The Only Reason Why I Haven’t Killed Myself (yet) Is Because I Gotta Reach My Goal Weight First

Anorexia And Bulimia Are Not Pretty

They are not pretty like the thinspo. It’s not high-waisted shorts, crop tops, and thigh high socks. It’s not cute clothes, compliments, and delicate skin. It’s not looking hot in coffee shops, fitting into tight spaces, and being able to be lifted. It’s not polite “No thank you”s and dainty shakes of the head. That’s not what and it is. 

It’s leaning over a toilet and throwing up the calorie filled chicken parm your mom made especially for you. It’s closing yourself off from entire events if there is even a chance of food. It’s crying in the bathroom when you only dropped five pounds that week when you needed seven. It’s looking in the mirror and seeing every bone and still believing you’re not skinny enough. It’s seeing clothes you were never able to wear before but still wanting to be a size 0. It’s freezing cold showers that make your fingers numb. It’s sleepless nights because your bones make it uncomfortable to lay down. It’s unconsciously pinching and pulling at your body in public. It’s seeing the bump on your lower abdomen and believing that it’s all fat. It’s thinking about getting a rib removed so you can look thinner. It’s lonely weekends because your friends want to go to the movies and out to eat but it’s your fasting day and can’t be stopped now. It’s under eye bags and fragile limbs. It’s smiling and saying no when we want to stuff our faces. It’s passing out because we haven’t eaten for a week. It’s trying to deceive the doctor into thinking that our small frame could really hold 130 pounds. It’s painful. It’s scary. It seems like it will never end. We tell ourselves we’ll stop here but, in the back of our minds, we’re not sure if we can. It’s hating everything about yourself and only feeling like you’re worth something when you’re not eating. It’s low electrolytes, a raw throat, and scarred fingers. It’s exercising until you want to faint. It’s being terrified that your weight will shoot up if you eat one chip. It’s scarfing down five servings of something to make the pain go away and crying for hours after. And this is not even the half of it. 

There are so many other eating disorders a person could go through and they’re all hell. Ask someone if they really love what they’re doing. Most if not all the time a person will say they hate it. It’s killing yourself and we know it. But here we are. So no. EDs are not pretty. Don’t ask me to teach you to get one.

(I’m sorry but I’ve actually been asked in real life and on the internet how to become anorexic or bulimic. And I hate it. They think it’s an amazing thing. An amazing way to drop a few pound in a month and get off once they drop a size. I just needed to rant about it a bit cause I’m tired. DON’T ASK ME HOW TO GET AN ED I WILL NOT TELL YOU! I would not give an ed to my worst enemy. So I will certainly not give the tools to a friend or even a stranger.)

No, you don't want to binge

You don’t want to feel those minutes of pleasure on your tongue, just to hate you for hours and days. Sweets aren’t worthy of your self-respect. Are they? No, they aren’t. You don’t want to binge, you want to be proud of yourself. You don’t want to fill your body with unnecessary calories, you want people to think “how the hell did she get that body????”. Take a pretty mug, fill it with cold water or green tea and drink. You need to chew? Apples are friendly, sweets and snacks are like heroin: they destroy you, they make you dependent, they make you a (fat) zombie that only goes for another dose.

Note to self:

work fucking harder. suffer in silence and let your success do the talking

♥~ Truth ~♥

You know how badly I wish I were naturally skinny with a fast metabolism so I wouldn’t have to fucking worry about this and fight urges and cravings my entire life???

gay thinspo because i’m feeling super gay rn oop

What do you do when you workout?

I finished my second workout and now I’m having some tea (mixture of mint, chamomile, and ginger). I’m starting to feel pretty weak but I’m hoping my coffee helps me get through a workout tomorrow. The good thing about this diet is that when I didn’t eat for 5 days, I didn’t have the energy to workout for 3 days (could barely get myself up the stairs!), but it felt AMAZING to be able to workout again. so if I can’t muster up a lot of energy to workout as much these next tens days, then it’s going to feel amazing once I do again. And I’ll be back home which means I’ll have my weights and I’ll be able to lift heavy and just I’m excited.

˚✧₊⁎ Leg Check ⁎⁺˳✧༚ Feet are blue because of the cold…