tw// mentions of blood and slaughter (not graphically described) Sometimes, I look into my mother's eyes and I wonder what she truly sees? Does she see me or the sight of a little girl who once was free? A girl that soon was forced to clumsily grow up under the weight of familial expectations beyond extreme. Sometimes, I look into my mother's eyes and I wonder, I truly wonder what my mother sees when she looks at me.
Am I still her precious little girl? One created from the most delicate of flower petals, the warmth of the first rays of dawn, the patience of a familiar ordinary thing—a World's Best Mom mug. Maybe. Or does she perhaps see me as an accommodation? One I know her heart made room in a tight life; a difficult space to receive. Another burden. Maybe she sees a silly little girl handed not one, nor two, nor three…but six toddlers to take care of. Of course, still not yet counting all the other little children playing in oversized adult suits.
Sometimes, I look into my mother's eyes and I wonder what she truly sees? Perhaps I was being too soft, too idealistic with my words before. Maybe she sees me as the inconvenience I know I am to her somewhere deep down. A culmination of early regrets, a dozen of 'too soons', a handful of 'not readys', a pinch of resentment and a drink of guilt induced apologies to wash it all down.
What should I feel guilty for this time, mother? Your husband's indifference, your mother's relentless disappointment, the dreams you had to give up, the weight of the world you have been insistent on carrying? Perhaps I should apologize for being your only daughter.
What should I feel guilty for today mother? Just let me know. Because everytime I look in your eyes, I see the sweetest little girl who would serve her heart on a platter if it means another person could have one more moment to feel the comforting beating. I see a little body trembling but oh so filled with determination–to get this right; to bring everyone along even if it means pushing a boulder uphill. She wants to get this right. She needs to get this right.
But do you know mother, that when I look into your eyes I see nothing but a little girl deserving of tender love? A girl I would sacrifice my own heart for if it means she would get another moment to stay her curious and wonderful self. So what should I feel guilty for this time mother? Just let me know. Because although in your eyes, I may be a sacrificial lamb upon an altar of shame and guilt that was never yours to carry, I would still allow you to slaughter me upon that altar. Maybe the warmth of my blood would comfort you—maybe that warmth would finally reach you. Or perhaps it would touch the hands of all the women prior, who suffered the same fate as you.
To be fair, I indeed do not know; I am pondering after all. This can be full of assumptions, illusions or maybe some truths. One thing I do know is I would continuously extend my hand of unconditional love towards that little girl even in death for she deserves the world. If only you'd finally let her see it too.
~Elunara W.
"I wonder if the wind giggles in fondness or even gasps in excitement when they discover a being who hangs windchimes. I wonder if the air stops for just a moment in complete awe…as if breathless at the sight of glistening beams under the sun's rays. I wonder if it then rushes forward, a complete, wholehearted laugh swishing by…oh so willing to play a tune. I wonder how many people truly hear the whispers and hums of the pure wind. Maybe it can be a lonely thing sometimes but oh I still wonder…the absolute joy in finally playing its own unique tune, oh so open and willing to sing for anyone who'd stop for a second to listen." ~Elunara W.
Visualisation of wind weaving through wind chimes. We should stop and listen to the song of the wind sometimes. Maybe we may learn a thing or two <3
Dear little one, I see you laying here again today. Another day passes by and of course I’m here to stay. We’ve been through it all, more than anyone would know. I’ve seen your smiles, your cries and the tears in yourself you tried so hard to sew. Yes, I’ve seen it all, whether messy or pretty. All of it. You’re adorable, little one, you must know you truly are even with all the wrappers from chocolates and candy bars. I’ve been here since the moment you were taken to me. From then on our relationship has never ceased and even in the silence of the night, you’ve never been truly alone. I wished every time little one, oh so desperately wished to wipe your tears and give you a little kiss. I’m always here and here I’ll of course always stay yet, sometimes I worry. I’ll surely miss you when you need to go away. I start to wonder at times if you’ll miss me like I’ll miss you, then I remember your glistening eyes and the warmth of your lingering touch. You reached out and for the first time, our hands pressed together like a light embrace. You smiled at me, oh so tenderly little one, so gently sweetheart, I almost missed the firm promise you tucked into the folds of my concrete heart. “Thank you, for being my home” those simple words. Six simple words in that soft tone of yours, little one. I knew that those words came from your heart that shone, resonated from the memories we hold together. Missing you, indeed I’ll miss you more than I’ll ever be able to say but my heart, my love, my safety raised you to fly away. With the bright lavender of my skin, I’ll always keep your lofty words here safely, waiting. Waiting. Waiting patiently for your return, I know I’ll see that lovely smile of yours again someday. After all, home was never truly this whole house but the space we created within my four walls. ~Elunara W.
—Letter to my inner child from the perspective of my childhood bedroom~
The Life of The Candle
"I wonder if the candle wick knows of pain. I wonder if it feels grief as it eventually withers away. Or perhaps…I wonder if it knows of the beautiful light it radiates, the soft, comforting glow within the darkness. Maybe that makes it worth it. Maybe the candle dances unapologetically as itself, unabashedly giving off such a bright light. Maybe it knows of its temporary time here….temporary time to leave a mark. Does the candle wick feel grief or does it fade away with a last laugh, leaving behind a cheeky wink in its wake? Who knows…? But we do know that it shines brightly." ~Elunara W. Gaining a new perspective of life through the eyes of a candle
The Spirit of Adventure
I was pondering about the spirit or nature of adventure; of play. And I think play is such an integral aspect within one's lifestyle but it is often suppressed with more work, more productivity—play is met with this subconscious mindset of needing to do more so we can possibly "earn" it. But play is not something to be earned necessarily. Play has always been more than a pass time...it is a basic necessity. It naturally invokes curiosity, exploration and this is how we stumble upon some of the most beautiful and unique experiences or discoveries in our lives. Think about it...when playing video games, often times along the way, we stumble upon secret achievements or hidden rewards for being playful; being silly. And often times, these are achievements we do not expect or foresee but they spark such joy and delight within oneself. Sometimes wandering off and exploring a game map culminates all these fulfilling side quests—throwing that random basketball into the oh-so-conveniently placed hoop, popping that misplaced balloon with a spiky ball you collected a minute ago or crawling into that weird space that's shaped oddly similar to the size of your in-game avatar. And what do we receive for our random spark of curiosity...? A reward. And other times we may receive or discover absolutely nothing special but at least we'd have something to giggle about and more to explore. I find that very precious. That feeling of limitless potential...that anything is possible if I at least try. To be able to allow oneself to venture into the unknown at times and let oneself be led by curiosity and playfulness is something we all need to some degree in our lives. I've found that life is filled with many of such side quests that, in hindsight, leave an irreplaceable impression—these experiences are truly invaluable.
~Elunara W.
if you can pray. if you can love. if you can create. if you can share. you are blessed.
wait i'm literally living the life my female ancestors dreamed of i can't waste it
Somewhere between the weight of what’s been, the exhaustion of what is, and the fear of what might come next, remind yourself that you have survived every version of yourself before this one; and will survive this too.
Weekly Artsy Post~ ~whimsicweaver
Weekly Artsy Post inspired by the wise spirit of dragonflies~ ~whimsicweaver
༊*·˚Writer*·˚༊ ༊*·˚Incoming word musings *·˚༊ ༊*·˚Magic is made of the same things we are. Hope, Love and a sprinkle of Stardust*Stardust*·˚~S.K Williams ༊*·˚
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