The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All Recap

Henley Monday -

Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I had a great weekend. Did you have a great weekend? My weekend was so great that I'm currently dearly paying for my choices.

But late last night it came screaming to my attention that Mr. Chris Evans my No. 1 Hollywood Hunk of Choice was GRAND MARSHALL OF THE DAYTONA 500.

I'll let that sink in for a second.

Yeah. It happened. And there are lots of pictures of him in this henley that is practically painted on. His hair is perfectley coiffed and his beard is a perfect length, but I really had a moment were I thought, "you know, maybe he's bulked up too much."

And then I laughed forever. I'm still laughing now. Because who in the blessed world am I to comment on the exact state of Chris Evans' PRISTINE physical fitness? I am a human slug. I ate half a fried chicken sandwich in bed last night at 2 am! I am GARBAGE.It is I who lives upon the Death Star feasting on refuse and the occasional rebel who falls into my chambers! And I had the audacity to think maybe Chris Evans should consider my opinions on his physical appearance and fitness?

No. No my friends. He should keep doing his Captain America thing and being the Grand Marshall of any event! Grand Marshall of our hearts and ALL the parades!!!

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 2 Recap

Oh wow. This is it. It's really here you guys. The time has finally come where we will know, once and for all, what will happen to Desiree in her turbulent quest for love. It’s been rough. Remember that guy with the secret girlfriend? Remember how much gay Michael hated douche Ben? Remember James being a lion with a thorn stuck in his paw that he wouldn’t let one tiny mouse help remove? REMEMBER BROOKS WALKING OUT ON DESIREE AT THE 11TH HOUR WITH HER HEART IN TATTERS? Yeah. Seas have been stormy. But here we are. In Antigua. Let the drama unfooooold!

Crap. I forgot about the live studio audience aspect of the grand finale. Chris Harrison welcomes us with open arms and throws us right into a video package of Desiree crying about Brooks. “He broke my heart…and now, I don’t know where to start,” she sniffles, “It sucks.”

What better time to have a one-on-one chat with Papa Chrarrison than the very moment your entire world is crumbling around you? They sit on some lovely whicker chairs to talk it all out. He invites her to sit and says, “How you doing today?”

“I’m ok,” she replies with a thin lipped smiled and continues to nod, maybe to convince herself it’s true.

“No. You’re not. I’m sorry,” Chrarrison reaches out as the tears begin to fall. The amount of tears this season could rival Ashley’s.

“I’m ok when people don’t ask,” admits Desiree. UGH. HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE? “I just want to go home to be honest.” Desiree continues crying and Chris offers up little comforting comments here and there. Eventually Desiree decides that she does want to continue on in “the process” with Drew and Chris to see if the “all important chemistry” and “undeniable spark” is really there with either of them. The fun thing is that they HAVE to go through a rose ceremony to get there, and they don’t know that Brooks is gone!

Chrarrison lines up the two remaining dudes on a dock and gives the floor to Desiree to explain the situation. She just barely gets through telling them that Brooks decided to go home on his own before she starts getting choked up. “I have taken every relationship separately…so I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit,” Des resolves.

She stayed so strong though all of it, but really loses her stuff when she tells them she just wants them to let her know if they don’t want to accept the rose or continue in their relationship. This poor girl. You can totally see Chris wanting to run to her and comfort the pain away. Oh noble dorky Chris.

Drew’s name is called first, then Chris. They both accept.

“When you love someone as much as I do love Desiree, it’s hard to watch her cry,” Chris sternly tells the camera.

“I’m never gonna leave Desiree. It’s just never gonna happen,” Drew also very sternly tells us. Well, we’ll just see about that, Drew. Chris? Yeah I guess you’re fine for now. We’ll just see, gentleman.

Before we can get back to the drama we talk to some of the live studio audience – KILL TIME – and get some non-expert opinions. The consensus from these random strangers is that Brooks comes back. Pishaw. We have quite a few Team Chris people. The cheers for Drew are much quieter, lovely as he is.  BUT WUH-OH. WHAT HO. WHAT. HO. INDEED.  DID CHRARRS JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?

He says, “But what about this? If CHRIS finds out about how she felt about Brooks, you know…or Drew for that matter…uh you know, is there any chance that she could you know that this could still work?” Drew was an afterthought. Chris was the first name he emphasized then he got flustered after the slip up. Interesting.

