Gertrude: Where Have You All Been?!

I love languages so much!! Some languages are like we don’t need a word for ‘the’! And other languages are like you are completely right!! We actually need 24 words for ‘the’! Everything is so dumb and I love it!!!

i don’t know how to ask for help i disappear and come back when i’m good

“I want to speak to a manager,” the middle-aged woman said in her stern I-used-to-be-a-soccer-mom-ten-years-ago voice, looking down at me over the top of her Gucci reading glasses.

A wicked grin split across my face and the gates of Hell opened up behind me, releasing a gust of hot wind that whipped my apron around my body and forced the woman to shield her face. Demons came forth, dancing around in flames with songs of, “She wants to speak to a manager. Did you hear that? She wants to speak to a manager!” before erupting into earsplitting shrieks of laughter, none louder than my own cackling.

I took in the woman’s look of utter horror before my eyes rolled back into my head and I growled,

“I am the manager.”

FUCK

self-destruction doesn’t always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open. sometimes it’s drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks. sometimes it’s crossing the street without looking both ways. sometimes it’s showering with the water a little too hot. sometimes it’s avoiding eye contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems rather than addressing them. sometimes it’s walking out without sunscreen in scorching heat and not wearing enough when it’s freezing out. self destruction isn’t always physical mutilation, mostly it’s masked as little things so never assume what someone may be going through just bc they don’t show you visible signs of suffering.

If he’s YOUR boyfriend, why is his portrait decaying from MY corrupt ideas??

sorry, i mythologized your boyfriend. yeah i took him and a few other boyfriends and merged them together with local folklore and mystic elements into one legendary figure. he's going to be really hard to pin down historically. sorry about that. I can make you his consort in some stories if that helps.

ed: no more booze, no more drugs, and most importantly, no more stede. 😤

stede: hello edward! 🤗

ed: 🙃😖😩😭🫠😵‍💫😵…hi. 😐

mary: wait, you two know each other? 👀

stede: shipmates! 🤗

ed: ☠️🖕🏻💔🗡️🚫 …former. 😤

stede: ☹️

[insert positivity here]

Broke: vampires are vulnerable to the trappings of Christianity only, particularly Catholicism, no matter how dubiously applied. (See: Van Helsing's Communion wafer grouting).

Woke: vampires are vulnerable to sincere faith of all kinds, and atheist vampire-hunters need to believe very strongly in the Power of Friendship or their love of Star Trek to get by.

Bespoke: vampires are vulnerable to the faith that they followed when they were alive, and hunters tracking down an ancient vampire are obliged to learn about Neo-Babylonian theology or Middle Palaeolithic bear cults.