MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: Su!c!de Attempt, Graphic Description Of Bl00d, Mentions Of Death, Medical Procedure

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: Su!c!de attempt, graphic description of bl00d, mentions of death, medical procedure talk, loss of pregnancy, PTSD, lots and lots of angst, mentions of drinking.

Female!reader, love triangle with Steve and Bucky (kinda?)

Word count: roughly 2,076

Please don't read if any of these warnings will trigger you :)

I'M SO SORRY PLEASE DON'T HATE ME

✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿

Bucky's eyes snapped open, his advanced hearing honing in on the soft wails coming from down the hall. It was you, it always you. He inhaled sharply and pushed himself out of his warm bed, his dog tags clinking against his bare chest. It gets worse when Steve isn't here; your night terrors. He's the only one that can rock you back to sleep, soothing your tear stained cheeks and calming your raging mind. Bucky isn't very good at it, but he can get the job done.

His door slid open and he walked quietly down the hallway, careful not to wake anybody else up. Tony had to semi soundproof your room. When you first came to live in the compound, your screams would keep everyone up all night. Now only Bucky and Steve could hear your cries, which often made for sleepless nights. But lately it’s been getting better, which he was thankful for. Both for your sake and his sake.

Bucky stopped in front of your door, expecting it to just slide open like it normally does. But it didn't. Confused, he waved his hand in front of the sensor but it didn't budge. "Friday?" He yawned, annoyed. What couldn't Tony just put in normal doors? They're so much simpler. "What's wrong with the door?"

"It seems that Ms. Y/L/N has locked it." Strange. You never lock it.

"Well, unlock it." He snapped back at the AI.

"I cannot. She has over-ridden my capabilities to unlock it."

"What?" Bucky asked, suddenly more awake. The hairs on his arms stood up and a gut wrenching feeling began to churn in his stomach. He could hear you on the other side, still crying. "Y/N!" Bucky yelled pounding on the door. The cries grew harder. "Y/N open the door!"

"Go away!" You screamed. "Just go!" This wasn't a night terror, you were awake. “I don’t need you, Bucky!”

"Friday, get Tony down here." Bucky yelled, pounding on the door again. "Y/N please just open the door! Let me help!"

"Don't need your help." There was the sound of the bathtub starting up. "Just go."

"Bucky,” A tired voice groaned from behind him. Sam. "It's 2:30 in the morning, why in the hell are you screaming."

"Y/N locked us out." He muttered, pressing his ear against the door. He could hear you whimpering on the other side. "Friday can't open it."

"Friday, get Tony-"

"He is on his way." She replied back. "Ms. Y/N also disabled her cameras. I can't see inside there either."

"Y/N!" Bucky tried again, his voice cracking just enough for him to notice. Hopefully not enough for Sam to notice.

"Does someone wanna tell me why I am down here in the middle of the god damn night?" Another voice said behind them.

"Just get the fucking door open." Bucky snarled. Tony took note of the worry and urgency in his voice and unlatched a panel that was next to the door. He moved some wires around and the door hissed open.

Bucky rushed in and the state of your room hit him like a truck. It was a wreak. Your mattress was halfway off of its frame, your dresser was knocked over with all the clothes torn out, and there was a smashed chair in the corner. You had also punched out your mirror, making Bucky's footsteps crunch as he walked through her room. How did he not hear this? Why didn't he wake up? But that's not what bothered Bucky. His nose instantly picked up on a coppery smell that stung the inside of his nostrils, making him instantly nauseous. He pushed into the bathroom, where somehow the cupboard was shoved in front of.

The sight before him was enough to make him cry and vomit at the same time. You were submerged in the bathtub, the water stained a bright red color. A long shard of glass from the mirror was laying on the floor, stained with your crimson blood. Two deep long cuts had been carved into your forearms. The ringing in his ears slowly subsided and he heard the sound of either Tony or Sam dry heaving behind him. He wasn't sure who it was.

"Friday, prep medical bay. Get Banners ass up. Now." He heard Tony growl.