We get yet another gratuitous shot of Desiree dressing herself over her bikini. There have been quite a few up close panning shots of her body that make me uncomfortable with the exploitative undertones. Drew’s date is up first and she is hopeful that she can “find sparks.”

They are riding horses down to the beach. Des introduces Drew to his horse Judy. What a great horse name: Judy. The conversation is strained and awkward on their horsey jaunt. It is that early that Desiree realizes that what she’s looking for just isn’t there with Drew. Des realizes she must now do to Drew what Brooks did unto her.

After a toast to being “madly in love” (oh dear, sweet Drew), Des just says “So. I really need to talk to you.” Which is exactly how 85% of breakups in the history of modern dating and relationships have begun, so Drew must just about pee his little Bermuda shorts at the sound of those words.

As she cries and struggles through finding the words to say, he squints deeply at her. I finally realize who Drew looks like.  He looks like Captain America. Seriously if Chris Evans wasn’t already the quintessential Steve Rodgers, I’d be gunning for this guy to take over because even his HAIR is superhero perfect.

Des lets him down gently, and Drew is the consummate gentleman though it all. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he repeats as Des blubbers about how bad she feels. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It’s not something you control; it just happens…I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you. So this hurts but…it’s ok”. What a capital G gentleman and all around good guy. Godspeed Drew! Best wishes to you and your continuing journey to find love!

Hopefully with a break from the breakups, Chris has his date today. Desiree has a lot riding on it. As soon as Chris arrives though, their dorky chemistry is in full bloom. Chris says “Welcome!” when he first sees her, like you do when you’re being an idiot distracted by loving a person. And then Desiree tells him they’ll be going on a catamaran all day as Chris’ face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yes! Another boat just for you!” Des tells him. “Ok this is awesome!” Chris squeaks. Chris loves boats you guys. It’s that kind of dorky personality trait that could pull him through.

Chris is so freaking precious. He is just a precious little gemstone in a world of stupid pebbles. He tells her how much he will always love and support her and be a shoulder to cry on. They do indeed have a very strong connection. Desiree admits that her feelings may have been clouded because of Brooks.

The music begins to swell and the camera shots become sweeping as the catamaran streaks across the Caribbean Sea. The two lovers both feel comfortable and happy with each other. Desiree might begin to see the love and joy Chris could bring her whole life long.

It’s evening now, and the two are meeting at Chris’ plush ass suite for dinner and drinks. Chris gives world’s longest and most rambling toast thanking Desiree for everything and expressing how much he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They laugh and giggle. Desiree eats it all up and also shares how much she cherishes their time together.

Despite being apprehensive to introduce any of the guys to her family, Desiree decides that Chris shall meet her whole family. He is thrilled. She is thrilled that he so wants to meet her family.

Chris got her a gift. It is ANOTHER leather-bound journal. For those keeping score at home, that is two leather bound journals she’s been gifted with this season. He dedicates it to her and writes a little epigraph and also transcribes all of the poems into the first few pages. Barf. Blergh. Ack. Ew. But it’s still so sweet and thoughtful but MOSTLY barf.

“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them and that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved because I don’t know what it feels like…so it feels good but it’s hard,” Desiree blubbers out. “How could I have not loved him so much from the beginning?”

And there, my friends, there I think is where it’s all decided. She toasts to him being the greatest man she’s ever known. Yeah. Chris. You’re the only guy left. I think you’ve got this hooked, lined, and sinker (whatever that means. Does anyone know?).

Back in the studio audience, we have some Bachelor fan favorites assembled to sound off their opinions. Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey are there as well as Catherine and Sean. How awkward! Sean is boring and diplomatic. Catherine is adorable and wise. Jackie is sad that Brooks left her but wants her to be happy ultimately. Lesley is smart and astute and to the point that Des is falling love with Chris fast and hard. Lindsey is an idiot. She thinks Brooks might still come back. Stupid, stupid Lindsey.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Chris brings a lovely bunch of rhododendrons to meet Desiree’s family which does include her very intense, felonious brother. Nate is certainly intense, but I think he suffers from a little bit of bad editing and also just a harsh demeanor. He asks the same questions that almost every family has asked the final contestants before. Did you ever doubt the process? Are you a jealous guy? How confident are you in the relationship? All normal questions that Chris passes with absolute flying colors. He is charming and at ease and gracious and lovely.

Desiree’s dad is adorable. Not Sean’s dad levels of charm, but his smile is pretty great. Chris and he have a nice chat which ends in Chris asking for Desiree’s hand in marriage. Dad gives a resounding yes.

