad in the hall.

I go to the lobby and I find my dead rat package, very clearly torn open and hastily wrapped back up, with the rat back in it. But what's better is, it got returned with a BUNCH of other mail. They stole a bunch of shit, opened the rat, decided they had enough and brought all that shit BACK.

I know for a fact that the thief brought them back because they appeared in the lobby late at night way past package delivery time (and if the activity I heard was any indicator, the thief lives on floor 2)

I was thinking the thief might return the rat pack in disgust but I am tickled PINK they brought back other stuff.

This is the best prank I've ever played. It sounds so fake. It feels so scripted. I never in a million years thought they'd actually be inspired to return mail over it. This is gonna be my "then everyone clapped" story for the rest of my life.

Fuck around and find out.

Back at it again with the retro wave generator

I am on a lot of cold medication right now

Tears fill my eyes as I read the words on my screen. The world seems to stop spinning for the slightest second as I re-read the anonymous message over and over again, gripping on to the hope that the words will magically disappear. But they didn’t. Anon had done it; they’d figured out that the only way to make me take off my hijab was to call my hair ugly. My one weakness.

A tear streams down my left cheek.

Eight years of academy hijab training…wasted. I had to prove this extremely relevant and good-looking anonymous person wrong, I cared too much about what they thought. How could I live my life knowing that there is one person out there who thinks probably my hair is ugly maybe? How could I look myself in the mirror? How could I face my family? My shoulders shook as I cried silently, and my chair squeaked ever so slightly at the vibrations; as if it, too, was crying in sorrow.

It wasn’t until that moment that the second part of the message dawned on me… how would I prove them wrong without breaking the rules? Was it really against the rules? I reach into my hijab and pull out a scroll. At the very top, in cursive jet-black inked letters, the word ‘Rules’ stares back at me. My heart is racing as my eyes frantically read the scroll.

‘Rule #1: no killing people,’ it reads. I let out a whimper. There go my evening plans. 

Suddenly, my eye catches the next words. The scroll is rustling in my trembling hands as I turn my face away, tears spraying out of my eyes like the spit of a white person as they try to justify racism. The cursive words felt more like a curse of words, vivid and refusing to disappear as if I were still staring at them even through my closed eyes.

Rule #2: don’t show ur hair girl it’s ugly lmaooooo

idk if i posted this yet but this is the video that popped into my head when my friend said she may join a sorority

Jesus: You will deny me 3 times

Peter: I would never

*Jesus is arrested 5 seconds later*

Bystander: Isn’t that your friend?

Peter:

I’m not into pranking people, so I decided I’d show you some animals that look silly instead.

Andean Cock of the Rocks (ALWAYS WATCHING)

Arabian sand boas (DOING THEIR BEST)

Dik diks (SMALL?????????)

Softshell turtles (SMOOTH BOYS)

Christmas tree worms (FESTIVE FRIENDS)

Saiga antelopes (I LOVE YOU BUT WHY)

Baikal seals (ROUND BOYS)

White couples that adopt non-white kids

why you should all consider getting chickens

a small backyard, a decent fence and the will to make a safe coop for your fluffy dames is all you need to make it happen

they will eat your vegetable scraps and gobble down pretty much any kind of food waste, turning discarded crusts and mushy fruit into big fat eggs full of protein!

and depending on which breed you buy, they will lay an egg almost every day. free, nutritious food every morning! what other pet will do that?

it’s a misconception that eating eggs is inherently cruel, or that you need a rooster for your chickens to lay eggs! all the eggs you buy in supermarkets are unfertilised, which means there is no chance of that egg ever hatching. you’re not eating a potential life, your chickens will lay eggs regardless of whether there’s a rooster around

so only buy a rooster to go with your lovely ladies if you want baby chicks - otherwise, just get some girls and enjoy those omelettes!

the way cage egg farms are run is terrible, and you can’t always be sure that a free range farm is as idyllic as the picture you see on the carton. lots of sad chookies who can’t perch or scratch or eat grass and clean themselves. :( 

this way, you will always be certain that your girls are happy, healthy, doing what chicken are meant to do and eating what chickens should be eating, which means bigger and better eggs for you!

you can give eggs to your friends! give eggs to strangers! eggs for everyone!

tiny and furious lawnmowers. chickens LOVE grass, especially clover. if you have a small backyard, they will do all the work of keeping the grass trimmed. 

a caution, pls buy your chicken a friend - they will get lonely if you only buy one. my friend had two chickens and one died, leaving Gizmo all alone. she got depressed and stopped laying, so they put her in the rabbit hutch. now she has a best friend bunny called Jimmy and she’s very happy! she often sits on him and purrs.

chickens are good around most other pets - cats and chickens usually regard each other with mutual indifference and disdain, but they generally bond with dogs. however, if you know your pooch or kitty is particularly aggressive, make sure you check it won’t be a problem!

scratch scratch scratch, scratch party!!

one time I was cleaning out the stables and my chicken came over, saw that I was using a big rake and went !!!! scratch time!!! and she started scratching furiously next to me like she was trying to help

they’re very clean animals and will clean themselves every day with a dust bath and a thorough preening

when it starts raining it takes them a good 10 seconds to process what’s happening, then they RUN to shelter

gloriously stupid tiny velociraptor running

peck peck peck. is food? I check! peck. not food!

rip all snails and slugs that live in your garden

they will also go after mice and spiders

chicken poop is great fertiliser! when you clean out their coop, spread the poo on your garden and watch your flowers and veggies grow!

kiddos LOVE chickens!!

seriously, looking after chickens is a great job for little kids - any little fella can fill up their water and give them some food, and collecting a warm, fresh egg every morning is so rewarding for them!!! 

hours of entertainment watching their antics

some (not all) like a cuddle! the ladies will let you know what their preference is. they may also gently peck and groom you because they love you.

you can give them fancy names like lottie, ethel and lady beatrice so it sounds like they’re a supporting cast in a Jane Austen novel

in conclusion give a pretty chicken a happy home today