Bucky sunk to his knees, his sweatpants become stained with the blood soaked water that had sloshed over the edge. "Y/N." He muttered. She was pale. Too pale. "Y/N!" He yelled grabbing her by the shoulders. “Open your fucking eyes and look at me!" You didn't open her eyes, the only movement was coming from your chest. You were taking quick short breaths, which Bucky figured wasn't good. "Please don't do this to me, please. I need you, fuck-" He choked back a sob.

"Buck, we have to get her down to-" Before Sam could finish his sentence, Bucky was lifting you out of the water and took off towards the med bay.

Banner was already down there, a suturing kit already laid out. "How much blood has she lost?" He asked immediately as soon as Bucky came barreling through the doorway.

"A lot." Was all he could manage. He carefully laid you down on the cot. His thoughts were going a mile a minute. You were supposed to be getting better. Sam and Banner were supposed to be helping you, the therapy was supposed to be helping. Not killing you. Why wasn’t it helping? Why were you so selfish? How could you do that to us? To me, to Steve. To this whole team?

"Well good thing most of the team is A Positive so we have some on standby for her." Banner said. Bucky wasn't sure if he was talking to him or to himself.

Banner flushed out your wounds with what looked like water, and carefully began to stitch you up. Bucky noticed the slight shaking in his wrist and he pulled your skin together.

"Where is Steve?" Bucky whispered to Tony, not taking his eyes off of Y/N and Banner. For once, you looked like you were at peace. Your features were smoothed and relaxed, nothing like your previous state.

"His teams on their way back. ETA 4 hours." Tony whispered back.

A heavy silence fell over the med bay. Bucky felt drained. He couldn't keep his thought straight in his head, and it was numbing. He just kept asking the same thing. Why? You were doing so good. You were laughing, smiling, and actually making progress to talk to people outside your comfort zone. Of course you were still having night terrors, Sam said those wouldn't go away for a long time. But other than that you were fine. You said you were fine. He couldn't understand why.

Banner was done with one side. He moved over to the other and began to repeat the process, but one of the machines she was hooked up to began beeping rapidly. His head snapped up and his brows furrowed.

"Friday do a full body scan please." He grunted.

"What? What's wrong?" Bucky pleaded, his skin tightening and his stomach doing loops.

"Blood pressure is dropping. Not good." Was all he heard over the several machines firing at once.

"There is hemorrhaging. Location: uterus." Friday said back. "Surgery is recommended."

Banner quickly finished the last of the sutures and yanked your water and blood soaked sweatpants off. There was a large amount of blood pooling in between your legs.

"Bruce what is that?" Bucky yelled rushing over to them. "What's wrong with her, did she stab herself there?" He felt like he was going to vomit.

"Bucky-" He started as he fumbled with some tubing.

"What are you doing to her?!" Bucky yelled again his voice become more and more distressed. "You're gonna kill her please help her!"

"Tony get him the hell out of here!" Banner screamed finally, the Hulks voice peaking behind his anger and frustration.

Bucky was being yanked out of the bay by Sam and Tony. He could fight back easily, fight them off so he could be with you. But his legs were so shaky he could hardly stand on his own two feet. The windows that looked into the bay dimmed and Bucky caught one last look as Banner yanked down Y/N's underwear. A sob escaped from Buckys lips as he crumpled to the ground. What was happening now? Y/N must be so scared. He was so scared.

He felt that hot tears prick at his cheeks and dribbled down into his beard hair. He was crying. Crying for the first time in who knows how long. He couldn't loose you. You were the only one who truly understood Bucky. You meant too much to him.

"Buck-" Sam started but Bucky just cut him off.

"Leave me alone." He sobbed. It felt like a metal pipe had been shoved down Buckys throat. He couldn’t breathe. "Please just go away." Tony and Sam shared a look before the disappeared down the hallway.

He sat there for what seemed like days. But it was only hours. Soon enough Steve came jogging down the hallway to where Bucky sat.

