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My bad I missed yesterday, bad WiFi that got fixed today. Which is lowkey bad coz I don't remember what I did yesterday lol, I have the memory of a goldfish😭

Nothing much today, had a fulfilling breakfast, walked to mall and spent some time dilly dalling, then walked back home. The rest of the day was spent going thru articles for fun

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Lucifer 😩, not so painful cramps, hot water bottle, ices coffee, green tea, Luci, folded laundry, oh did I mention Lucifer? Lucifer😽

7/10 day but feeling like a 10/10

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Airport, goodbyes, playlist, songmaking

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Beautiful date we have there.

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Today was a sorta fun day, got my fav on live today, cooked delish dinner and made some balloon animals in prep for tomorrow (incase you missed it, I'm gonna be a clown for a BD party and there's gonna be a ton of kids lol)

I legit couldn't stop laughing while making the balloons, the squeaky sounds had me crying they're just too funny 😭😭😭. I manage to make a doggy and a teddy bear, gonna try and make others to just a feel for them... Debating on using acrylic as MY face paint so that I won't budge.

Anyway that's it x.

what was it all for? 110225

I had a conversation with my aunt today. University came up. And for the first time in years, she said, “You should do what you love. I don’t want you to do something just because other people tell you to. It’s your life.”

And I just sat there. Because what the fuck?

Where was this energy when you told me art is just a hobby? When you told me I had to do architecture because money? When I spent years convincing myself that the thing I loved most in this world wasn’t real enough, wasn’t valuable enough to be my future?

Where was this when I forced myself through physics and math, subjects that drained me, killed my confidence, made me feel stupid and small? Where was this when I spent night after night feeling like a failure because I couldn’t mold myself into what you wanted?

And now, after all that, you’re suddenly saying, “Yeah, do what you love.” Like I didn’t just lose years of my life trying to be something I’m not. Like I didn’t break myself over and over again trying to meet your expectations.

And the worst part? I don’t even think she realizes how much this is fucking me up. How much I hate that she can just say that now, like it’s easy, like it doesn’t matter that I wasted years of my life because I thought I had no choice.

It’s like someone keeping you in a cage your whole life, telling you there’s no way out, telling you it’s for your own good. And then one day, they just open the door and go, “Oh, you can leave if you want.” And you’re standing there, shaking, realizing you could’ve walked out a long time ago.

And now I’m supposed to feel grateful? Relieved?

I don’t. I feel angry. I feel lost. I feel like I want to cry and scream and tear my own skin off because what was it all for?

I could’ve taken art in Year 12. I could’ve gotten A*s. I could’ve been confident in my skills instead of scrambling to prove to myself that I’m not a fucking idiot. I could’ve spent those years thriving instead of suffering.

But no. I had to do physics. I had to do math. I had to sit in classrooms where nothing made sense and watch my grades drop and feel like I was slowly disappearing.

And now you tell me it’s okay, I can do art? NOW?

And what if I do? What if I actually go ahead with it? Is she secretly going to sit there thinking, damn, she should’ve done architecture? Will she be supportive on the surface but secretly waiting for me to fail? To regret it?

Because that’s the thing with African guardians. You never really know what they’re thinking. They’ll say one thing but mean something else. They’ll act like they support you, but in their head, they’re already preparing for the “I told you so.”

And maybe that’s what scares me the most. That no matter what I do, I’ll always feel like I’m on the verge of disappointing them.

I hate this. I hate that I even have to feel this way. I hate that the thing that makes me happiest in the world is the thing that feels like the biggest risk. I hate that I’m still here, questioning myself, wondering if I’m making a mistake just because they made me believe it was one for so long.

And I can’t help but think… if I had been allowed to just be myself from the start, if I had been supported instead of redirected, maybe none of this would even be a question.

apologise for the vent, for souring your scroll, but I feel like I'm at my limit, this has tangled up my brain, and as scary as it sounds I feel hopeless, pointless, I don't fucking know, I don't want to think any more. Fuck.

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Update: I went to the casting but I don't think I got in. They made us walk and nothing more, no chitchat, just writ your name age and contacts, walk in front of the panel, then give the paper with the details and leave.

Well, unless you were given back the paper with a tick added to it, and then you're measured and taken pictures of Infront of everyone — and as you've probably guessed by now, I wasn't part of the latter 😬.

I'll just send pics to agencies via dms, emails, and website applications.

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Slept in, accompanied cuzo to the hospital, came home late, now in bed

7/10 day, see it doesn't take much to make me have a fulfilled day.

All that work for this app to turn the quality to shxt 💔

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Woke up with a bad start but sleeping with a good ending tonight. Here's a 1min vid I just finished editing; the snacks were yummerz regardless.

Please ignore the split second in the intro when the frame wasn't showing.

at a certain point you just get tired of your own shit. you have to force yourself to meditate, workout, eat mindfully and read the books to form a routine that gives you a sense of happiness within yourself again. it’s exhausting i know, but you gotta keep fighting for yourself because no one will take care and love you the way you can for own being. this life is not something to go bout so casually, everyday is your first and last time to embrace this moment. this life was gifted to you with a planet to explore and souls to experience. so show up for yourself.