The day concludes with Desiree and Nate sitting down to talk all of this stuff out. In the end, Nate approves of Chris but doesn’t want Des to settle. So that’s that. Will Desiree accept a proposal from Chris? Or will she end up alone?

It’s that time of the season, y’all! Time for everyone’s favorite human lizard Neil Lane to appear in a tropical locale with his set of diamond wares. Chris meets with him to select the ring that will be the symbol of his love and commitment that won’t be broken. He is really taking delight in the process of choosing a ring. Man this is a genuinely good guy. You precious goon, Chris! You have melted my steely, cold heart! He selects a very pretty, if not a bit gaudy, ring.

Desiree is wearing a gauzy, peach gown with a big crystal embellishment on the side. It’s gorgeous. Chris is wearing a crisp, black suit with a crisp white pocket square. They both look smart. Now let’s not break America’s heart and just be in love forever you two! Please!

Chris is a bundle of nerves, equal parts electric excitement and terror. He gets to talk first. Of course when I say “talk” I mean whisper. A stage whisper. He lists all the tiny moments where he fell in love with her. “You make me want to be a better person…I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us. I want to be that rock. I want to be the person that doesn’t break for you.” And I’m crying and just as he goes to bend down to the one knee she stops him. “Don’t say it? Oh god. Ok.” He stammers. We may have just witnessed him actually crapping his pants.

He steels himself for the rejection while Des prepares him for the truth. She tells him that he’s the only one there and the only one who met her family. Then launches into a beautiful speech about how the one thing she always needed was right in front of her the whole time. Chris is so happy when he realizes that she’s in love with him and isn’t rejecting him.

So then he says, “It’s not just a yes or a no. It’s a do you want to grow old together? Do you want to start a family together?” I’m crying but then LAUGHING because as he asks the big question, Des answers “YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” which is PERFECT AND DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REA LIFE! I GUESS THIS DOESN’T REALLY COUNT AS REAL LIFE BUT SHE SAID THAT UNPROMPTED AND IN EARNEST, SO.

They hold each other kissing and crying and then “Love and Affection” plays again to montage all the lovely moments they’ve had. I’m crying because apparently I’m a person who cries at this stuff now. It’s fine. Way to go for you Matt White getting this song on three times this season (EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS YOU’VE REPLACED PETER CETERA). Ok. Wow. They are happy in love. Crazy in love. They are engaged and during After the Final Rose it’s revealed that Desiree is moving to Seattle this very weekend. They are getting their own place together. They are adorable and I wish them all of the very, very best.

And for all of you dear readers, I wish you the very, very best as well. I am so grateful for you reading my thoughts and emotions every week and truly appreciate every positive comment I’ve gotten. You guys rule. And I  DEARLY HOPE that you will join me in January when JUAN PABLO WILL BE THE BACHELOR! AHHHHHH! JUAN FREAKING PABLO! SEE YOU THEN, GUYS! Of course you can keep up with me over on Twitter @chasspod and check back with the Polar Bear for other fun stuff. KISSES.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Ok night two. Once again I am armed with Summer Shandy (the nectar of the gods) and ready to take on everything this episode has to throw at me. And if previews and general hubbub is to be trusted, it’s going to throw a lot at me. So let’s not waste any more time and get to it!

Andi is bringing her show on the road to the East Coast and more specifically…Connecticut? Sure. Why not go to Connecticut on a mission for love. It is very lovely, but just not the usual for the Bachelorette. Whoever is willing to sponsor though, am I right?

Farmer Chris is so excited to keep Andi warm in snowy Connecticut and can’t believe how nice their hotel is! He’s so sweet and simple I just diiiie. The date card comes as soon as the men have toured their plush ass suite and the first one-on-one is going to Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face!!! Someone in the house has convinced him to gel his hair less, so I’m excited for how this goes. Put down the hair gel! Take the world by storm Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face!

They are taking the Essex Steam Train on a whimsical, charming journey along the eastern seaboard. “You know I think Dylan and I’s [sic] relationship is going to take a turn today,” Andi says. And I burry my face in my hands and shake my little head because “I’s” IS NOT A WORD. THE POSSESIVE FORM OF I IS MY AND YOU ALL KNOW THAT SO STOP TRYING TO SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN “MY” WHEN YOU MEAN “MY”. THERE IS NO “I’S”.

