Akutagawa: Mr. Dazai, Truth Or Dare?

Dazai, walking up to look at a dead body: Okay, first of all, big mood.

Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?

Dazai:

Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-

Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*

Dazai: Last night I had a dream that you and I bought matching side by side mansions.

Dazai: But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard.

Chuuya:

Dazai: What do you think it means?

Chuuya:😶

Dazai: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Chuuya: Wow. They sound stupid.

Dazai: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.

Chuuya: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… "Hey! I love you!"

Dazai: I guess you’re right. Hey Chuuya, I love you.

Chuuya: See! Just say that!

Dazia: Holy fucking shit.

Chuuya: If that flies over their head then, sorry mackerel, but they're too dumb for you.

Dazai:

Ango: They say partners can never be just friends. It's always sexual.

Dazai: *scoffs* That's dumb. Look at me and Chuuya. There's nothing sexual between us.

Oda:

Ango:

*married soukoku au*

Chuuya: I dont understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.

Dazai: We did?

*flashback*

Chuuya: Aw, look at these pictures of Q and Elise.

Chuuya: *shows photos of the kids in a water park*

Dazai: Mm.

Chuuya: We should do this someday. What do you think?

Dazai: Are you kidding me? Of course!

*end of flashback*

Dazai: I was talking about going to the water park! You were talking about having kids???

Chuuya: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" and you said, "We'll start saving right away."

Dazai: So you mean, all that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?

*married skk au where Chuuya is an ada member and he and Dazai brought their child to work*

Dazai: Chibi, we know where the serial killer is. Me and Kunikida will go arrest him. I need you to take the baby.

Chuuya: No, you need to take the baby. I have to go right now.

Dazai: So what do we do???

Chuuya: I guess we can call that creepy babysitter we interviewed this morning.

Dazai: Turned out that babysitter is the serial killer we are looking for.

Chuuya, yelling: Even better! Two birds, one stone. We bring him to you!

Dazai, yelling: We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!

Ranpo: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.

Fukuzawa: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?

Ranpo: Breakfast burrito but yeah...

Fukuzawa: I pity your dentist.

Ranpo: Joke's on you I don't have a dentist.

Fukuzawa:

Fukuzawa: I'm taking you to the dentist.

Dazai, stumbling in through the window of Chuuya's room with a broken red rose in his mouth:

Chuuya, startled: What the fuck are you doing?

Dazai, falling on the floor: I’m trying to be romantic, shut up.

Dazai: We both look very handsome tonight!

Chuuya: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said "so do you."

Dazai: No you wouldn't.

Chuuya:

Chuuya: Yeah, you're right.