The Most Horrifying Thing To Hear As A Person Who Has Suffered Abuse From Their Parents, Is When People

There’s this weird culture of telling kids when they stress about school “u ain’t seen nothin yet hun! Wait till u do tax returns! Hahaha adulthood is fucking hell!” And i hate it b/c 

 1) it’s flat out untrue. Adulthood is a breeze compared to school. I have time to myself to do what I find fun and can make my own choices. Like, yeah, I’m poor and have to take care of myself, but the central activity of my life– work – is waaaaaay easier than school, mentally and emotionally. 

 2) Part of the reason school made me anxious to the point of considering suicide is that I had this wrong idea, drilled into my head by YEARS of people saying this, that if I didn’t do well in school, I would be a useless member of society, unable to be productive or do anything meaningful. Failing a class meant I might as well be dead. That’s the false equivalence this culture creates. But grades don’t mean SHIT in the workforce unless you’re trying to become a college professor or do something that requires a hella advanced degree. 

 3) it helps no one to say this! All it does is give mentally ill children, most of whom are already struggling to get through the DAY, the idea that it will only get much, much worse. I know I couldn’t cope with that thought. Any future planning past my 20s was blocked out in a haze of terror at the thought of having to persevere that long, only to get a shittier situation at the end. But it’s not shittier. I have to be more responsible, but this is a piece of goddamn cake compared to even High School. The only reason to say this to a teenager is to inflate your own sense of superiority over someone who is still learning how the world works.

 So like. Can we kill this culture? Please?

I would like to get to know you. I would like to talk to you every day. I would like to know about your interests and hobbies. I would like to know everything about you. I would like to know you. I would like to be friends with you. I would like to be with you.

I would like // 12:26am (via heavenlythoughts)

“The moment I graduate after the hellish exams I attend another school, its name is Society.”

— Adult Child || Bangtan

“It’s like when you read a novel and you’re so captivated by it that you don’t even realize you’re approaching the end of it until there are no more pages to turn. You’re left with this dreadful emptiness and aren’t quite sure what to do with yourself because while the book is finished, the story is living on inside of you.”

— This is what breaking up feels like - Jess Amelia 

for insecure angels

your partner still loves you even when they are away.

your friends still loves you even when they are away.

they will sill love you even if they have other friends.

they weill still love you even if you are not okay.

they will still love you even if they don’t reply immediately.

they will still love you even if you don’t reply them immediately.

they will still love you even if they can’t talk in a exact moment.

they will still love you even they are not around you 24/7.

they will still love you even if you don’t love some things about yourself.

“they are not replying!”

MAYBE

they fell asleep.

they are busy.

they don’t feel okay to talk right now.

they had to immediately leave for some reason.

they are studying.

they are working.

they are practicing a hobby.

they forgot to reply by distraction.

THEY STILL LOVE YOU.

“they are distant!”

MAYBE

they are going through a hard time.

they are hurt by something you said or did (don’t get paranoid because of it, try to talk to them).

they are very busy with work or studies.

they are planning something good for you.

THEY STILL LOVE YOU.

“i made a mistake and hurt them.” you can always apologize! everyone makes mistakes.

“they made a mistake and hurt me.” tell your feelings to them.

“they will leave me, i know it.” check if it’s not your paranoid thoughts acting out and tell your feelings to them, we can’t be 100% sure if someone will abandon us.

“they have someone better in their lives.” i personally don’t believe in “someone better”, because we all have good and bad aspects, but it doesn’t even matter if they have someone better, because they are with you because they like you and not because of someone else or whatever.

“i’m not enough.” YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR THEM. THEY LOVE YOU.

“i’m ugly.” YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL FOR THEM. THEY LOVE YOU.

- Everything I said relates to healthy relationships only. I don’t support abusive relationships and please take care of yourself and look for help if you are being abused.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”

— Pablo Neruda, excerpt from Sonnet XVII (I Do Not Love You…)

just because a love is temporary doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. sometimes love ends, sometimes love fades. you can’t always determine the course that it takes. you aren’t wasting your time; you’re just counting down the days until you meet the person with a love that finally stays.

— alhwrites

PTSD things

taking lots of baths and showers

constant flashbacks. sometimes you don’t even know what they’re about

you’re told you’re jumpy all the time

you always look behind you

craving abuse

alternating between missing your abuser and hating them with all your guts

was it my fault?

constantly distracting yourself from memories

you freeze at the mention of their name

overwhelming anxiety and unexplained fear

you convince yourself you deserved the abuse

you can’t relate to peers

you think you’ll be sick forever

unable to remember key parts of the abuse

remembering too much all at once

developing unhealthy coping mechanisms

you flinch every time someone raises their arm, or makes an abrupt movement

you age regress

you’re told you act “mature” for your age

always feeling like something’s going to go wrong

this happened with my fp multiple times and I felt foolish afterwards for how I had internally reacted. can any of my bpd peers relate??

He did not say hello to me, why didn’t he say hello? He always says hello, every day, but he did not today. My mind whirls, panic rises within me.

He is leaving me, he hates me. Why didn’t he say hello? Talk to me! Talk to me! Pay attention to me, please do not ignore me!

He does not care for me anymore, he has not said anything to me. It is like a crashing wave, knocking me down, barely able to breathe.

He is abandoning you.

The words that weigh me down like a thousand rocks on top of my body crumbles me to pieces and I rush to leave him first before he can utter the terrifying words and leave me. My defense rises; intense anger and distress engulfs my body.

Trying so hard to ignore the negative voice in my head, I try to recall all the times he had talked to me, reassured me, made me feel so happy like I had been flying and soaring with nothing stopping me. But my memory is blank, and it feels cold and rotten. There is no warmth, and it feels as if those glorious and assuring memories never happened. It has always been barren and dark.

I do not look at him, I do not talk to him.

He deserves this. He did not say anything you, he hates you.

The words creep into my brain like an evil ghost whispering words into my ear, making me believe them. My teeth grind together, the tears well up in my eyes as I realize that I have lost him for what seems like the millionth time.

“Hey.”

My heart leaps, and I feel whole again.

He talked to me! He loves me! Why did I hate him again? He is not leaving me! I have never been upset in my life.

It continues. He talks to me, I feel happy and amazing. He ignores me, and I crumble and fall, retreating into the shadows and telling myself that he does not need me, and that he hates me. I idealize suicide, because it seems better than being abandoned the person who has stolen my fragile heart and soul.