"Buck." Steve gasped, kneeling down next to him. "What happened?"

"I thought she was having a night terrors." Bucky's voice was raw and it hurt to swallow. The crying must have stopped hours ago, but he couldn't remember when it ended. "But she locked me out. Tried to...tried to..."

"Oh god." Steve whimpered, understanding what he was saying. “Is she...?" Bucky shook his head.

"She started bleeding. I think Banners still doing surgery." Steve's face was screwed tightly together as he stood back up. Bucky couldn't tell what he was feeling. He paced the hallway for a bit before he slid down against the wall across from Bucky, his eyes blankly staring at the door. He could see the trembling in his chest when he inhaled.

They sat there in silence for about another hour, when suddenly, the doors to the med bay swung open. Banners eyes fell on them. He sighed heavily and put his hands in his pockets.

"What? What is it?" Bucky pleaded getting to his feet, which caused Steve to stand up.

"Is she okay?" Steve asked, his brows closely knit together.

"Yeah. She's stable. Woke up for a few minutes but she's sleeping now. I had to give her some medicine to calm her down. And I had to..." He trailed off. "Restrain her. She's very agitated." Bruce exhaled and wrung his hands together.

"Then what happened? Why did you have to do surgery." Bucky prodded. He could tell Banner was hiding something.

"The bleeding was caused by a mixture of shock and her blood pressure tanking. I couldn't-" He cleared his throat like he was keeping back tears. "I couldn't save the fetus. She miscarried."

It felt like someone had punched Bucky in the gut. Fetus? Miscarried? She was pregnant?

"From what I could tell she was about 15 weeks along. I ran the DNA because I wasn't...I wasn't sure who the father was."

"I had a child?" Steve whimpered. Tears were falling freely down his face.

"No, Steve.” He whispered softly. “Bucky, it was yours.”

"What? No. That's impossible." Steve scoffed. "You must have your science shit mixed up. There is no way."

"No, he's right." Bucky whispered, absolute shocking talking grip of his body.

"I'm sorry. It was a boy."

"What? No. No! It's wrong. Go test it again Banner! I know it's wrong!"

"Steve-"

"You were fucking her?!" Steve screamed, turning to Bucky. "You knew I was in love with her and you were fucking her?!"

"It was once Steve! Almost 3 months ago! We were drunk and you were away on a mission and I came onto her!" Bucky bargained, staring into the flames of his best friend’s eyes.

"You fucked my girl! My girl!" Steve was irate, barely able to contain himself.

"She isn't yours Steve, you're not even together!"

"I told her that I loved her! And you went and fucked her anyway! What, do you always follow your dick!? I bet that's why she refuses to look at you!"

"No, she told me that she loved me!" Bucky screamed back, his voice echoing in the hallway as silence washed over them. Bucky took a deep breath. "She said it first. And I told her it was a mistake and should be with you." He said quietly.

Steve let out an animalistic growl, and his fist made contact with the side of Bucky's cheek and the back of his head smashed against the wall.

"I love you Bucky." Y/N's soft voice said. Your head was currently buried in Bucky's bare chest. "It's you. It's always has been." You whispered.

Bucky reached down and cupped her cheek, making you look at him. He has been waiting to hear that since they first met. He didn't believe in love at first sight but ever since he first laid eyes on you, he started to believe.

"You don't mean that, doll." He muttered back. Alcohol was still running its course through their bodies. "You're drunk."

"Drunk words are a sober mans thoughts."

"Y/N-"

"I want you Bucky. Just you. No more going back and forth between you and Steve. I can't do that anymore, Bucky. Please believe me." You pleaded, your large eyes staring into his.

"You deserve someone like Steve, not like me. You can't love me." He sighed, letting go of your face.

"I love Steve. He’s amazing and kind, but I love I have for him isn’t like how I love you.”

"No. You love the thought of me." He snapped, rising off the bed. "But you don't love me Y/N. I promise you, you don't. You shouldn't." He gathered his clothes from the floor and shimmied into them. He reached the door and stopped at the sound of your voice.