Ahem, anyhow. They settle into the lounge car and start to talk about dates and past relationships blaaaaaaaah. Dylan’s Bad Hair is really, really bad today. Less gel, but it’s so, so long. He talks about his last relationship that lasted 8 years and that he found out his ex got engaged the day after his brother’s funeral. He then stares out the window to hold back from crying.

This all makes Andi uncomfortable. She can “feel Dylan’s story weighing him down and she just wants him to feel comfortable enough to open up to her. Their conversation doesn’t come so easy and natural, and Andi feels that the weight of his “story” is holding them back. I’m feeling the same, and that if he also can’t get past his nerves, he’ll be going home without a rose tonight.

Group Date Card says “Who’s got game?” and everyone turns into crazy gorillas. JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric, Nick, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick, and Josh. Josh is disappointed to not be getting a coveted one-on-one date but is going to try to make the most of the situation.

The love train has made a stop so that the lovebirds can have some dinner and talk things over. Andi is wearing another stunning black turtleneck and this strange overcoat thing that looks like something Emily Gilmore would wear.

Andi tries really hard to make Dylan feel comfortable and tells him that he can open and be “the real Dylan…sooner rather than later.” He starts to steel himself up to bring out the truth and just put things on the table.

“Right now it’s just me and my mom, and my grandma, grandfather, and uncle,” Dylan says. He shares he never grew up with a father. And then delves into the story about how both his sister and brother, within three years of each other, died from drug overdoses. He cries while telling her, and Andi has tears welling up in her eyes because you can see how hard it is for Dylan to share. Oh Dylan, sweet, sweet Dylan BH-GF.

“I don’t want you to just feel bad for me and keep me around because of that,” he says. He keeps dabbing his eyes with his napkin. Where they are is where he grew up with his family and it’s flooding him with good memories. Andi almost feels guilty and cries to camera because she wishes she hadn’t stirred up all those feelings for Dylan.

As they sit with FULL PLATES OF UNTOUCHED FOOD in front of them, Andi gives him the date rose for being so brave, and vulnerable, and open with her. Hooray for Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face! He really does have a sweet, sweet face. Let’s just hope he can really pull it through and be a great, fun, whole person now that the nerves are gone.

It’s time for the group date now. There is a full basketball arena within the hotel they’re staying in, so they all arrive to shoot some hoops. Everybody shows off their skills, and Brian is so excited to be on his home turf as a basketball player/coach. But he’s being sweet about it, not ass-holey about it like Bradley with opera.

Then Andi comes out with her dream team of WNBA superstars. Josh is thoroughly impressed because he is a fan of WNBA, and that makes me a much bigger fan of Josh! The women obviously smoke the dudes who flounder like so many fish against titans of strength and power.

And then the terrible thing that I hate happens. They get split up into teams to play against each other, and only the winning team gets to continue on the date later that night. No, no, no. NO. This has never turned out well for anyone ever in the storied history of this show. Brian takes it upon himself to coach and pump the team up. This episode has made me a fan of Brian. “Hustle and defense wins championships,” he tells them. It’s so cute.

Josh is the captain of the other team and they are getting pumped up like a bunch of meat heads. Farmer Chris says, “Come on! We can kick their asses!” and it’s the CUTEST THING BECAUSE HE’S SO SWEET YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T REALLY MEAN IT. Oh Farmer Chris, you have my heart.

The game starts, and testosterone levels are through the roof. The competition is fierce, and as the game goes on, the WNBA stars giving color commentary and sage advice to Andi. I want to keep them around for color commentary and sage advice all the time please.

At halftime, the game is tied. Both teams are fully expecting to win. Marquel is so sure that he thinks the other boys are going back to the hotel “to eat cereal or whatever it is that losers eat.” Excuse me, Marquel? Everyone knows that Cereal is the breakfast of champions. Check yourself.

But the game very easily goes to the Red Team captained by Brian. They dominate out there, and the white team is so sad. Josh is especially disappointed because he hates losing but also really hates losing time with Andi. The whole team are such sad, rejected pound puppies.

The Red Team is Brian, Cody, Eric, Nick, Andrew, and Marquel. Andi is excited that the second half of the date is a much smaller group and a more low key group.

Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. She is worried that their relationship is not moving forward enough and tells him as much. They are both really honestly talking about how hard the situation is and how hard it is to be so formal all the time. Andi really pulls to have him talk more about his life other than his work. So in the interest of opening up more, he tells her all about his family.

