Zella-rose - Zella Rose

‘Doing your best’ looks different for everyone, it’s important not to compare yourself to those around you, especially if you’re struggling. Be kind to yourself, and be proud of what you achieve today <3

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I feel like narcissistic mothers go together with avoidant children like peanut butter and jelly. Actually, narcissistic mothers go together with a lot of things, kind of like you can have peanut butter and bananas, peanut butter and honey, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff…

AvPD recovery: Self-esteem.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD isolates you from being truly connected, being part of the world.

It keeps you from creating trust-filled, satisfying relationships.

It also keeps you from connecting with yourself, like I wrote about in another post.

It keeps you from truly feeling -- and even sometimes recognizing -- your own emotions, your own wishes.

Most of all, being this way hurts.

Avoiding our feelings and being detached from ourselves is not normal.

And just like the pain of a physical injury, this pain is a reaction that comes from seeking wholeness. It’s calling attention to a real problem.

It’s okay to try and fix the problem.

It’s okay to pay attention to how you feel.

Even if it’s negative.

Yes! Even if it’s absolutely terrible.

Ignoring bad feelings is sometimes necessary for survival. And if it is for you right now, you probably already know it. That’s okay, and you can probably still do a lot of these things.

Remember: There’s no right or wrong way to heal.

Find a place where you can be absolutely alone, on purpose.

A place where there isn’t anyone who will judge you or make fun of you -- a place just for you, like a private journal or sketchbook or blog. Even the best option will probably feel kind of uncomfortable, so don’t obsess over finding the perfect outlet for this!

Do whatever you can to make it feel safe and out of reach from everyone.

And then spend time there, regularly.

Once you get used to it, try noticing what it’s like to not have anybody looking over your shoulder.

Can you even imagine it? It’s a terrible contradiction that we spend so much time alone, but so little time feeling un-watched. Free of observers and judging eyes.

See if you can get to know your feelings.

Within the protection of your solitude, try writing about your feelings. Or drawing or singing or collaging about them -- whatever works for you.

It doesn’t have to be pretty, and it’s okay if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s a skill, and you have to gain proficiency just like with any other skill. You'll get there; it doesn’t matter how slow or fast that happens.

As long as you’re trying, you’re making progress.

If you learn one tiny thing about yourself, or if you get a little more used to expressing yourself -- then it’s a success.

Experiment with being nice to yourself sometimes.

This is so, so hard, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to try.

But when you are, just try being kind to yourself. Try being gentle. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt once in a while.

And if you can’t do it, try not to hate yourself too much for failing. It’s OK -- if "official permission” existed, this would be it: You don’t have to punish yourself.

Do things that feel good.

Just because they feel good. It’s OK to do that.

In particular, look for things that just sound like they would be nice, right about now. Something that you just ... feel like doing.

Even if it’s only a tiny thing, like making yourself a cup of tea, or taking a nice bath, or re-reading your favorite book.

Learn what it feels like to want something, and learn what it’s like to give yourself something good.

Try to consciously look for “wins.”

After doing anything, if you find yourself retracing your mistakes, blaming yourself, or feeling sick and anxious and guilty -- take a minute to redirect your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what went right? In what ways did I succeed?

It doesn’t matter if your brain is throwing lots of fails and embarrassment at you; that’s like a TV channel that never turns off. You don’t have to pay attention to it all the time. Just, when you have the energy to, deliberately focus on the good anyway.

The smallest success still counts: “Hey, I remembered what building my class is in! I was basically on time! I didn’t trip over anyone! I learned something!” Even if you have to name truly silly things for “wins,” start with those.

The point is giving yourself credit, instead of bringing yourself down.

And you might be surprised at how well things actually went -- when you start looking at how well they went, instead of how badly.

These things are the heart of recovering from AvPD...

...in my opinion, and in my own experience. Because this is how you recover your self-esteem.

The simple way to see AvPD is that other people judge and hurt us.

But the more complex truth is that their judgment only has the power to affect us that much, because we’ve never claimed the right to judge for OURSELVES.

We never learned to like ourselves, or to be kind to ourselves. We never learned to take care of ourselves. To own who we are, as human beings. To decide OUR OWN value.

That takes some intense courage. But you don’t have to do it all at once.

Every single thing I listed here is about:

reclaiming your inner life for yourself,

finding your feelings and wishes again,

practicing taking care of your feelings.

Taking care of yourself means healing shame. It means giving yourself value.

We all need to be validated, listened to, cared for, and given positive value. We need dignity.

But when you can give those things to yourself in abundance, you don’t have to rely on other people’s scraps for your self-esteem.

And that’s how you get free. The fear will still be there. But it won’t control you.

The one thing you can control is how you treat yourself. And that one thing can change everything.

Leeana Tankersley (via psych2go)

Mindy is a kind name. Mindy is a peaceful name. It's just soothing to say, even. Mindy sounds like fairy lights and cool breezes and a gentle smile at soft music wafting over the night.

Ah, this made me cry 💜 Thank you

shoutout to all of us adults with trauma figuring out how to navigate identifying the need for boundaries, setting boundaries, and trying to be assertive in doing so. 

Any advice on how to approach tough conversations with my parents without getting overwhelmed and crying?

-Keep in mind that not every discussion is a fight. It doesn’t have to turn into a fight.

-Think about what you want to say on beforehand. You can write your ideas if possible so you don’t miss any point or get lost within the conversation.

-Tell your parents that you want to talk about something important. Schedule a brief time with them in which they can give you their attention.

-Let them know why talking about that subject is important for you.

-Your emotional well being goes first. If the thing is getting ugly you can ask to pause the conversation and re take it when everybody is more calm (this particular tip has made wonders in the relationship with my mom).

-Keep your voicetone calm but steady. Don’t shout, and try to not get heated. Remember that it’s a conversation. Don’t get defensive even if they do. The outcome might not be what you wanted and that might be frustrating but try to stay calm.

-Some phrases that might help are:

“I would like to know what you think of (the subject)”

“Why do you think that way? What are your concerns?”

“I understand why you say it but I do not agree”

“From my point of view…”

“I would appreciate if you could give thought to (subject)” and negotiate a partial agreement

“I don’t agree with that but I respect your decision/ will support you”

-If things don’t go your way you can always try again when armed with resources.

And even if the outcome isn’t what you wanted I am already proud of you for speaking out. I believe you and support you.

there’s something about living life deliberately…wearing clothes that you actually want to and that you feel reflect you and your style not just because you’ve had them for years and don’t know what else you would throw on….listening to songs and creating playlists that excite you and represent your actual mood not just listening to songs that you’ve had downloaded for years that don’t make you feel anything special anymore…it’s VERY easy to stay with what you’re comfortable and it might take a bit of experimenting before you find what feels like a deliberate choice that reflects more of YOU but it’s absolutely worth the leap of faith you may have to convince yourself to make in order to stop feeling like a passenger in your own life

“Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version of you―and go after those things as if nothing else matters. Because, actually, nothing does.”

— George Saunders

AvPD theory: social perfectionism

Avoidance as social perfectionism.

“This relationship will be doomed from the start ... so there’s no point trying to make friends.”

“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward ... so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”

“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable ... so there’s no point in reaching out.”

These examples share some common links:

negative self-esteem

avoidance of anxiety/discomfort

seeking control and certainty

trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them

Thoughts, anybody?

(more here!)