"But-" Bucky winced at the sound of your voice as it was filling with tears.

"I'm sorry." He whispered turning away, his own eyes brimming with tears. "I don't deserve you. You can't love me. I'm sorry."

part 2

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WARNINGS: Mentions of trying to unalive self, sh, loss of a child, ED if you squint, night terrors, angst, fluff at the end :)

female!reader x Bucky

Side note: i’m sorry this took so long to update, i didn’t know how to finish it skspshdjdjrjek thanks for reading :)

part 1 part 2

"Y/N, he needs to rest, okay?" Sam whispered softly. "I'll get you as soon as he wakes up."

"Why is he so dehydrated though? That's what I don't understand. " You whispered carefully, not wanting to wake Bucky up. "Has he not been taking care of himself?"

"Y/N..." Sam trailed off.

"Sam, please tell me. I’ll be okay. I'm not gonna break into a million pieces if you tell me. " You snorted, trying your best to sound optimistic.

"No, he hasn't.” Sam sighed finally. “He tried his best to hide it but it's so obvious. Everyone tried to help him, tried to get him to talk, but he refused. You know how stubborn he is."

"He can hear you." Bucky groaned, his voice hoarse. His eyes fluttered open and instantly made eye contact with Y/N. You looked good. Almost healthy. He quickly, ashamed. He busied himself, pretending to be interested with examining his body. There was two IV's sites that were pumping fluids into him, his chest covered with sticky pads (which were for EKG's) and a blood pressure cuff. Seeing all this made his head spin and he squeezed his eyes shut. "Fuck."

"I'll go get Bruce." Sam said quietly as he left the room.

The med bay was left in silence other than the steady beeping of Bucky's heart rate on the monitor. Bucky sniffed hard and reopened his eyes, and found Y/N sitting down in the chair beside the cot, staring at him.

"Hi." You whispered. Bucky didn't respond. He didn't know how to. "I just want to say I'm so sorry I did this to you, Bucky." Your voice shook as you spoke.

"Why didn't you want to see me?" Bucky blurted out, not able to think about anything else but that.

"It wasn't my idea. My doctors said it was for our best interest that we stayed away from each other."

"Best interest." Bucky echoed.

"Please understand I fought him on it almost every day while I was there. I wanted to see you, to tell you how sorry I was and how this wasn't your fault." You played with the frayed edges of your cardigan.

"Well I'm glad you got the help you needed." Bucky said, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. Y/N scoffed and leaned back into the chair.

"Don't play that game, Bucky. That place wasn't a fucking vacation, it was hell." You paused and licked your dry lips. "It was hell." Bucky winced at how hurt you sounded.

"I'm sorry." He lulled his head to the side, his eyes falling on you. "I just-"

"It's okay. You're allowed to be angry." You whispered as you touched his hand. He flinched at the contact. "I meant what I said, Bucky." You whispered again, intertwining his fingers with yours.

"And what's that?" He whispered back. You watched as his chest rose and fell heavily.

"That I-"

"Well look who's awake!" Bruce smiled as the door to the med bay swung open. Bucky and Y/N jumped apart. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Bucky grumbled, annoyed at the intrusion. Banner picked up some paper that was sitting on the table behind him.

"Hmmm, that's not what your labs say." Banner retorted. "You're severely dehydrated, Buck. What have you been eating and drinking?"

"When I can? Chicken broth."

"And when's the last time you ate anything?"

Bucky paused, looking at Y/N. Would it upset you if he told Bruce the truth?

"Last week." He muttered looking away.

"And how often have you been throwing up?"

"Every day, sometimes more than once." Bucky said. Y/N winced at what he was saying. Did you cause this? Was it your fault Bucky was so sick?

"I'm surprised you've been able to go on this long. I suppose that's the super solider serum doing it’s magic." Banner cleared his throat. "If you can't keep anything down, you're gonna have to come in for IV fluids once a day."