And then he drops a huge bomb that he was raised Mormon, and she had no idea about that. He shares how giving up his religion did not mean that he lost his family like he feared.  And they really have a good talk, so much so that Andi feels like they are back on track to where they should be.

With Brian, they head back to the court so he can give her some personal lessons in basketball. He’s so patient and really great with her. He’s another one of those guys that is so normal and nice and good-looking but not too perfect attractive. As a bet, he makes a perfect half-court shot. Andi is really taken by this and so attracted to him. He doesn’t take the opportunity to kiss her though! He should have! He knows he should have and missed all the signs! BRIAN!

Of course the time spent with Nick is great and all kissy-kissy because those two really like each other. Nick is totally smitten with her.

But Brian does get the date rose as he should have! He was so great all day as MVP on and off the court, so hopefully he’ll get his kiss later on.

So Marcus is getting the second one-on-date in a card that said “The sky’s the limit.” Andi is really nervous for this date because she’s going to overcome her fear of heights. They are repelling off the hotel, 30 stories down. So dumb. If you’re going to repel off anything, why a freaking hotel in the middle of nowhere Connecticut?

It’s very windy, and both Marcus and Andi are really freaking out. As they sit on the ledge about to click in, Marcus says, “Any last words?” and she goes, “F**K”. Which sums up the whole experience pretty well.

Marcus clicks in and gets set, and Andi seriously has a panic attack and can’t get off the ledge. Marcus is actually really great through the whole thing. He’s encouraging her and helping her and is really awesome about the whole thing. They finally get all set and start repelling. They are repelling right by the Bachelor’s plush ass suite and everyone waves!

Marcus gets her feeling comfortable by talking about her mom! And it’s so, so cute. I’m starting to get Marcus a little. He gets her talking about her mom who plays majong and golfs poorly. And then it’s smooth sailing. They kiss on the side of the building, and celebrate like crazy when they finally make it down. Good for them.

At dinner, the first thing Marcus does is cover up the date rose so it doesn’t make him nervous. He opens up about learning to trust again after his last relationship ended very suddenly and admits he feels he can trust Andi. She eats this up, duh. And of course Marcus gets the date rose. And he deserves it. I might be coming around on Marcus a little bit.

And then the bonus at the end of the date is a concert by Jon Hardy (???) the traditional C-list country singer they always tromp out for these things. They kiss and dance on the little platform and Marcus tells her he thinks he’s falling in love with her. Which is…fast…

The day of the rose ceremony is upon us and I guess this is where all the drama will be going down today. In her suite, Andi gets a special delivery of a love letter from a secret admirer. She thinks it’s cute. I think it’s dumb. Standard stuff.

As the men gather in their formal wear for the ceremony, you can tell how tense everyone is. Andi feels great and “a sense of calm” going into tonight which is some great dramatic irony knowing what’s to come. Her dress looks like gilded crocodile skin, and it’s sort of fine but very Dreamgirls.

Tasos pulls Andi aside first to talk to her, and they have a nice chat. Tasos is sort of fine. Tolerable but nothing special. They get interrupted by Brian who wants to make up for missing the opportunity to kiss her the other night. So he takes her back to center court to kiss her, and it’s pretty cute. It’s all dark in there, and I am a fan of Coach Brian. So is Andi.

Then she’s got time with Marquel. She really likes him and how goofy he is, but that’s why I don’t like him. Marquel is a clown. He’s just never serious and yeah it’s nice to laugh but ughhh just straighten out a little Marquel. He teaches her some self defense while he sits on a loveseat.

Then Eric wants to pull her aside and tell her how he’s feeling. He says that when he woke up, he realized that if things are going how they’ve been going, they are going nowhere. So Eric pulls her aside to say that he feels like Andi isn’t being open and vulnerable with him. He says he’s had glimpses of the real her but ultimately says, “I came here to meet a real person, not a TV actress.”

Woooooow. Heavy. I mean. Yikes. On the one hand, maybe she isn’t sharing as much deep stuff with the guys as they are with her, but that’s just the nature of the show. That’s what they signed up for. So on the one hand, he has a point, but also it’s just the show.

He goes on to say he feels like she always has a poker face on. She takes great offense to this. Andi is taken aback and fires back at him saying how tired she is trying to make every person there feel respected and heard. She’s doing her absolute best for everyone, and so for him to fire out that she’s just “acting” and “fake” is incredibly hurtful. She starts to cry and raises her voice to such a degree that the other guys hear her.

