The Night After One Of Your Worse Furies, She Offers You Her Teacup.

Opinions on being the one to seduce gods?

getting seduced by the gods is basic as FUCK

Crash

Burn in hell you stupid monarch

I should get a tattoo on the nape of my neck saying "Must be this tall to ride."

So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.

GOOD GIRL?!? GOOD GIRL?!?! what are you trying to do, make my day, huh? make me feel valued and respected? make me blush and smile like like an absolute fool, huhl?!? well it worked

there’s a war between Sucking and Fucking

“W-well... That’s fine!” Atmos said, nervously fidgeting. “U-um, y-yeah. I still would like to apply for an internship!”

Equal opportunity employment (open RP)

From television to billboard, radio to word of mouth, the same message was covering the entire town. Aperture was hiring. Previous experience didn’t matter, criminal record didn’t matter, it didn’t even matter if they were human! All that mattered was that Ramm needed staff, and he’d pay top dollar for workers! Damn the expense! (Your muse here) was waiting in the lobby for their name to be called. The person Ramm was previously interviewing was being escorted out by security staff. Dr. Jeremy Ramm himself soon followed. ”Right, who’s next.”

this is my all time favourite post I've ever seen on reddit everyone read it please