"Whatever you say, doc." Bucky snorted. Yeah, fuck that. He didn’t care.

"Don't worry Bruce, I'll make sure he's here." Y/N patted Bucky on the shoulder, winking at him.

"That's what I'm hoping for." Banner clapped his hands together. "Okay, I'll leave you two kids alone then. I'm sure there's a lot you need to talk about."

"I'm 106, Banner." Bucky called after him as he walked out the door. Y/N chuckled, covering your mouth with your hand. "Have you talked to Steve?" He asked as soon as Banner was gone.

"Yeah. He visited almost every day." You responded. Bucky felt a twinge of jealousy rise from the pit of his stomach. "I told him everything, Bucky. About how we had sex, about how I was pregnant, and how I didn't love him the same way he had loved me." Bucky squeezed his eyes shut at her words, not wanting to hear what she had to say.

“And how’d he take that?”

“He was hurt.” Y/N said simply. “I mean I was expecting him to be. We spent 6 months flirting and having sex. I just couldn’t keep it up anymore, I couldn’t keep that from him.”

“Oh.” Bucky muttered quietly. The two of you were silent, not sure what to say. Y/N took a deep breath, the air rattling in her chest as she reached out with a shaky hand to grab Buckys.

"I never meant to hurt our baby, Bucky." Y/N hiccupped back a sob, squeezing his hand tight. "I loved him more than anything and I never meant to do what I did. It just happened. I was in a state of psychosis and…” You rubbed your left forearm, as if the cut was still fresh, still bleeding. "I was going to tell you, I promise. I wanted to so bad. Wanted you there for the first ultrasound but there just was never a good time and-" She was rambling but Bucky cut her off.

"Y/N don't. I don't want to talk about it, please."

"We need to, Bucky. Please. My doctor said it would be good to talk about it with you.” She begged.

"No." He demanded.

"Bucky, I know it'll make you feel better."

"I don't-" Bucky stuttered. "I can't-" He was hyperventilating. Sitting up in the bed, he panted, "Fuck I'm gonna get sick." Y/N handed him a bedpan and Bucky quickly grabbed it, spilling out the contents of his stomach- which wasn't a lot. When he was done, he set the bed pan down and collapsed back on the pillow, dizzy again. Y/N softly smoothed back Bucky's hair that was sticking to his forehead. "I'm sorry, but I just can't. Not yet.”

"I shouldn't have pushed you." You whispered, setting your head on his shoulder. The two of you sat like that for a while, just embracing each others touch. It felt good. Your fingers played and twisted Bucky's hair and Bucky slowly ran his metal hand down your back, causing goosebumps to pop up. You inhaled sharply and looked up, finding Bucky's eyes already on you, a look of longing written across this face.

"Bucky..."

"Y/N..." Before you could even comprehend what was happening Bucky was pulling you on top of him. Your lips crashed together as your hands roamed through his hair.

Bucky's hands gripped your hips for dear life, like you would disappear at any moment. Your teeth grazed across his bottom lip, which triggered a moan to escape his lips. His hands traveled up your back, squeezing as he went, causing you to shudder. It felt so good to be in his embrace.

Y/N pulled up, panting. You stared down at him, his ice blue eyes looking back into yours. “I’ve missed you, Bucky.” You whispered, your finger tips grazing his cheek.

“I’ve missed you too.” He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, his callused fingers tickling your jaw line. You peppered a few more kisses onto his lips before sliding off to him, and curling up at his side. Bucky wrapped a protective arm over top of you, pulling you impossibly close to him. Y/N glanced at the clock on wall. 1:35am. You were used to being in bed by 10 so you were exhausted being up this late. Just as you started to doze off, you could have sworn you heard Bucky whisper- almost inaudible, “I love you.”

Bucky stayed up most of the night, only sleep about an hour in total. He watched you sleep to make sure you wouldn’t slip away in the middle of the night and he would wake up alone, again. The morning sun was beginning to rise, casting hazy sunlight through the windows of the med bay. And in that peace, you had a night terror.