“I cannot fight for someone who doesn’t believe in me, and I don’t think you do,” says Andi. And she calls it quits on him right there. They hug and wish each other the best but it’s cold on both sides. The shit…hath hitteth…the fan..eth.

Eric walks away feeling, in general, really surprised about the way that went down. I think at the bottom of it, he wanted to say that he wanted to get to know the real Andi and keep breaking down their walls together, and instead it just came off as an attack of character. I truly don’t believe he meant for it to be that way, but when you pair all those high stakes emotions with  Andi being exhausted and stretched a little too thin, it’s explosive. He gets into a cab and the final voice over we hear from Eric is about how ready he is right now for love and a family because that is what life is all about. And then my heart bleeds out a little because that is so sad.

As for the other guys, Andi walks right into the room and tells them that if anyone else thinks she has a poker face and thinks it’s a joke, then they can just walk themselves out right there. “If anyone else thinks this isn’t real, there’s the door because this is SO real to me!” she says. She apologizes for feeling like she’s yelling at them, but she’s just feeling passionate.

And then something a little strange happens. When we come back from commercial, we see Chris Harrison on a set. Chrarrison tells us that in light of Eric’s passing, they decided that they should spend some time talking about Eric rather than showing a dramatic rose ceremony. Andi is there too, and they just talk about his time on the show and that final scene we just watched go down. It’s hard to do this without making his life seem trivial, so I’ll just leave it that everyone was really heartbroken to hear of his passing. Andi also laments that that was the last conversation she had with him and didn’t get a chance to kind of forgive each other at the Men Tell All.

And then Chris Harrison mentions very briefly that tonight we’ve said goodbye to Tasos, and that’s pretty much that. I don’t feel the best about how they did that, but what else would I have had them do? I’m not sure.

In good news, we are traveling to Europe next episode! The bad news is that there’s a two week break before the next episode hits the tubes. They are traveling to Marseilles, France, and I am the most jealous you can imagine. It’s beautiful; there’s miming; there’s drama; there’s more turtlenecks! I’ll see you all here in two long week’s time. Please pop on over and join me on Twitter @chasspod and let’s fill up that Ask Box to help tide us all over. Love!

The Official Bachelor Drinking Game

Hello my sweet journeyers! Together, through many trials and tribulations we have made it to this fine day: Bachelor Finale Day. I know you are just as excited as I am to see who our Bachelor Sean Lowe will choose and how it will all go down. Will it be Catherine, the raven haired beauty with a quirky intelligence Sean loves? Or Lindsay, the goofy girl who showed up to meet him wearing a wedding dress? Time will reveal all.

Many of you will be participating in viewing parties surrounded by your best friends, wine, and delicious snacks. A few seasons back, my friends and I put together a little viewing game, and I thought I would only be doing my due diligence in sharing it with you all. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can't wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you're underage, eat an m&m):

The word "journey" is used

The word "connection" is used

Someone refers to "the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says "picture the rest of my life", "spend the rest of my life", "could envision the rest of my life" or any other "rest of my life" phrases

Sean does a voice over while he walks around somewhere

Sean does a voice over while he stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Sean is shirtless

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as "paradise", "fairytale", or "something out of a dream"

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Sean.

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera's "The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

Henley Monday - 100TH POST!!!

Friends, brethren, fellow aficionados of men's casual wear, it is with high head and swelling heart that I bring to you the 100th post here on Pop Culture Polar Bear.

For this momentous occasion, I thought long and hard about the pictures I would select and the men I would feature. After much toiling, the only right thing to do was to bring you my top two favorite hunks. Mr. Ryan Gosling and Captain "Chris Evans" America.

Never in the storied history of fashion have two men fully understood and appreciated the full majesty of the henley shirt quite so well as these two. May God continue to bless them in all their endeavors, and may He continue to bless our eyes with the sight of men rocking this timeless piece.

Bonus Ryan Gosling and his dog George!!!

DOUBLE BONUS CAPTAIN AMERICA TUSHIE!!!!!!!

Boo Hiss: Jingles

                    It would appear that the commercial jingle is back and back with the vengeance of a Spider-Man, a Conan the Barbarian, or a guy from any movie/show/legend in which he becomes a Gladiator.

Looking back on my childhood, the jingle that stands out most is Meow Mix. That little cat is now singing inside of your head. With one onomatopoetic word, they created something that stuck with people, across generations, for years and years. Smart.

