Irinamitr - I Am Afraid To Own A Soul

'going insane before an exam' core

in my city there's going to be a music (and not only music ig) marathon where you can spend the entire night at the conservatory and listen to different performances of all sorts like music and theatre and maybe even dancing so i am going even if i spend my last money on it

i watched hamlet (2000) yesterday and it somehow made me feel so inspired

and like how do i even know if im aromantic or i just set impossible standards for people that no one would ever meet and see myself as entirely undeserving of love and affection

i never ever said it to anyone but no one here knows me so i feel like i can talk about my sexuality questioning and after thinking about it for a few years and changing my opinion a thousand times i feel like i'm homosexual and panromantic and maaaybe also like demiromantic or greyromantic ? something along the lines.

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i need to read 5 more books till the end of the year but i honestly can't decide what to pick next. i want to read slowburn but it's never done as i like in books and when i think of it, i realise that i don't even want to read romance. i can't decide on genre and on author and on anything at all because nothing just feels right for me. i want something poetic but it's hard to find poetry that would actually speak to me. i can't trust recommendations because it always feels off and i don't even trust people's opinions anymore. why is it so hard? why do i need to read a hundred books to find the one that would feel like it sees my soul?

You ever read a fanfiction so, so fucking good that when you're done reading it, you're kinda disoriented? Like the place you were reading it in seems unfamiliar because the story sucked you into the fucking fifth dimension with how good it was? Unparalleled feeling.

Fanfic writers are an absolute gift to humanity.

i almost wish shakespeare WASNT fucking popular i mean can u imagine encountering the iconique™ quotes for the first time without having them dulled by constant pop culture repetition and out-of-context attribution… can u imagine watching romeo and juliet and knowing bc of the prologue that it’s all gonna go to shit but not knowing HOW, can u imagine reading “these violent delights have violent ends, which, as they kiss, consume” for the first time and going BERSERK and how about “we are such stuff as dreams are made on” or “tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing” can u imagine reading “i am one who loved not wisely but too well” without ever having encountered it before can u CONCEIVE of not knowing the to be or not to be speech and then seeing it come from the mouth of an anguished suicidal young person driven out of his mind by grief and rage. ALSO IMAGINE UNEXPECTEDLY READING “EXIT PURSUED BY A BEAR.” LIKE EVEN IN CONTEXT ITS SO ???? but sometimes i think of how people would have encountered this stuff back before it got lauded by so many bad people idk it just. is truly just WRITING and i often wish it didnt have the social role it has so people could treat it as text that isnt on a pedestal and just Encounter these plays as the old, unfaded, unfolding stories they are. because my god its GOOD and it’s MOVING and it’s RAW. “there’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow” “self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting” “i live with bread, like you: feel want, taste grief, need friends…” my Mind is Bleeding out my Ears

Sketch by Channing H.M

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