Your nails suddenly dug into Buckys skin, trying to claw at it. You’re incoherent moans and groans filling the quietness of the room. Thrashing around, Bucky caught you before you fell off the edge of the small cot.

“Y/N.” He grabbed your face, bringing you close to him, trying to stop or writhing. “Y/N wake up.” He called out.

“Killed him.” You cried out in your sleep, hands snaking down to your stomach. “Killed him!”

“Doll, honey- you’re dreaming. Wake up.” Bucky trembled, so afraid for what you were dreaming about. “Doll face wake up.” He pressed his fingers on the back of your neck, trying to soothe you.

“Killed him.” You repeated. “My fault.”

Another 10 minutes went by with you silently screaming, face contorted in pain. Bucky kept you close waiting for you to wake up so he could comfort you like he always did. He stroked your hair while murmuring “shhh” every time you jerked or called out.

Eventually, you settled down, tired eyes blinking up at Bucky. “Did I have another one?” You asked quietly, sleep thick in your voice.

“It was pretty mild, but yeah.” He whispered back. Moaning, you buried your face into Bucky’s chest. Inhaling his scent, you noticed he smelled like whiskey and cinnamon. It instantly relaxed your jittery nerves.

“You smell good.” You muttered. You heard Bucky chuckle.

“Considering this shirt hasn’t been washed in 2 weeks I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Y/N sat up and discarded your cardigan, because it was getting hot laying against Buckys warm body. His eyes traveled down to your arms, his eyebrows furrowed at the scars. They were still healing a bit, scabs were dotted across them. Bucky sighed loudly which caused you to look at him.

“I wanna show you something. C’mon.” He slowly got out of bed, his dizziness still plaguing him. You hoped down beside him and followed him outside the med bay.

“Where are we going?” You asked trailing behind him.

“The gardens.” He responded quietly. You turned some corners and were standing outside the entrance to the living room. Inside you could hear Steve talking. Bucky slowed his pace, unsure if he should go in. “We can just go around-” He started to say put Y/N pushed him forward.

“Morning.” Tony greeted nodding at them. Bucky could see visibly tense up when they came into the room. “How are you feeling, Barns?”

“Better.” He said. “Still dizzy but better.”

“Banner works some magic, doesn’t he?” Tony smiled. “Y/N, Steve made some waffles for you.”

“Your favorite.” Steve gushed, finally looking over at the two. Y/N shifted uncomfortably on her feet and nodded.

“I’ll get some after we get back from the garden. Bucky needed to show me something.” Y/N replied meekly. Bucky saw Steve roll his eyes, and anger boiled inside of him. “Come on, Buck. Let’s go.” Y/N grabbed his hand and drug him out of the living room. Bucky was still fuming, but your touch was easing him.

Finally, you guys made it out to the gardens. It was beautiful- the sunrise was peaking over the edge of the wall of the compound cast pastel shadows over the pathways. There was morning dew sticking to the grass, which made Y/N's bare feet wet as they walked to the corner.

"What are we doing out here, Bucky?" You asked.

"I just wanted to show you." He mumbled. You stopped at a small stone that read 'Forever in Our Hearts'. "Everyone suggested that-" Bucky sniffed and looked away. "That he should be buried."

Y/N didn't know what to say. You dropped to the ground, your head grazed over the stone. "This was a nice spot."

"This is the first time I've been out here. I couldn't d-do it alone." -Bucky sat down beside you. "I'm sorry. I should have-"

"It's okay." You whispered. "I don't think I would have either." Your hand grabbed his tightly. "Do you know what I wanted to name him?"

"I hadn't even thought about that."

"I wanted to name him James. After his father." You looked up at him, eyes locking together. Tears brimmed behind his lower lashes.

"I wouldn't have been a good father." He whispered, looking down. You grabbed his cheeks softly, making him look back up at you.

"Yes you would have, Bucky." You said. He was silent for a moment.

"I love you, Y/N."

"I love you too."

@chipilerendi