The only other two stand out examples are products of Chicago-land's greatest carpeting and flooring rivalry: Empire vs. Luna. Here are the lyrics to these two jingles:

800-588-2300 Empiiiiire

vs.

773-202-*sound of four phone keys being pushed* Lunaaaaa

Creative. Anyone who grew up within a three hour radius of Chicago can start one of these jingles, and by the end at least two other people will have joined in. What they lack in creativity, they make up for in brevity and being memorable. Smart.

Now, all this is to say that the jingle has always seemed to me like a thing of the past to me, like something out of I Love Lucy. They're effective only to a certain point (e.g. I don't buy cat food, and I've not yet had a need for floor covering), and, most importantly, they can backfire. The recent outcropping of jingles has, I fear, done just that.

Take this piece of crap for instance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH3CshbUHZY&feature=related

This is what my brain does during that commercial:

"This song is relevant to pizza, but what's all this scrawling across the screen? It's too small then TOO BIG! And his red pants and his murdery red room and he sounds a little pitchy, dawg and the doodling's not helping. Those rocker hands look like cacti. Who is that big-nosed guy in the back? Is that Inspector Clouseau? That's a pretty big rip-off, and he doesn't have anything to do with pizza! Oh, it's over...What was he saying"

Not smart.

This commercial jingle from Post-Its though makes the Pizza Hut song sound like sweet baby cherubim: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q3DMW4e0OE

I am filled with bilious rage on hearing this song. This isn't even a jingle anymore, this is a 90s lady-singer-songwriter jam about plastic tabs. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Phoebe's old music partner comes back, and she writes shitty jingles for stew and sells out "Smelly Cat" (fun fact: that actress also voiced Tommy Pickles!).

Look, Post-It has a brand and they are sticking to it. Their products truly make my life easier, but there are no ground breaking situations in which I'd use a "durable tab" they've presented to me there.

Where would I use "a durable tab"? Pretty much anywhere I have a plain old, REGULAR POST-IT like my planners, cookbooks, files, paper work, but for Pete's sake, if your binder dividers for a home assembled take-out book didn't come with built-in tabs, then that's your fault for being an idiot and not thinking about that at Office Depot when buying them.

NOT SMART.

I do not think these jingles are effective. I do not think they have a place on my TV or in my brain. The problem that they demonstrate is that we're moving away from the purpose of a jingle in the first place. It was quick, catchy, memorable. This latest crop are long, over-wrought, over-produced songs. They have nothing original to say, they're just statements with a tune.

It's tough to admit given their abundance, but the only people doing it right are the Free Credit Score guys. They are clever and present their information in a unique way. I'm not super pumped when one gets stuck in my head, but when it inevitably does, I don't want to kill all the things in the world (lookin' at you, Post-its).

In the end, if you're not using music as a means to disguise an otherwise boring ad, you can stick around. But if you are...then BOO HISS.

Henley Monday -

Welcome back to your job after a very long holiday weekend! It's gong to be a long, hard week, friends, but I know you can make it through.

If you need a little boost on this, the most heinous of days, regard this candid shot of Gerard Butler. I would say I'm somewhere on the bottom of this guy's fan club list, but it's undeniable that this ensemble is attractive and life giving when all I want is a nap. Maybe snuggled in that leather jacket I DON'T KNOW. I'm tired...but the heart wants what the heart wants.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

#99 Toy Story - Not Just a Child's Play-thing

It's been just over a month since I had a dinner party at my place for the viewing of the 99th movie on the AFI list. At the rate I'm going, I'll be done with the challenge in...2014...crap...I need to step up my game. But at the risk of sounding despairing, let's just jump right into the run-down on this great American film.

The Good - The Bad - The Reason - The Food

                       The Good:

It's "Toy Story". It's a movie I loved when I was young and have learned to appreciate even more as I've grown up. This is, thanks to the careful crafting of John Lasseter, no accident. It was Pixar's goal when they set out to make a movie that would entertain the kids, but keep the parents happy too.  While this is now the norm, it was really one of the first "kids" movies to cater to both the adults as well as the kids.

It's seriously hilarious. When Buzz gets captured by Sid's little sister and gets all Stockholm-syndromy Mrs. Nesbitt?

              Truly horrifying child-villain Sid was voiced by late-90s teen heartthrob Erik von Detten.

So good.

It's a great story that has universal appeal. I think it's safe to say we all wished out toys would come to life and play along with us. Every single one of my Barbies had a unique name (the villain in the saga was played by a crop-haired fiend named Alanis), and I wished so hard every day that those dolls really came to life. Pixar tapped right into our wildest dreams and made them even cooler than we could have imagined. Best.

The Bad:

I think the bad in this case is more of a reflection on how good CG animation and Pixar has become over the years. The CG in "Toy Story" can at times look current and flawless, but sometimes the early stages of the process show through. There are a couple layers of blockiness they hadn't yet shaved off, and it can look strange. Again, this really reflects more on how far they have come in CG animation.

It's also short. Running at just 77 minutes, the pace moves along at quick a clip and can feel very hurried and a little chaotic. Compare this to "WALL-E" where we spend the first big chunk of the movie with two non-speaking robots, and it's a noticeable difference.

The Reason:

When "Toy Story" came out in 1995, it was the first ever completely CG-animated feature-length film. Now, almost twenty years later, CG-animation has become the absolute norm and it's because of the precedent set by Pixar. And, like I mentioned before, it was one of the very first family films that put jokes and bits in specifically for the parents/adults/older audience members. Just like in "Ben-Hur", I think "Toy Story's" position is based on how many precedents it has set. 

                                          Woody and Buzz Lightyear, voiced by Mayor of Hollywood Tom  Hanks and Michigan-native, Chevy-driving, Campbell’s soup-lover Tim Allen.

There are so many quotable lines that pop-up frequently in our generation. All of Woody's token pull-string phrases get dropped whenever anyone so much as says the word "boot". I dare you to say "Somebody's poisoned THE WATER HOLE!!!" to someone and wait for the inevitable "There's a snake in my boot!" or "Rrrreeeaaach for the skyyyyy"

On an end note, to really get a great idea of the kind of work and time and love went into "Toy Story", I recommend checking out the documentary "The Pixar Story." It's sweet and funny as well as an interesting look at all aspects of their very unique creative process.

The Food!

The obvious choice for the food would have been Pizza Planet pizza, but I didn't feel like slapping together a little 'za. I wanted to make something that would evoke childhood, a simpler time. I wanted the kind of food I would have scarfed down in between the hours of playing with Beanie Babies, Barbies, and Breyer horses (what was my thing about "B" toys?).

                                          This is Tour Guide Barbie from "Toy Story 2". Mattel was hesitant to use Barbie in the first film, unsure of how it would fare in theaters. When it became a huge success, they went in for the 2nd and 3rd.

I went with a six-cheese macaroni and cheese and hot dog casserole. I made a basic white-sauce then added one cup of cheddar, 1/2 cup of smoked cheddar, 1/2 of 4-cheese Italian blend (thanks Kraft!). The bottom of the casserole dish also had some of the Italian blend sprinkled. Mixed in with the cavatappi noodles were Nathan's all-beef hot dogs. Topped off with seasoned breadcrumbs, bacon bits, and parmesan cheese, I popped the dish into the oven until the crust was golden brown and all cheese bubbly.

It.was.so.good. We ate up every last bite.

We took a brief intermission during the movie to eat dessert. I made blonde-brownies following the recipe on the back of Nestle chocolate chips. Then cut them into bars and made ice-cream sandwiches! Delicious and rich and a little difficult to eat.

But it wouldn't feel like childhood if you didn't end up wearing most of your dessert, right?

The Bachelor Drinking Game - Juan Pablo Edition

I wish I could’ve gotten this up sooner but unfortunately I was trapped at the Cook County Criminal Courthouse fulfilling my civic duty of jury duty and contemplating suicide. I’m still on my way home as I type BUT never fear. Here are the rules to your favorite drinking game - THE BACHELOR DRINKING GAME.

Juan Pablo says "ees ok"

Juan Pablo says something deeply stupid, beyond a translation issue

Clare talks about her Dead Dad

You can see Nikki's bird tattoo

Chris Harrison says "most dramatic finale ever"

Helicopter rides!

Juan Pablo is an inconsiderate, narcissistic ass

Voice over happens while Juan Pablo is shirtless on a balcony, or walking on a beach, hands in pockets

One of the women says "fairy tale I've always dreamed of"

Neil Lane the King of the Diamond Peddling Lizards appears!

Happy drinking! 

*I ALMOST FORGOT*

*Bonus* Full Shot - If Clare shows him the Dead Dad DVD

-If Juan Pablo ends up alone

And if Juan Pablo ends up alone AND sees the Dead Dad DVD? Well, then we have to drink until we can't feel the shame and sadness anymore.